Reviews for Intertwined
steffanatorr chapter 1 . 9/3/2013
WOW! this is sooooo powerful!
i love how short and the point it was,
i feel like i've said the same with so many more words, & i love how you've condensed it.
the words themselves hold more of an undertone than the words are even saying themselves.
your poem shows how the past and the present have some how morphed into one another, bc even though that love is without you any longer, you ARE still that blood flowing being-alive-(& hopefully well.)
Maybe because i am also going through hardship with love, i can feel the strength and intensity of your words.

Great Stuff
-Much Love from Brooklyn 33
recycle rhymes chapter 1 . 11/26/2010
i liked the imagery. it left a lot of questions, which was interesting. i'm surprised you don't have any new pieces up. thanks for the reviews though :)
crazyman12 chapter 1 . 2/18/2009
Loved it.

The imagery was beautiful, and i especially liked "intertwined as one entity". very original :)

Then the last line tied it all together, and I really didn't expect it.

Over all, amazing job.

~Habs :)
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 12/6/2008
Interesting piece. I particularly liked at the end how sudden the last line was. It really highlighted its meaning.

[Intertwined as one entity.] I liked how this was separated to show its meaning. But ersonally I think you could go even further to separate the single line.
May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 11/15/2008
Very relatable for sure. Peace.
Irresistible Apple chapter 1 . 10/21/2008
I really enjoyed this! It was simple yet powerful, nicely done. Though I do have to agree with Esther Jade in saying that the last line maybe shouldn't have been italicized...but other than that I can't find anything wrong! I loved it.
Elennar chapter 1 . 10/5/2008
Hey there! Although I'm not doing this as part of the Review Game, I'll stick to the formal format of an In-depth review for the sake of convenience; yours and mine. ;)

Flow:

I adored the flow of this piece, you've done a good job of it. I especially liked the way 'entity'(Stanza 2) rhymed with 'me'(Stanza 1), although I don't know exactly why. That said, the last stanza brings me to an almost hurtling stop in the flow of the poem. Looking into the subject matter, however, that would be a good thing, as the last line/stanza does signify a stop of sorts.

Technical Aspects:

There aren't any grammatical or spelling errors in this piece. The punctuation is impeccable as well. I would personally capitalize the first letters of Lines 2,3,5 though: if, however, that was a stylistic choice on your part; feel free to disregard my suggestion.

Enjoyment:

Full Marks on this department. The best part was Stanza 3 for me. An interesting thing that I noticed was this: although you say that the two of you were entwined as one entity, throughout the poem; there is a feeling of: "The other person is the stronger one." In the sense that this was not a relationship of equals, or at least that's not the impression I get from the poem; especially after reading Stanza 1. Am I starting to sound like a mad man now? :P

Other:

I absolutely loved the stress you placed on the last line. It conveys a sense of disbelief and shock quite vividly.

Take care,

Caramir
Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 7/26/2008
Review Marathon Prize ]

First of all I like the simplicity and brevity of this piece. It could have a few more detailed touches but it works as a succinct poem.

That said, I'd like to see a little more connection in the first stanza. Right now it feels like a list and you could easily weave those verb lines into each other i.e. "My happiness was weaved into you,/your touch controlling my mind/and your eyes captivating..." (I'd be a little more specific there too, instead of just "me").

All up though, this was a good meditation on the end of a relationship. It didn't venture into cliched territory and felt honest, very human.

Midnight
Cinderella Is Dead chapter 1 . 7/4/2008
I love end to that. I like how you just left it with no explanation. If you had made it longer or tried to do anything with 'what happened?' it just wouldn't have seemed right. But this is perfectly done.
person is gone chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
This is so simple and yet so astoundingly good. For some reason I like how the first lines got shorter and shorter, as if something was coming to an end... and the last lines, "You were my heart; I was your blood" only struck me a few seconds after reading them. The only thing I didn't like about it was the word "infeasible". Otherwise... yeah XD Awesome.
Ghost Planet chapter 1 . 3/21/2008
Here's your review. Terribly sorry, but I forgot that rule.

-

I really like the concept of this. It shows how attached and what the person was feeling when they were with this other person.

It shows emotions and the last line I really like. There's just something about it.

I really like it.

-x-Eilish
Esther Jade chapter 1 . 3/21/2008
Review game! (This is my first time trying poetry depth so let's see if I can cover enough categories).

Overall, I like it. It's well-written, it draws you in and it has a nice, poignant ending. The flow is good as the connections between each stanza are strong - except for the final one, which should be jarring.

The structure works for me. The first stanza establishes the connection between the title and the poem's theme. The second encapsulates it. The third gives it a new image to convey the theme though. And the fourth has the little twist.

I really liked the rhythm that held throughout most of the poem. The second line of the first stanza and the first two of the third are particularly nice. The third line of the first stanza felt like it was missing a syllable though. I think it would be a good idea to make sure the rhythm is consistent throughout because it makes the final stanza that much more discordant.

First stanza: I like the word choice of "weaved" in the first line. It creates a great bridge between the title and first and second stanzas.

I also like the way you talk about how different aspects of him affected you. I did think that the description of the eyes being captivating was a bit cliched.

Second stanza: Lovely encapsulation. I like "entity" as a word choice here.

Third stanza: Love the overall image of this stanza. It makes this stanza my favourite. It makes think of siamese twins. The choice of him as your heart and you as his blood is interesting, though I'm not quite sure what you're hinting at with it.

Fourth stanza: I love the straightforward poignancy. I would take it out of italics though because the italics draw the reader's eyes towards it and so it comes as less of a surprise because, for me anyway, it was the first thing I read.

Okay, I think I've covered enough categories. Let me know if I need to give you more and I'll PM you. ;)
asylum writer chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
So, this is for winning the review marathon. I never really critique poetry, so I'm sorry in advance if it's not helpful.

I can see how important the two were to each other. Intertwined was a good word choice for that.

The places where you separated between stanzas were well chosen.

I like the irony of "separation was infeasible" followed up by "what happened?"
fatbird33 chapter 1 . 3/15/2008
i really liked the last line. because in the beginning i was like ohh this is sappy, but NO twas not! yeah! and i really like the word infeasable used here. the 'i was your blood' was a little odd, but overall very nice job.

review marathon prizes are fun, aren't they?
Captain Lucky chapter 1 . 3/14/2008
I really liked this poem and the idea (it seemed to me) of 'how did we get here?' or, as you said 'what happened?' at the end. I liked the way you wrote this as if two people were actually literally one.

by the way, sorry you couldn't understand that poem - it was a bit cryptic. )

CL
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