|Reviews for Moon River|
| Wan Miles chapter 1 . 10/17
Your story made me glad that I set up an account here. If I hadn't, I probably would have set up an account regardless, simply so I can review and favourite this story.
Your writing is ... sublime. It was harsh, bright, bleak and soft and warm. It makes me think of the darkest night and then the approaching dawn. You write stars into your words. There's no other way to put it.
There's also an aspect of this that is so genuine. Nothing about it felt fabricated or fake. Your story flowed as beautifully as it's name.
If I try my utmost to find something to pick at, I'll say this. Pen was a person of many aspects. Nothing about her came off as one dimensional or character like. She was a girl of many facets and that is that. Same goes for Connor. He cuts a real and stark image, nothing about him can be dismissed. He was a boy, hurting, conflicted and in no way less real than those you see across the street everyday.
The characters who do need more attention, however, is not those two. Boris's character is not as /real/. He pops in, he pops out. He could disappear and the only reason why I would care at all is how that would affect Connor.
Meanwhile, Pen's father was larger than life. Connor's mother glowed. Why couldn't Boris have made as much impact? Why does he sound flat in comparison to everyone else?
The background you've built for the characters as well, fades in and out of clarity. Conner's mother is dead and you feel is ... but where is his father? Pen's dad is a strong, dynamic character, but her mom is a jigsaw. She's loving, but Pen finds her weak. Pen's father left her. Really, that's all we know about her.
I suppose the word I'm looking for here is /engaging/. Your focus characters are so engaging, everyone else pales in comparison. They blur and with them, the background blurs.
You've created a room for Pen and Conner. They talk, they feel and they grow to enjoy each other's presence within the confines of a room. You've created your room, but where's the world? While keeping your story specific narrows and sharpens the impact, it doesn't do much to ground the readers. Perhaps mentioning public places, a state in which Pen and Connor lives, street names, something aside from the whimsical mentions of the wonder in other countries.
One last thin, and this isn't a critique.
I would read your story over The Fault in Our Stars any day. There are less words, less characters, less plot, yet it made me feel just as strongly. It made me care just as much.
At the beginning, I thought that Connor was going to die and I had mentally sighed. I mean, how typical, right? Girl loves boy. Girl agonizes over confessing love. Boy dies before confession. Girl has a heartfelt and tearful episode of screaming and regret. Girl gets over herself in time and ponders over what she's learned, over what she lost, what she gained.
Can I just say how happy I am that that didn't play out? Goodness, it's not a bad plot but there's just way too much of it. It also makes everything look kind of pointless.
So really, I love the way you ended this. With Pen and Connor. And their future.
| sonder this chapter 1 . 1/19
... There were so many lines that I absolutely had to read over and over again, roll them around and through my head, and savor. It took me a little over a day to actually finish this because your writing was an absolute tasty delight that required small, heavy doses over time. The dialogue was jarring (credit must be due mostly to Connor) but memorable. There were the right moments of melancholy and comedic fun to add up to a realistic interaction - which is why when I got to the end here, I was kind of perplexed.
I understand that Pen and Connor have grown more comfortable with each other since the start of the story (and Pen has always been a daydreamer anyways even if her mouth doesn't reflect it at times - specifically when speaking to Connor, heh) and are more open to baring their souls to one another, so to speak, hence the more romantic dialogue at the end but I felt in comparison to what we knew of their characters, their words didn't quite align with their personalities... it's kind of like seeing Connor speak Shakespearean for instance (I'm not disregarding his intellectual capabilities since you obviously showed how he enjoys literature). Don't get me wrong, the words were dreamy and lyrical like the rest of the story but as for being suited for the characters to say them out loud... I can see Pen saying it more so but even then, I have a hard time seeing her speaking this way (starting from the line "And oh, I'm being silly [...]" and onwards).
That aside, there is not much else I can critique. Besides the starlight quality of your style here, I think this is a great example of one of the ways how a writer would go about 'showing' more than 'telling.' It makes my stomach churn for how many times I've seen writers list the qualities of why the protagonist likes a certain character when there is not even a single sign of evidence of said quality. The way you portrayed Connor from beginning to end - I could tell, without Pen saying so, why she liked him.
| Lake Effect chapter 1 . 6/2/2015
This was so, so beautiful. Beyond words.
| The Siege chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
What to say? This is so so so exquisite. I love it. There's so much meaning embedded in and how do you create so much meaning? Seriously, publish something one day and I will buy it and read it and buy it for my friends and make them read it as well because I JUST LOVE YOUR WRITING.
| pc chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
THAT WAS AMAZING.
| theKnobblyKneedWriter chapter 1 . 11/5/2012
I loved this. It was simply amazing.
| heal me forever chapter 1 . 11/1/2012
god dat was d most beautiful stry one shot on fp i have ever read wid EMITIONS )
| HelloBilby chapter 1 . 6/23/2012
I don't know why, but this story is like pure perfection to me. I want to make all my friends read it, so they will get IT. I don't know what 'it' is. Life or something. Anywat, this story is amazing
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/8/2012
This brought tears to my eyes. Absolutely brilliantly beautiful.
| PanoramicDreamer chapter 1 . 5/27/2012
Wow... that was incredible! One of the best and most beautifully written one-shot I've ever read! All the characters are so three dimensional... Stunning
| Ever Twinwood chapter 1 . 5/8/2012
This was amazingly beautiful, the most perfect thing I've read in a long time. And I read a lot. Like, a LOT. I loved the mix of prose and poetry.
You have talent :)
| punctured.lungs chapter 1 . 5/6/2012
Oh my gosh. This is incredible. This is amazing. This had me laughing and crying and sighing and breathing, this is beautiful. This kind of thing, stories that make you cry at 3:30 in the morning. They're why I joined this site. You're amazing. This is magnificent.
| KLemon chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
I don't know if you're still ever on ficpress, reading your reviews, but I hope you are. Your AN at the beginning really threw me off, I was going to stop reading/procrastinating and go do my homework, but I started anyway. I think you did a great job of the style, and you have a great vocabulary and relevant, intelligent, metaphors and overall your story was very nice to read. However, there were times when I felt that the style you were trying out here wasn't meshing well with the plot... needed more depth and realism, I think. Also, your concern for offending others with the language of this piece was uncalled for and unnecessary. You really shouldn't be afraid of offending. It makes you sound desperate and lacking confidence, and you should have confidence cuz you did really well. It's your piece, and hence not anyone else's business how much you swear in it, especially when you aren't attacking anybody in any way.
I'm sure much of the criticism doesn't apply anymore, as it's been a few years since you published this. So good job, and I hope you're a better writer and a better person :)
| Electric Monk chapter 1 . 1/28/2012
Completely and utterly amazing. (I see what you mean about things to fix, but it doesn't detract.)
| frouwe chapter 1 . 10/7/2011
Bklr. (That is my brain after reading this.)
This is so emotional and deep enough and I'm guessing pretty personal without being hard to understand because sometime's I feel like that, too.
God, and the lines at the beginnings of every section - that blew my mind. Along with the references. It was full of them but you managed to use them in a way that made sense and it was appropriate and not unnecessary.
I'm not familiar with your usual style, but I want you to know that I think this is awesome.