|Reviews for Moon River|
| Written chapter 1 . 2/8/2009
wow. wow. I don't even know what to say. uh, your writing is beautiful. like knock me out amazing wow how many times did you work on this beautiful. the words come out so easy and effortlessly beautiful. um. yeah.
I also love the many allusions. it gives your piece a real... feeling, like its a small story that's just another part of a greater story somehow but I dont know if that was your intention or what. it had a ... mythological feel to it. sort of larger than life.
but it was also very personal... it had a real tenderness. sweet and intense.
this was an AMAZING read. you have every right to be hella proud, is all I'm saying. the relationship you created and the words you used... well, I'm impressed.
I'm sorry that this review is all gushing and run ons, but I'm not going to remember anything I want to say if I wait to catch my breath.
| windyday chapter 1 . 1/7/2009
I don't think I'll ever read anything quite so wonderful ever again.
| queenB mackenzie chapter 1 . 12/8/2008
its and you shouldnt change a thing, you really shouldnt, because its perfect. i mean it. i love it.
| hannah chapter 1 . 11/21/2008
shouldn't it be: “You make me kinda nervous too,” she whispers back.
| Briana chapter 1 . 10/9/2008
That was really good. It had depth and substance without being bullshit and confusing,cause you know how people try to be deep but they sound like idiots? Well you didn't. You made sense and there was even a bit of surprise in there because I didn't realize that it was a think back story and I think that all of the mythology references you put were great. And yeah I liked that story. And I can completely relate to Pen when she speaks about her Dad.
| Renate Seline Zaz chapter 1 . 9/10/2008
Wow. Just...wow. Really good. And powerful. I loved it.
| grand piano chapter 1 . 8/31/2008
You've just left me speechless, and I really don't know what to think or say to you. Just reading this got me thinking how real this is, and wonderful the allusions you made are. I think Casablanca, Breakfast at Tiffany's... and My Fair Lady are my favourite classic movie. I'm pretty sure they are, but it's great how you used the two in here. I could practically hear Connor whispering the words to Moon River.
Anyhoo. Good job. This is perfection and I have nothing to critique :)
| Lady Katreina chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
This is the second time I've read this story. This is the second time I've burst out crying at the very end.
| TuneOut chapter 1 . 7/31/2008
This was great. You were very descriptive and as a reader, I could feel what the character was thinking.
You got major points for titling it Moon River. I love that song (i think it's very romantic or at least, the score is) along with the movie that it was featured in.
| mishiema chapter 1 . 7/13/2008
Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
The style is beautiful, and the way you so easily together biblical, mythological and contemporary references with modern personal issues just took my breath away. I even love the way you use profanity.
| skydancersrule chapter 1 . 7/11/2008
Wow... that was probably one of the most emotional pieces I've ever read. Fantastic. I love how you mixed in the "normal" style of writing you usually read in romances (like words such as chickenshit, douche, sniggers, etc.) and a more formal kind of.. spiritual (?) style. I don't know, maybe I just noticed that, but I liked it. Just everything was excellent. Honestly, I loved it. (:
| chouchou chapter 1 . 7/10/2008
This is amazing and heartfelt and sincere and god, it's been so long since I've read a one-shot and nearly cried over it. I love the character Connor and the fact that your characterization of him is so sincere and honest. Their love isn't 'perfect' or 'cliche' or invented upon a plotline that forces them into situations together. Ever so real and ever so something that I think every girl can kind of relate to, in some way..
| AK chapter 1 . 6/26/2008
This was incredibly beautiful. I love how you've connected things together, the metaphors and the little mythological references. It wasn't an easy piece in that I had to re-read it several times. At times it felt too personal, confessional. But the beautiful thing was that after every read, I found a new facet to a part of the story, a new revelation... And I could connect to the character of Pen & Connor, the former reminding me rather of myself... It felt a little choppy at times, rather gritty but the latter bit made it beautiful and real. Sometimes I think I don't get some of the allusions ("good fences make good neighbors"), the reference to Pen's mother ("Her mother had always wanted to see herself reflected in her daughter, and oh, if only her mother could see her now")... and then it seems to all fall into place & add depth to the characters and their relationships. The part about the fences reminds me of how Pen needs Connor in spite of his cruelty... And the mother-daughter part added to Pen's demons regarding her mother and the effect of the absent father. I can't express everything I felt about this story in words, but it was rather wonderful and refreshing. Keep writing; you can really be proud of this piece!
| CaveDwellers chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
This probably isn't something I should be doing because I'm still basking in the glow of this story and can't admit to being able to think objectively about it, but the music in the background matches the mood of the story somewhat (something from Interpol; I can't remember the name right now) and oh, am I ever jealous.
The emotion... that was something else. I got lost in it all. Positively led elsewhere. It was dramatic, but it was real, and the little ugly details (about sweat and general imperfect quirks, etc) made the imagery and putting yourself in the character's shoes just that much easier. This is the kind of writing and thoughts and clarity that I've always striven for, but never quite managed to accomplish.
Oh, I'm so jealous of the power this story wields. I wanted to live in these character's heads longer than I was permitted to, that's for sure. It was gorgeous.
And this probably is something you've heard from at least one of those other 54 reviews, but I like the balance this story provides. It was callous and cruel, but it was desperate and charming and tender in a way that just makes your chest ache. It's not something I can claim cooing over (i.e.: "ooh, how SWEET!"), but it was better-deeper-than that. The relationship Connor and Pen have is dynamic; there's an emotional connection as deep as the physical, and it doesn't all start with a kiss. They're REAL; people I have no problems imagining seeing as I walk down the street.
They clutch at each other so tightly that you wonder how poignant and incredible it must feel. At this point it would hurt so badly if they were to have their fingers pried loose. They're awkward and complete and so comfortable it's amazing that I can say that in the same sentence and believe what I'm saying is perfectly true. It's always so new, even when it's old. That's the beauty of lasting relationships. They can do that, and these two grow with and into each other so nicely.
People claim that first person is more intimate than third, but I've always begged to differ. This is a perfect example of what I'm trying to say. There's some things here, a way of expressing that first person couldn't pull off quite as well. There's a certain feeling it gives you that most times first only wishes to emulate.
Though the In The Beginning creation-stories that head off the next scene/section was a nifty touch, too. Kind of abstract in juxtaposition with the inspiration piece Moon River and the general outline/character of their relationship, but at the same time perfectly fitting. Because if you look closely, they're not all so different. Not really.
"“You make me kinda nervous too.” She whispers back."
She whispers back. That's the sentence you have here. It's grammatically incorrect to have a period preceding a he said/she said. Because that's all it ends up as. She said. That's not a complete or cogent sentence, though arguably it is in context. I can't remember seeing this more than once here-not that I was paying very close attention to the grammar as I was reading; I was too lost in the emotion-but I think it needs pointing out.
Something I'm a little hesitant about accepting is the way Connor answered the phone in the last section/scene. In the beginning of the story Pen says something about their relationship not being the type for making calls Just To Talk, though she seemed to want to. Well-and I don't know if this was intentional or not-that last scene made me wonder if that was really the case, because it really didn't seem like it. And they've both opened up and stopped swearing so much that it's like they're completely different people in the same skin, but like I said, I don't know if it was intentional or not, but nobody commented on it in the narration so I thought I'd mention it.
I can definitely see myself rereading this story again and again and never wanting to skip a line, something I never have the willpower or attention-span for (after all, reading something I've already read again and not editing it-where's the purpose in that? Sometimes I'm hard-pressed for a positive answer, even when I know there's foreshadowing I've missed and would love to spot again).
It may not be saying much, but I really have to applaud you for writing this, jealousy and all. Please, keep up the good work.
| CreativeEdge chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
that was absolutely riveting, stunning, great, charming, amazing, and every other synonym applicable for an absolutely amazing piece of writing.
it was at once dramatic, cute and overall just and expertly crafted piece.
really, really well done. I think this may be my favorite one-shot I'm ever read on this site!