|Reviews for Moon River|
| Lenaboo chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
That was beautiful!
Some things, though:
1. Was it a complete story? I mean, was it a one-shot? I think it works as a complete story, because I felt satisfied at the end, like everything came together perfectly. I feel like it would be weird if you continued it.
2. I don't understand how the section titles ("in the beginning...") tie into the actual section, despite their beauty. That could be clearer to me, at least. If it was some sort of metaphor, I didn't really get it, but that could just be me being stupid.
3. I think you mix up your tenses a couple times. At one point you say "A week ago he tells her" (or something to that effect) and that struck me, since the action happened in the past but you say it in the present.
4. A little more closure/information on Boris would be nice (this applies if it is finished.) I felt a little disconnected from him. Like, who was he? Why was he important?
5. The transition from the first section to the second section seemed rough. I was a little confused about the time being passed, like: how long was it from when she was really nervous to call him till the end when they seemed really comfortable with each other? In short, the sequence of time was confusing to me.
6. I love the deep personal feelings that I get from this story. It was really beautiful in that it was so honest. You didn't hold anything back, and I respect you for that. I can relate to so many things here and I thought it was really, really good but it could be even stronger if you clear it up a little bit. Make it even more biting. Work on the verb tenses thing.
7. You switch from dashes as quotations (which was a little confusing in and of itself) to actual quotations somewhere in the story, Just thought I'd point that out, because I'm wondering why you used the dashes in the first place?
It was really a good story. :)
| Cynical Romance chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
I loved it.
| katieee chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
At first I was a little wary because of your warning about swearing. Not that Im completely turned off by cursing, it's just most stories that curse aren't my slice of cake.
But, when I realized it was about a girl and her best friends brother, I got interested. Because, my best friend's brother is INCREDIBLY attractive. :] So I read on.
And Im SO Glad I did. It's really good.
I thought that was really sweet - kind of - of him to tell her about the bet. It's kind of mean also, but it was really. .. honorable of him not to follow through with it.
Bahahhahaha. I like the colourful description of Connor sweating over the spaghetti. It's funny.
After she started singing Moon River to him, I had to get Moon River playing in the background. So, now It's playing. :]
I like it. My dad's always singing it. HAha.
But back to the story.
It was perfect. Like, it really was. It was fantastic.
I really liked all the description and whatnot you had with it. :] And Connor and Pen. THey're cute together.
I love them.
I'm excited to see more like this from you. :]
| Respect Is Sexy chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
"Women gained the right to vote eighty years ago.- This was the story for a very long time." (is stealing Joe's habit of using dashes to avoid quoting terribly long things) are some of the best paragraphs I've ever seen on fictionpress, and not just because I'm a feminist - this was just written extremely well.
I like the premise already. I think just about everyone knows how that feels. "I'm going to call him. I'm going to call him right now." ...
"shitfaces should remain one-hundred percent irredeemable shitfaces"
Oh my God who hasn't had that thought before? People who suck really ought to SUCK so we can hate them properly.
Oh wow, isn't that the worst possible first conversation to have with someone.
Wow, nice little bitchkreig there. And I definitely get her. I no longer have patience for men who are exagerratedly disgusted by menstruation.
"I’m sorry I made you steal tampons from your dead mother." - might be one of the funniest lines ever by itself, if not necessarily funny in context
"She doesn’t believe in cruel to be kind." Yeah, me neither.
I have to say I really like the dashes instead of quotation marks. It makes it very abrupt, which I'm sure is what you were going for. But I love it.
Wow, he bet...wow. Yikes. That...sucks a LOT. Though the way he talks about it is slightly unrealistic, if only because nobody is that eloquent when they're wasted, but it had to be that way so no worries. I like the line about how she drives him home because she's a bigger person than he is.
Now, the paragraph about her dad really hit me hard. This is a bit personal to share in a review box, but my dad just admitted to HIS affair a few months ago, and they're going through this whole messy separation thing and now he's DATING the stupid bitch and...uck. So I'm really getting her with the "I love my dad and he is an asshole" thing. REALLY getting her. Ugh.
Ahh, Dad is a weight nazi.
"Daughters look for their fathers in their mates, she is told. And she refuses to believe that."
Hear fucking hear.
"Because she catches him reading e.e. cummings behind Playboy magazines." That is SUCH a good line. That is a BEAUTIFUL line. That is an entire character sketch in one sentence.
"Where she had pulled the Greek name out of her butt at 6:30 in the morning was beyond her" I love your little gusts of humor in serious stories.
"It’s the goddamn fucking onions." Of course it is, dear.
"He thinks back on all the animals he has refrained from killing in his life. On the other hand he ponders the animals he has not refrained from killing in his life." Like that line.
I like the wound-tending scene. This...is probably the only wound-tending scene I've ever seen done well?
Okay, so this might just be my favorite thing of yours ever now. I can't even put into words how much I love it. There was a lot in here that I related to and...wow, I just can't explain what this piece did for me. You outdid yourself, darling, and I hope you do it again.
Lots of love,
| Noie chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
I liked this, but I did a double take when I saw who wrote it. I always enjoy your writing but this is a big departure from your usual style. I thoroughly loved the ending, which is the best part!
| bridgette261 chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
That was one of the most...intimate stories I've ever read. You have a gift, you know that?
It was a LITTLE confusing at first but I definitely got it a few sentences in. Don't change a word.
| Sillyscrat chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
God, I loved this. Your prose was fantastic. I... crap, I really have no words. Awesome job. The characters are so... human. And some of your lines were pure genius. "But oh, she wants it to be. In the quiet late hours of the night, when her house is so still that the silence itself seems muffled, she sometimes imagines whispering to him about her childhood, their sleepy sentences making the vast space between them warm." was one-there were so many more later on that I stopped ctrl c'ing and just enjoyed. What were all the religions you used for the openings, by the way? It was such a unique concept, and so original.
I can't wait to see what you write next. This is definitely one of the best things I've read on this site-better than a lot of the books on my bookshelf, in fact. There are other stories that I enjoy, and even others that hit me pretty hard-some that I lose tons of sleep over. But what you wrote is definitely in its own league. It's actually difficult for me to compare it to other stories. It's just so DIFFERENT and... Oh well. Perhaps I just won't try to categorize it. I probably would never have been able to, anyways.
| gnomesbeatfaeries chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
wow...that was just wow. I love the way the characters are so... human? And the spaghetti, amongst other things, really brought the story home to me. I really hope you keep working on this style!
| goodshirt chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
*dies* I am blown away. I loved every inch of this story. Thank you so, so much for writing it! It was deliriously wonderful. I really adored your use of creation myths (ancient history student here), it was a great motif. Again, thanks and please, always keep writing.