|Reviews for Morning|
| a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 2/24/2008
Overall, lovely. But a couple of suggestions:
1) In agreement with , "dissct me open" is redundant. (I would) change it to "cut me open".
2)"lots of it" sounds too... unpoetic, I guess. Maybe try "endless" or something like that.
3)"and I don't anything much." Perhaps I'm missing something, but I'm not sure what this means.
I think that "Folded my hands pray" is just fine, and a comma would probably not flow so well.
And on the whole, this is very nice; I love the feeling evoked. Favourite lines: "I am made of/dying stars & endless apathy. In addition, the third stanza and the line following are breathtaking.
| half-sketched.staccatos chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
Two corrections: "dissect me open with a scalpel" - Take out the word "open." Dissect MEANS to cut open. Writing "open" is just redundant and messes with the flow of your poem.
Also: "folded[,] my hands pray"
I love how you ended this. The simplicity was just... perfect. "That would be nice." Just... innocent and feigning disinterest. Sweet.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
I like this.. the last line of the first stanza is especially powerful and beautiful.. the rest of it really nice as well. I also love the ending it's so simple compared to the rest of th epiece yet that's what you need.. it's nice
One grammar thing..."Folded my hands pray" I'd put a comma after folded...
Also the second to last line and the middle line in the third stanza seemed a bit long..
Other than that it's a really wonderful piece
PS If you're bored today check out the review game's review marathon... there's a link in my profile
| wishing.on.echoes chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
The last line is awkward.
'lots of it' is a little awkward too.
I think this would be better if you didn't think about it so much, you can tell you tried and pure honesty in poetry is often times better than when you force yourself to write.
| Thracian chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
I’m doing something called the Review Marathon at the moment (more info is about it in my profile). This is pretty good. I kind of think the second line sounds a little odd though mainly having the word "dissect" there I think another variation of that should be there instead to make it flow a little better (just a suggestion though). Also you used "&" instead of "and", change the "&" so it doesn’t stand out too much. I really liked second line in the third stanza, I don’t know but it’s just a cool way of wording such a simple thing. On that note, this was a pretty nice poem and I apologize if I sounded semi-pushy in this review.