|Reviews for The Swashbucklers|
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 8 . 4/22/2010
"Ah, and who do we have here?" Rowan said as he took Carmen's hand in his own. "My name is Rowan. And what do I have the pleasure of calling you, beautiful maiden?"
"Married," Carmen said flatly.
I honestly laughed aloud at this. It was just so funny.
This was another great chapter. The fight was awesome...well detailed...well planned. It seemed to take them a while to figure out that they just couldn't attack Karen one hit at a time, but it was good. It gave more tension and depth to the fight.
Great job over all again. I can't wait to see what you have in store for them next.
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 7 . 4/22/2010
Wow, this was an exciting chapter. Well done. There was a lot of good anticpation and action as well as a nice mix of new information.
The whole thing with Karen and Dregg was well thought out and well-written. I would never have guessed that was coming. Though now I'm a bit afraid for Gyle.
Again, great job. Can't wait to read more!
| Sea Turtles chapter 22 . 4/22/2010
I liked the different elements you brought to the story. Rowan encountering the fog, Hawkeye talking with his inner self, and Gyle finally spilling the beans on Ingrid after having an emo moment.
However, it felt like this was a surprisingly short chapter despite having so much content. My first thought was that you didn't elaborate enough, but looking back, it almost seemed like you focused on them too much.
My conclusion is that you did a good job bringing them together in this chapter, but the different passages could have been written better. There were too many instances where certain aspects of the characters came on too strong.
"Shut up!" Gyle screamed as they reached the hill's crest. He grabbed his head and fell to his knees. "Just shut the hell up!" His breathing grew shaky and he could feel a cold sweat running down his face. Stop trying to tell me Ingrid's death is the only way to save Empyria! he bellowed to his inner voice.
Hawkeye's body started shaking. No, I won't let you do it! he screamed.
"Don't say it!" Gyle shouted. He turned to see tears running down her face. "How could you think I'd raise my sword against you? You're my best friend."
"Gyle… Marco…" Ingrid started. "Thank you… for not giving up on me."
- "Sure, what is it?" Ingrid said calmly. (...Ingrid asked...)
In previous chapters, the angry Hawkeye said that both he and the gentle Hawkeye could see everything that was going on. If that's so, then how come Hawkeye didn't know about the angry one? Did he hear the angry one threaten Gyle and Ingrid?
Anyway, I thought Rowan was very well done. There was a lot of great character development in this chapter! I think that perhaps you should tackle Ingrid next. I feel like she's getting the short end of the stick.
Good job :-) .
| Sea Turtles chapter 21 . 4/21/2010
The opening was very well-written :-) . I had to search for something to critique.
"Not well," Marco admitted. "But she trusts you, Gyle. You're not doing her any favors by keeping it from her. In this case, I'd say there is no right way to tell her. You just have to do it."
Way to go Marco! Very good advice. I really liked this response.
I thought the legend of the naiad was cool. I'll bet Percy was really cold though. You didn't really mention that he was shivering or anything, though. Wouldn't he have been really uncomfortable under those conditions? He was wet and encountered a frozen cave with a frozen castle. Also, I found this to be a possible error:
After a few days of recovery, I thanked the creature for helping me and was surprised to hear her thank me back.
"'You're welcome,' the naiad replied to me.
Maybe he should say that the naiad responded to him rather than thanked him.
She was one of the most beautiful creatures I'd ever seen.
The relatively high pitch made me think the naiad was female.
Perhaps you should refer to the naiad as an "it" instead of a "she" before you make this observation.
"You don't have any money?" Percy asked. He played with the thought of giving Ingrid the bracelet and earrings for free. "You know what, why don't I just give them to you? It's the least I can do to repay you for believing my story."
"Thanks," Ingrid said. She put on her new earrings and slipped the bracelet around her ankle.
I felt that the flow of the story got interrupted at this point. That dialog needs some work so that it seems more natural. I guess maybe Percy seemed a bit too desperate for someone to believe him and Ingrid seemed too ready to accept the jewelery for free. It felt like this kind of interaction would only happen if Percy and Ingrid had known each other for a while. I have a hard time believing that strangers would act like that toward each other.
Also, you don't really mention Percy anymore. Perhaps Percy could bid them farewell or something. The chapter ends with them just leaving Percy's shop.
Percy is peculiar. He doesn't seem like the type who would care whether people believed in the naiads or not. After hearing the story it sounded like he would rather not have people believe that naiads were more than legendary. What if Gyle and the Swashbucklers were the kind of people Percy feared? It just seems inconsistent.
This was a neat side story. I think it could use some more revising. Thanks for posting :-) .
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 6 . 4/18/2010
This was a good chapter overall. The dialouge, action, and description sequences were all well thought out and written well.
The only thing I will say is that the conversation between Gyle and Hawkeye, while necessary, did not fit the context you put it in. In the life-or-death situation like the one Gyle was in, in trying to save the passengers from Dregg, he's not going to be worried about Hawk-eye's emotional state. While I think that the conversation is important to the story, it isn't at that point.
| seredemia chapter 2 . 4/17/2010
Oh goodness, I've just noticed how many chapters you have. That's a lot. I feel so out of place starting at the first chapter at this time... *Shrugs* Oh well. Anyway, I'm reviewing as I go, it helps make my reviews longer D
Hmm... I do hpe they rescue Gyle and Ingrid. I like those kids; they were the funny ones, hehe. Hmm, the only thing that I've noticed is that you keep using speech marks when saying One Eye Gareck. Speech marks should only be used when talking, so I think you should use quotation marks instead ('). That's really the only criticism I have... I like how Gareck is so demanding and rather bossy, I can see why he's the captain.
Gyle and Ingrid now! I don't know why, but I love them, hehe!
"We don't have time for this. You've got to get in there or were dead," Gyle said.' - I love them! Anyway, instead of 'were', it should be 'we're'. Just thought I'd point it out. Actually, I dont usually correct people, and I was only meant to say that I liked this quote, but meh, whatever. I like Gyle
| seredemia chapter 1 . 4/17/2010
I love this start. Your writing flows well and your details and descriptions are great! I also love the pirate theme with the airships, very interesting! Gyle and Ingrid's relationship is also very fun to read, as from their conversations, I see that they are good friends. I also love Ingrid's unique appearance, with her wings and feathers, she's not your typical character, which I love about her. The plot so far is vague, but that's what I love about it! Great starting chapter so far! I'll read more of the story once I have time, but in the mean time, great job and good luck with this story!
| Sea Turtles chapter 20 . 4/15/2010
Carmen's in a tough situation. It must suck to be her :-\ . I hope that everything will go smoothly and without incident. It's a good thing they finally told Ingrid about what's going on. I had hoped that Gyle would tell her about the Anima, but I guess there'll be time for that later. It's good to let her absorb a little bit of information at a time.
Rowan cares for Carmen! Yay! This was a good element to the story, although you might have been able to implement this a little better. Reading the part where he meets Carmen was a bit awkward for some reason. I felt that the flow was interrupted.
I didn't realize that Rowan was so serious about keeping himself in check for Sylvia's sake. That's actually really sweet. I hope those two meet up soon! Rowan has his chance to shine :-) . I'm expecting good things from him.
It's about time Gyle got over his "angry at dad" phase. I mean, sure, having your dad shoot you down is not something I'd look back favorably upon, but like he says, it won't do them any good. I'm glad Gyle is maturing :-) .
This wasn't a bad chapter. I'm looking forward to reading what happens next.
| Sea Turtles chapter 19 . 4/15/2010
Wow, Aether opened up quite a bit to Ingrid, didn't he? That surprised me. I guess he had been wanting to talk to her for a while and this was a good opportunity. I like hugs :-) .
You did very well in communicating Ingrid's past without forcing it.
- "Hector didn't do anything to you, did he?" she said as her fingers worked her way to the end of her hair. (...she asked...)
I laughed at the end. Aether is so delightfully awkward! :-D
One thing I don't get is why Gyle was excited about being in the Southeast Region. I was a bit confused...I must have missed something.
| Sea Turtles chapter 18 . 4/15/2010
That scene with Carmen at the beginning was pretty intense. I was very worried for her. Very good writing. You did a fine job of pulling your readers along for the ride.
I was glad you gave some backstory on Aether. He fits the role :-) . I'm interested in hearing more about this Sanctuary. I guess that'll come later, huh? ;-)
All in all, a very good chapter. I thought that all of the characters were very believable. Gyle wasn't so quick to react, Rowan and Carmen didn't bicker as much, Seth showed a lot more emotion (and had more time to shine in this chapter), Ingrid freaked out...it was all very believable. You must have taken a lot of time and effort to write this chapter so smoothly. It does feel like it kind of ends in the middle, though. I guess that would be my only critique (sp?).
I'm impressed with this chapter. Good job!
| Chesterfield chapter 19 . 4/10/2010
I like these fast updates and I'm really glad you're so committed to this story and these characters, because it's great and very very interesting. I've said this before, I'm sure, but the story is so refreshingly new (AND grammatically correct) that it's something I can sit back and enjoy, instead of spending time trying to decipher the flaws.
In short, just THANK YOU for writing.
| Sea Turtles chapter 17 . 4/8/2010
You did a decent job of pulling your reader along as you went from one scene to the next.
Hawkeye did not seem as menacing in this chapter as he did last chapter (specifically the line where he rolls his eyes). He almost had an immature attribute to his feral side. It kind of takes away from his original portrayal, in my opinion. The thought that comes to mind when reading about Hawkeye is inexperienced villian.
"Don't worry, Rowan," Gyle said. "He won't hurt Ingrid, even if he does change. He still sees her as his mother."
I don't know about that. I wouldn't give Hawkeye that much credit. I'd still be very cautious about him.
Rowan gasped and clutched his heart like it was about to explode.
Really? I think you might have gone a little be overboard with the drama.
Just before meeting with Avery, I think you rushed the story a bit. It felt that you were becoming impatient and wanted to just get to the next point. As a result, I felt that, as a reader, I was just tossed a bunch of information. It wasn't fun to read, it was more like studying for a test. I didn't get a chance to figure things out for myself, I was just told what I needed to know in order to understand the next plot element. I will say that I'm somewhat grateful for it since the story was moving at a relatively slow pace for a while, but you shouldn't rush things. If you need to move the story along, dialogue is not the place to do it.
Sometimes you can be long-winded about things. You explain things that don't necessarily need to be explained. I understand that you don't want the reader to miss a thing, but that does not help me appreciate the story more. I am actually a bit bored. I'm trying to keep up with the plot. It doesn't feel natural. It's like I am trying to memorize the details of the new developments as I'm reading about how they affect the characters. I need time to absorb the information.
I noticed that you made a reference back to Gareck in this chapter. When they found out that Gareck was still alive, that was back in chapter 11. You hadn't mentioned him since. I wonder if you could sprinkle your chapters with info about Gareck and Zack. Lately, you've been following the Swashbucklers very closely, but have hardly mentioned any of the other characters. This might help you slow the pacing of the story and give the readers something new to chew on as they think about the new developments.
- Avery gave the vial back to Gyle and closed his fingers tightly around it. (...back to Gyle, who closed... - OR - ...back to Gyle; and he closed...)
I felt at the end of the chapter, too many characters were saying the same thing over and over again. It was boring dialogue.
At least they have a good reason for fighting the C.A.P.S.
Thanks for posting.
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 5 . 4/6/2010
Ooh a cliffie...I don't like cliffies haha but at least I won't have to wait for the next chapter.
This chapter was good, nothing to complain about. However, Gyle will have to grow up...and soon if he hopes to remain alive. I hope he matures throughout his adventure...I saw a little bit of that in this chapter and I hope it continues!
Hawkeye kinda freaked me out with his rampage...wasn't expecting that kind of action from him. I wonder where it will lead?
The only thing I suggest is to describe your character's surroundings more. Your dialouge is great...now just follow up with description and presence of environment.
| Sea Turtles chapter 16 . 3/31/2010
In truth, they didn't have to defeat every single Knight, they only had to hold them off long enough for Marco and Hawkeye to attach the towing line and Aether to pry open the exit.
might be better as dialogue.
The fight between Avery and the Sky Knight left me with a few questions. When he threw her over the side of the overhang and slammed into her while she was on the deck, he clearly had the upperhand. Then he just let her get up? Man, I guess he must really like watching his opponents feebly attempt to survive or something. It's not a very wise move. I would suggest, to make it more believable, that you put in there that the landing also caused some recoil damage to the Sky Knight; and that the only reason he let Avery get up was because he was focusing on recovering. Just a thought.
I was also a little bit confused with this line:
He scooped the Knight over and into the back wall.
Does that mean that Gyle tripped the Sky Knight with his (Gyle's) body? That's what I'm interpreting. If you could be a little more clear, it would help us understand this fight scene a little better.
It seems like Marco has accepted that Hawkeye will do what he wants when he's in his primal state. That's cool. It seems like something Marco would do.
"Too bad for you the innocent me isn't here to hold me back like he did before."
How about "my better half" instead of "the innocent me?"
That primal Hawkeye is quite a beast. Very gruesome detail on the Sky Knight's death. The fact that he gains pleasure from it gave me shivers. I thought it was interesting that the alter ego of Hawkeye couldn't do anything that the other Hawkeye didn't want him to do. Perhaps at some point they will learn to work as a team.
Like it or not, this is who Hawkeye is—the real Hawkeye is.
Leave off the "is" at the end of the sentence.
I'm very glad to see that you added the element of revenge here. It only makes sense for Hawkeye to feel betrayed since his siblings were consumed by his now parents. Man, talk about dysfunctional.
Will Gyle and Ingrid realize what they've done? Will they try to make amends? Or will Gyle have to deal with two major issues alone (that being Ingrid's insatiable hunger for anima and Hawkeye's inquenchable thirst for revenge)?
It's quite an uncomfortable position to be in. I hope Gyle will be able to creatively resolve the situations.
I liked reading this chapter. I look forward to reading your next one.
| Sea Turtles chapter 15 . 3/24/2010
I'm very glad that you had your characters talk to Gyle about being a jerk.
Hector conjures up images of a mad scientist, only not as maniacal as one might have originally thought. Rather than going through with the experiments and finding more answers, he would rather destroy Ingrid, the enigma, in favor of self-preservation. I view this to be a little bit pathetic, but dangerous, nonetheless. For some reason, this reminds me of Gareck's right-hand man...
The fight with Aether, Avery, and Hector was fun to read :-) . I didn't like how Hector gave up all of a sudden and turned into a willing informant. It kind of broke the flow of the story. It seems like that kind of scene should be included later, not when they're trying to escape.
- "And you've brought along some help this time," he said, referring to the small army ready to fight behind Aether. (you can probably end this at "he said." The rest of the sentence is unnecessary.)
- The hammer-wielding Knight raised him weapon and sent it crashing into the ground. (...raised his weapon...)
Current favorite line this chapter:
"I think he's proven he's more than determined to save Ingrid," Marco said. "Probably even more so than you, Gyle."