|Reviews for The Swashbucklers|
| Sea Turtles chapter 14 . 3/24/2010
Hector is creepy. Good job.
I liked the fight between Hector and Aether. It was an interesting read. Hector's got some cool abilities. I thought that the struggle between Aether, Hawkeye, and the Sky Knights could use some work though. I can't quite place my finger on it, but the fight scenes were a bit off.
How was Aether able to survive the shock when it was enough to electrocute the Sky Knight to death? If there was that much going through both of them, should they both have died?
Despite turning into the Incredible Feathery Hulk, how was Hawkeye able to fight if he was all bounded up? I have a hard time believing that the rest of the Sky Knights just looked of as he ripped one of their comrade's heart out.
- He then turned to the two able-bodied Knights Aether beat away. (...Aether had beaten...)
I very much like Avery's weapon. I am anxious to see her in action :-D !
I was surprised to see Carmen letting Gyle get off so easily after trying to impale her.
Gyle could show Aether a little more respect. I understand that he's upset over Ingrid, but it's not like he's done anything to help her. A "thank you for fighting for her" would have been appropriate. Not to mention very captain-like.
I'm glad Rowan is still thinking about Sylvia.
| Sea Turtles chapter 13 . 3/19/2010
I can't really put my finger on it, but I think that the first few paragraphs were well-written. The description of the prison camp that they were taken to was good. It gave us an idea of what the mood should be without being too overwhelming. You've done a fine job of character development as well. The conversation between Marco and Rowan was believable. I didn't feel all that rushed. Good job!
Avery seems to have lost it. The dialogue between her and Carmen was believable enough, but the last sentence made me cringe a bit. I thought it was too sappy and it made Avery seem either quite hopeless or like she's missing a few screws.
Also, it's good that you show a softer side of Carmen, but she should realize that she's in the same boat as Avery. I think it would good if you added a sentence or two about Carmen's inner thoughts. That would help us relate to her as well.
Now I have some beef with Seth. Check it out:
"Marco, are you sure it's okay to trust this guy?" Seth asked.
"I'll admit, I'm still skeptical he can pull it off," Seth said. "But all I can do is put my trust in him and hope he can pull through."
I'm fine with his first sentence, but that second one needs to be taken out. All he can do is put his trust in him? Does he realize what he's saying? Putting his trust in a random pirate that Marco (or anyone on the crew for that matter) doesn't trust? His history pretty much screams that he should be suspicious of all pirates. I understand that he's good-natured, but this just isn't a wise move.
This caught my attention too:
Marco took a good look at Gyle. "Are you ready to kill if necessary?"
I believe that Gyle has already killed, has he not? Prison guards (chapter 1), Garudas (chapter 2), Sky Knights (you get the picture), etc. Was Marco asking if Gyle was physically ready? This just seemed unnecessary.
Please elaborate a bit on Avery's situation.
Using one hand, Avery grabbed the Knight's outstretched arm and twisted it behind her back. In one graceful motion, she disarmed the Knight and swiveled around her, using her as a shield against the Knights that now had their weapons trained on her and Carmen.
It sounded like she grabbed Carmen's hand before attempting to disarm the Sky Knight. If Sky Knights are the elite soldiers, then shouldn't they have had enough time to shoot her? It doesn't add up unless the Sky Knight was focusing on something or someone else.
One more discrepancy:
"Now, we need to get some information of our own," Avery said as she pointed the gun between the Knight's eyes.
The prisoners may have parted ways, but it said that they "coaxed some information out of their captive before making their way towards the nearest exit." Wouldn't that mean that they were all together when the information was leaked out? Shouldn't Avery had said something more along the lines of, "We'll need some specifics if we want to navigate this place," or whatever. From the way the excerpt reads, it sounds like Avery saw them get the information, but didn't actually hear what it was even though the band of prisoners had not made their way toward the exit. Whatever the case may be, please elaborate on the circumstances so that the dialogue would make more sense to your readers.
- He slammed his hand against the wall to make sure he got their attention. (I don't know if this is necessary. It doesn't really add anything to the story for me...unless he just likes slamming his hand against the wall. I think just talking out loud will get their attention.)
- Even though it was hard for Marco to trust Lionel completely, the fact that working together was mutually beneficial to both parties helped him tolerate working with someone he didn't even know. (I think this may have been overstated. At this point, your reader should have been able to pick up on the fact that Marco is uneasy about Lionel. Also, this almost gives away the shocking revelation at the end of the passage. It's okay to let the reader do some work.)
- "That means you guys all know each other," Carmen figured. (This could be modified to say something like, "So are you an old friend?" or something like that to make her seem more intelligible without changing Avery's dialogue.)
- Lionel quickly shut the door behind him and darted around a corner and out of sight of a camera that pivoted towards the now closed door. (...out of the sight of a camera...)
- The few Knights that weren't attacked drew their weapons and pointed them at the lined-up prisoners. (...Knights who weren't...)
- Carmen had trouble fitting the breastplate on, but she managed to squeeze it on along with another of the prisoners and both tried to look as professional as possible. (...prisoners; and both tried to look... - OR - ...prisoners. Both tried to look...)
- "I assume we're headed after Gyle and the others?" Carmen said. (...Carmen asked. - OR - "...the others," Carmen said.)
- The band of prisoners coaxed some information out of their captive before making their way towards the nearest exit. (toward)
This wasn't a bad chapter. I look forward to reading the next one :-) .
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 4 . 3/6/2010
I just have a few constructive things to say about this chapter...just suggestions.
For one, there is a lot happening in this chapter and it feels like you could explain some of it in more detail. If you were to do that, you would have to break up the chapter, but I think it would give the readers more to work with.
Second, while you have me believing in Gyle's conviction and ambition to become a great pirate, I don't fully believe in his anger at his father. His belief that his father intentionally shot him down isn't supported well enough by your beginning chapters. I could be wrong, but I got the sense that while Gyle felt that his father was holding him back, he still respected him to a point. If that was the case, then it doesn't make sense that he refuses to consider that there was a mistake. Then again, maybe I just interpreted it differently.
Also, Gyle is portrayed as a headstrong, impulsive young character who is determined to do things his way and achieve his ambition. That's great and you're doing a good job with his character. But, I can't help but feel that it goes against his character to call his mom. It just doesn't fit, especially since his mom would most likely tell his father who would then go out and find him.
Other than that, you're doing really well. The ending was great...in the sense of your writing. It's a real cliffhanger. Keep it up!
| Typing Typhoon chapter 5 . 3/5/2010
Erm, I don't like to be a downer... but this submission didn't hold up well to the others. There wasn't nearly enough scene description and the action scenes really weren't done that well. It wasn't terrible, it's still better than half of the content I read around here. It just wasn't a win for this story. Srry :(
| Sea Turtles chapter 12 . 3/4/2010
Why did Felix say that he had a feeling Ingrid could be the 4th Anima Child when in the previous chapter they verified that they didn't feel any Anima energy in her? It might make sense to modify his statement to say something along the lines of, "She may be connected to the Anima Children somehow."
I'm curious about Ingrid now. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!
Who is Alice? Had you mentioned her before? I guess she's possibly an Anima Child.
I think that it would be good to mention something about the time of day. For instance, I found myself wondering whether the Sky Knights broke in during the same night they had dinner or the next morning. I think what confused me was when Carmen said, "I never thought I'd see the day..."
If it was the same night, perhaps you could add something in there like, "it was getting pretty late and everyone was getting tired."
If it was the next day, perhaps someone should mention that Felix had been gone a long time. It would be strange if someone went out to do something and didn't even return to sleep. I would be concerned, if nothing else. Anyway, just a thought.
"Forget about her. We're only worried about the Swashbucklers. That kid said she had nothing to do with them."
These Sky Knights aren't very good at what they do, are they? Shouldn't there be some kind of code here about not revealing to the criminals who turned them in? I mean, especially with pirates! What if the Swashbucklers were some blood-thirsty, psycotic gang of murderous theives? They would be able to clue in on the fact that a kid turned them in. They would be able to narrow down the search for the one who betrayed them should they ever escape the prison. This caught my attention. I think the same conclusion could have been made without the Sky Knights giving it away.
Thanks for posting!
| zombie chickens chapter 1 . 3/3/2010
If you should be mad at anyone, it should be me."-might sound better as just 'it's me' instead of having 'should be' used twice in the sentence.
But, you could still be of some use to me."-unnecesary comma I think.
He was nothing more than a common grunt.-I love that description for a guard, made me smile.
"It's just the reality of being treated like a real pirate just overwhelmed me." overuse of the word just, It would sound better if you only used it once.
And aside from all that nit pickiness, I really enjoyed reading this. I'm always a little jealous of the people who can do these whole almost non stop action scenes because for me those are the most challenging. Good job with making this a very exciting read!
| Typing Typhoon chapter 4 . 2/28/2010
Nice chapter, a really genius way to use a dream sequence for an astonishing cliffhanger.
| Typing Typhoon chapter 3 . 2/27/2010
Odd, but very enjoyable. Each chapter holds its own sub-plot, even though it all intertwines into a larger story. This keeps the fic feeling fresh.
Your writing prowess is improving by the chapter, this is becoming an FP epic. Write on! :)
| Typing Typhoon chapter 2 . 2/27/2010
Fear me, I am back. 0_0
A great addition, good action sequences, and a riveting plot.
| ShadowCandle chapter 12 . 2/26/2010
This is awesome. Pirates are always fun. Keep writing, people will keep reading
| Sea Turtles chapter 11 . 2/25/2010
Aha! So that burst of heat wasn't just Ingrid blushing. That's kind of neat. I guess maybe there is a connection between Felix and Ingrid.
"Why didn't you wake me up so I could eat?" Gyle asked, slightly annoyed.
"Hey, I tried! You were in such a deep sleep I couldn't wake you up."
Okay, she was sleeping too. In fact, he woke her up. Did they already forget that? I find this confusing.
"Thanks guys, and be careful outside. Remember to blend in and don't draw any attention to yourselves," Gyle reminded them.
"Who do you think you're talking to? Rowan?" Carmen asked, slightly offended.
"Just blindside me with an insult why don't ya," Rowan said.
"How about we go before this gets ugly?" Seth said, ushering Carmen out the door.
This passage makes me feel like Gyle still has a lot of growing up to do. He has been taken care of by his crew and now he's awake and giving orders. Not that he's giving bad advice, mind you, it's just that he didn't really need to say that. Rowan seemed to know the situation and Carmen and Seth can take a hint. I think they know to keep a low profile. He didn't need to remind them to blend in. That could easily be viewed as an insult to their intelligence. If I were on the receiving end of that, I would have reacted about the same as Carmen, I think.
My favorite moment in this chapter:
"Come on, everyone else on this crew has a girl. Let's see: Gyle has Ingrid, Seth has Carmen, and I have Silvia. Are you going to tell me that you're the only one that doesn't have a special someone?"
"There are two things wrong with your statement: Gyle and Ingrid are just friends, and Silvia hates your guts."
That amused me greatly :-D !
Marco started to look noticeably uncomfortable. Rowan looked at him and sighed. "I won't probe anymore. I've still got more questions, but you don't look like you want to talk anyway." He patted Marco on the back. "If you ever do want to talk, I'll be here to listen."
Rowan flashed a toothy smile. "Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Besides, most of my life is out in the open anyway. I think you owe me at least a little peek into your past." Rowan's smile faded. "I'm really sorry about your family."
In this section, both Marco and Rowan are out of character. I feel like I'm reading about some other people here. I think you can redo this scene with Marco and Rowan's essence.
"You know what this means, right? The Corporation can't know that I've been letting you stay here. I have to tell them—"
Rowan grabbed Silvia before she could reach the phone. "What the hell are you doing, Silvia? If they find out we were the ones responsible for a Knight's death, they'll kill us!"
"And if they find out that I've been hiding you from them, they consider me an accomplice and kill me too!" Silvia said as she struggled in Rowan's arms.
"Just give us enough time to think of a way out of this," Gyle pleaded. "Once we do, we'll leave you in peace."
Silvia stopped struggling and considered Gyle's offer. "…Okay."
"Sis, you can't be serious," Felix said. "They killed a Sky Knight. Think about what you're doing…"
"Felix, I've made my decision," Silvia interjected.
"Thank you so much," Ingrid said.
"Now where's that dinner you guys promised?" Rowan asked Carmen. Silvia had freed herself from his grip and sat back down on the couch. "Finding out that the Corporation could find and kill us at any moment has made me hungry."
You're doing it again. This was totally rushed. I didn't have time, as a reader, to fully take in what was happening. As soon as the issue came up, it was resolved. There was very minimal conflict. In other words, a boring read. You have to make me care. If you keep introducing and resolving conflicts all in one breath, you'll never captivate your audience.
I'm glad that the crew found out about Gareck. You know, we hadn't heard from Zack in a while. I am wondering how he's doing.
I am kind of sad that they are willing to let Avery and Aether go down. I guess Gyle's recovery is the top priority though. I hope we see more of them in the future though.
| Sea Turtles chapter 10 . 2/25/2010
I liked how you have Seth and Carmen interacting with the rest of the crew. When Ingrid chimed in, it really felt like they were already part of the crew. Rowan's frankness and Carmen's teasing are good character development qualities. I also like how you didn't overdo it. Very nice transitions.
My favorite line this chapter:
"Silvia's been known to enhance the truth on occasion," Rowan said in his defense.
A very good piece of Rowan's witty humor.
- "At least these people can live without the Sky Knights breathing down their necks like a lot of other places do." (...necks, unlike a lot of other places.")
- "But that's what makes this place so perfect to hide at," Rowan said. (you can leave off "to hide at" and still convey the same meaning)
- "It seems your penchant for lechery has spread even to a quiet little village like this, huh?" Carmen said. (...Carmen asked/teased/mused/commented/etc.)
- Rowan started getting annoyed. (Rowan was starting to get annoyed.)
The ending was a bit on the sappy side. I would say try modifying it a bit. After all, Ingrid may have been treated badly in the past, but it certainly doesn't look like people think badly of her now. If she was able to convince Rowan and Felix to let her and her crew to stay at their places, then she's got something going for her. Felix didn't seem like he was discriminating against her.
It doesn't make sense for her to say that love between humans and harpies is non-existent since she's a demi-harpy. She's not a pure harpy so that means that she was a product of an interspecies romance.
I think that her dialogue should be changed just a little bit. Focus less on her and more on the situation or Felix since he's a new character.
| Kenna-Kat11 chapter 3 . 2/22/2010
This was probably your best chapter so far. The dialouge and the sequence of events was nicely done and everything was paced out well. As a reader I was interested the entire time too. Overall nothing to complain about.
The only suggestion I would make is instead of having Gyle talk to himself as he treks up the mountain show his thought process instead. It will give you more to work with and will make it more natural and easier for the reader to relate.
Other than that, good job. Keep it up!
| Typing Typhoon chapter 1 . 2/19/2010
Pretty good fic, however the whole story reeks of Final Fantasy. XD
Personally, I like it. Good story. I'll continue reading :)
| Chesterfield chapter 11 . 2/19/2010
It's been a while since I've reviewed, but I just wanted to pop in and tell you I've been following along the whole way. I think this is really enjoyable, though at times plot points seem a little forced, like certain things happen just so there can be another interesting twist. Stay consistent to your characters and they'll tell you where to go next!
Keep up the great work.