|Reviews for Silence, Applause|
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 3/26/2008
First of all, I came across this and read it but decided not to review until I had some time to think about it. There's a solid meaning and cohesiveness to this that demands a second read.
You have a certain style that feels very confident and forward. Nothing ever feels timid or uncertain and for that I give you kudos. There aren't a lot of poets on here who "know" exactly what they're doing and to what purpose. This feels very deliberate, I can feel the refinement and sense the extreme care put into this.
My only major critique, therefore, is really about word economy. It's something I'm quite picky on these days. I believe in only saying as much as you need to and killing "filler" syllables - those words that do nothing for a poem and are easily removed.
I feel that a lot of the "and"s in this piece are filler syllables and also throw off what feels to me like a predetermined structure. For example:
Deep breath in, short breath out.
A calm posture, and a cool demeanor.
this has a similar "structure" to the two lines "Eyes are glazed.../the tension creeps" except with the addition of "and" which jarred for me - also you don't need a comma if you want the "and".
This stanza was the most troublesome for me:
All I did was grin the same smiles, and evoke the same laughs; day by day.
Piece by piece, the piano played and so I aged.
Assimiliated and formed and increased in physics, but never in aesthetics.
Suggestion - first line, kill the "and". It frees the line up a bit in terms of flow. I'm also not sure about the triple up of the verbs. It seems out of place in a poem that uses pairs for imagery. It also seems a bit prosaic in places. Just the length and run on feel I guess.
I'm also not the biggest fan of the repetition of "forget" but I get why you've done that stanza simply. It makes sense in terms of the content - the idea of "do away with flowery poetic devices and get real" but it still just felt a little bland for me.
Overall this is a solid poem. I like the message - the idea of stepping up to the plate and putting it out there in reality, not hidden behind layers or mediocrity. I just feel there is room for some tweaking to solidify the piece.
| Moon-Chaser chapter 1 . 3/3/2008
Wow, powerful, wonderful. You write so beautifully and with such grace. It has been some time since I saw you post something, but it was well worth the wait.
Keep it up.
| KonekOniko chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
My, it's been quite some time, hasn't it?
I must say, I'm impressed with the progression of your writing. Substance, indeed.