|Reviews for This Bubble of a World|
| Isca chapter 1 . 8/16/2008
It's a very heartfelt and emotional piece, and I enjoyed reading it. I found it a little long, and a bit repetitive in some places, but I really think you have a lot of powerful situations here. Keep up the great work! :)
| Shasta Valentine chapter 1 . 4/3/2008
so the thing i always say to people is the root of all great poetry is honesty and experience.
you portrayed both in this poem.
im terribly sorry about your sister, i understand how you feel.
well first my dislikes:
your parentheses in the beginning threw me off and i was really confused about the connections to the subject.
you also swiftly changed moods, and situations.
and now my likes:
the second half of it was BEAUTIFUL i love it and you really developed the situation well i swear i could feel your emotion.
if you dont mind telling me.
im still confused about your bubble, your world in connection with this poem.
so id like if you maybe explained it to me becuase i like this poem alot.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 3/4/2008
Ok already within the first two lines.. you bored me (no offense) it's so repetitive within itself and especially with the title right above it..
I like the idea of unspoken words, but again I find it a bit too repetitive... again it's repetitive in the next stanza too
(those words that I should I have said)... I sould have said
The next stanza I really like... the description is nice and I like the (of course) it's a bit humorous
I like the line "you who made up the heart" it was phrased really interestingly.. I like it
That one line seems a bit too long though... the "for some reason..."
God should be capitalized
I love the second stanza after the -s... that was really nice, but the fading footsteps and then fading footprints was a bit repetitive
I like the idea of trying to live in in their path, but failing was really nice... and the Heaven Hell thing was really nice... the second to last stanza and the last stanza again seemed repetitive... I'd just but My sister, dear at the end of the second to last stanza
Ok basically I like the idea of this and I like how you capitalize Bubble and World.. that was a good idea.. and some of the images (like the footprints) were really nice... and I also liked the parenthesis... However.. I think it was repetitive... it was a really long piece, which is fine, but I think you could say almost the same thing is a lot less words... just a thought.. anyhow still a really great piece!
| A Perfect Sonnet chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
I think you have a lot of powerful content here, it just needs some editing. For example: I think you're overusing "In this Bubble I call my World." I think it would be much stronger if it were still repeated, just less so. At the moment it's putting a lot of strain on your rhythm and making it feel very thick and geometric. But the content and subject matter seem to suggest the want of a smoother pace.
Also, it feels almost as if you're afraid to get into specifically personal imagery, which is something that could take this to a higher level of memory and tribute. (I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how I would cope with losing my sister. But I appreciate how you're memorializing her memory with this poem. I think it would mean a lot to her, I know it would if my sister or I were in this situation -which almost happened actually. So I can relate, in a way.)
Why don't you use your most specific memories of her? Something that belongs only to the two of you? It would add a really personal element to this that would be really nice to have -to talk about that unique bond between sisters.
I really liked how you used the (ellipses) to visually mimic the recurring concept of a bubble. It's very poetic and an excellent visual touch. I'm not such a fan of the bolding (it distracts the eye too much, for my taste), but that's a personal preference.
Overall I think it's very compelling and shows a considered development of content a format. The irregular stanzas are great and the centering is visually good for it. It was very moving and really shows how much you cared for her.
| theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
While I still remember, you need to run back and edit your summary! Should be 'wish you could turn back time and say', not 'said'.
this poem is beautiful! I'm trying to fight the urge...to try to analyze it...
What's the significance of the bubble? Seems out of place at first...but maybe it's a bubble in the ocean waves. Floating in and out with the tide... Now I have this image of your sister's bubble, attached to yours, but getting trapped on the shore...and as your world bubble shifts back out...you look back and see hers...
I'm personifying the froth on a tide. Wow.
I love the imagery on the beach, especially. However, I also think the imagery of you against a wall and your sister helping you is poignant. I'm having trouble juxtaposing the two scenes...and I'm having trouble picturing where you are when you speak.
You're toeing the line of dramatics when you describe yourself as stumbling and when you talk about the nasty fall. And no offense meant in anyway at all, but your sister sounds more like a nun than a sibling. Oh, that came out as mean...can you forgive me? She really sounds too kind.
I like your talk of heaven and hell...once again, a little over the top when you say you'll go to hell for not telling her how much she meant to you. Repenting for sins is good...
Once again, no intention to offend, but it seems like your nursing a sort of hand fetish here. Hand and foot. Does the sister have a face? Does she have a personality? This could almost be mistaken for a physical attraction here...but it doesn't seem as though you [i]meant[/i] for it to come across that way.
Overall...maybe a little more context in here? I really enjoy what you have now, but I feel as though your characters need some depth and your settings need some connections. Ah...I'm not trying to turn this into a story...but hmm...your narrator comes across as being age-confused. Very teenage-angsty, but coming to realizations about life...It's all very angsty, but the gratitude they (she? I feel this is very feminine, but maybe that's because you wrote it) feel toward the sister is a very odd counterpoint to all of this. The narrator is...not fully realized. This is good work, and you have a lovely way with words and breaking your lines in this, but you should look this over again at some point and check it out a bit more.
Sorry, I usually review fiction on here, it's true, but that's because I usually write fiction. I'm /supposed/ to know how to analyze/review poetry, I do it enough in school, but if this seems to be too much like a story review, I'm sorry about that.
Ahh, darn, I didn't really talk about your word choice that much (knocks self in head). I write notoriously long reviews, so I'm going to just stop now. Well, I guess I did mention the bubbles (rolls eyes...like that little tangent meant anything...)
I guess I can always PM you about what else I might find :)
| briannanicole768 chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
I am so sorry for your loss. I loved how you were to convey such beauty and sweetness in this wonderful poem...I loved it! Keep up the good work! :)
P.S. Thanks for the review! :)
| CandleQueen chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
Wow, that was really sweet, and it really drew me in. My favorite so far. I really can't find anything to correct. I loved it!
| Billie.Joelle chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
This was a very nice poem, it flowed well, and was a very nice read. I loved how you always kept something about a bubble and a world in every stanza. It was very nice, but I think the parentheses were a bit overdone. I personally do not like the use of parentheses in poetry, though other people might. But overall, it was a very nice poem, with a very nice theme. Good work.
| 123454321 chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
"those words I should I have said"- I think something may be missing from this line.
"Those gentle hands that erased my fears
But most importantly, soothed my tears"- I think switching the words "erased" and "soothed" would make it flow better. But the strong wording of "erased my fears" would be damaged by "soothed". Maybe just changing "soothed"?
"How very much important you were to me"- Grammatically weird sounding, possibly incorrect.
The seventh stanza; the word "alone" leaps from the page (convenient it's in italics). Striking imagery follows in that stanza.
"And walk in your quickly fading footsteps,
Staggering, falling, chasing with all my might"- The choppy sentence structure quickly conveys the feelings of the main character.
The reference to the "two others" left me with a feeling of disconnection and anxiety concerning the unresolved issue obviously on the characters mind. It took away from the overall flow of the piece.
| LyricsArePoetry chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
Aww, this poem is so sweet, and beautifully written!