Reviews for The Radio Ad
mikey magee chapter 1 . 4/14/2009
"I actually really smart.' Change to "I'm actually really smart"

"A's and answer the questions the teachers ask almost always right." This sentence read a little awkwardly. Maybe change to "... and answer the teacher's questions right all the time."

I loved the opening. It pulled me in well and it introduced the character and his/her troubles nicely. I think it would be a little more helpful if you expanded a bit on them. For example instead of "My parents couldn't care less" try to flesh it out, like "My parents didn't care. Dad wouldn't be home until late. He always worked late, and Mom seemed to disappear into the world each time she kissed me good morning and bid me farewell. It was as if she walked into another world. One which I was afraid she would never come back from."

I really liked the ending. But I think it would have helped a little more with the impact if you had underplayed it a bit more. Like "But I didn't know how wrong I was. I didn't know anything."

Very lovely first chapter! Keep writing :)
arial-96 chapter 6 . 4/2/2008
Hello,

That chapter was better! Although there were a few mistakes here and there, it was pritty good. I still think you should work on developing your characters.

.:arial-96:.
arial-96 chapter 5 . 3/10/2008
I'm not going to list the mistakes of this chapter (the other reveiewer covered most of them) but I am going to give you one huge peice of advise:

Work on your character development. For example, William is clearly a important charcter in the story, but we don't know anything about him. If thats the way you want it though, it still dosen't have to be so flat. Have you read To Kill a Mockingbird? If you have you'll notice how Boo Radley is a dominat character, yet we still don't know alot about him. The reason that we remeber him, and want to know about him, is beacuse the author adds intrest to the charater. She makes questions about the character you want answered. Just please work on your story for longer. Three chapters in just a week and a half is not always a good thing.

I still think his story has potential. However, please work on the things I and the other reviewers have suggested. May I suggest a possible Beta?

Please work harder on your chapters,

arial-96
arial-96 chapter 4 . 3/10/2008
"We can get back. Think about it like this. There is only one way down the one way street but there are other streets around that one all leading somewhere. Even though it would be faster to just turn around you can't but you could travel down another street and at somepoint you will find the street heading back home. There is a way out if we look for it."

I really do hate to say it, and I hate always having negative things to say about your work, but you really do need to work longer and harder on this. Take the quote above. It has a very good meaning, but when you don't write it properly, all the meaning drains from it and you can't notice the idea. You are getting better though.
arial-96 chapter 3 . 3/10/2008
Hello. Yet agian you have alot of mistakes in this chapter, I really have to emphaise spending more time on your chapters. What I mean by this is reading it very carefully, aloud in your case, so you can catch the mistakes. If you don't beleive me, just try it, you will get way better results.

For example:

"Jack is every bit as crazy as you think he is but the truth is what he said it the truth."

-Just read it aloud. Do you notice that there needs to be a pause after "think he is"? Do you notice that if you read it the way it was written it does not sound proper? With a little bit of work you can make it make sence:

Jack is every bit as crazy as you think he is, but the truth is, he's right. (or somthing to that extent)

But overall, with more character development, proper grammer, and corrected spelling, this story could be really good. JUst work on a few things.

arial-96
LucienofShadow chapter 5 . 3/8/2008
'feel asleep.' You mean 'fell asleep.'

"his job which is music." comma after job

'we can began' watch your verb tenses, 'we can begin.'

I've gone through all five of your chapters now, and I still haven't been drawn into the story. Not much has happened, and the characters don't have enough depth for me to stay for their sake.

I would highly recommend going back and fleshing out your story quite a bit more. And editing it for grammar/spelling errors.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon, hosted by the Review Game forums (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 4 . 3/8/2008
"You know Kate" comma before 'Kate.'

'into the this world' take out either 'the' or 'this.'

'into the other's deaths.' I'm almost positive you meant 'depths.'

That last sentence is a run-on.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LucienofShadow chapter 3 . 3/8/2008
'tryed' should be 'tried.'

You need a comma after 'tried to shout'

"Your crazy" Should be "you're"

This story needs commas in many places. I'm not going to list all of them, but please go back and find those locations and add them in.

-Lucien
LucienofShadow chapter 2 . 3/8/2008
"mother when marched over to me." Did you mean 'who then?'

You say 'grapped' twice here. You must have intended 'grabbed.' Both times... I would highly suggest going back over and reading your work before posting it so you can catch such silly mistakes. Same with 'guiter' again.

'right in frout' 'front.'

You need a comma after 'and grabbed me'

-Lucien
LucienofShadow chapter 1 . 3/8/2008
You spelled 'guitar' as 'guiter' by accident.

The exclamation point at the end of the last sentence actually takes away from the emphasis, makes it seem childish.

"Really I am a nobody" needs a comma after 'really.'

The problem with this chapter is that it does nothing to draw the reader in. Up until the radio advert, you have a generic beginning for a hundred stories. I'll read to see where it goes, but you can't expect most readers to do that. Looking at the word count, you could easily afford to put all five of your chapters into one longer one.

-Lucien of the Review Marathon (see link in profile)
Harry's Scar chapter 3 . 3/1/2008
The story is great so far! Out of a ten I would give it a 9.9! The only thing is, you have a lot of spelling errors. Try to reread your work so you can pick up on your mistakes. You have both tricky words and spelling errors. Try to fix them, but other than that your writing is phenominal! Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read the rest of it!

-Harry's Scar
arial-96 chapter 2 . 3/1/2008
Hello agian!

I only have two huge peeves from this chapter:

1) The second sentence made no sense "my good-for-nothing mother when mached over to me." Um, why is when in there?

2)In the middle of the second paragraph you wrote "what a bunch of garage!" instead of garbage, and "I flapped off the radio..." instead of I flipped off the radio.

3) You keep essing up your tenses, like in this sentence: "Shaking my head I know I would never make it on time." It should say "I knew I would never make it..."

I really have to stress rereading your chapters more than once before posting them. Things like spelling and extra words are easy to catch. I sometimes have problems with tenses also, but if you just read it aloud to yourself, you can usually pick it up.

I really like your plot line though. I can't wait to read the next chapter! Please update soon,

arial-96
arial-96 chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
I enjoyed the way that you wrote this, although I do suggest you reread your chapter a couple of times before you post it. There are just minor errors that you could easliy catch, like sometimes you miss a word, or spell someting wrong (like in the ad you put "no" instead of "on"). Overall I really enjoyed this chapter. I really want to know how an add could change this persons life, and who exactly this person is... I hope you update soon.