|Reviews for Six|
| snowdance chapter 1 . 5/17/2008
REVIEW MARATHON PRIZE:
Cliffhanger! And a great one, at that. I liked how you gave the feeling of fear through the scatterbrained topic in the sentences. Also, not going into depth makes for the cliffhanger-ness. Great job!
| Fractured Illusion chapter 5 . 5/4/2008
Freebie review! :p
"“I want to help Jake.”" I think you need to put a comma in front of Jake, otherwise it seems she wants to help some other Jake bloke :p
"He looked at me loyally."
How can someone look at you "loyally"? That doesn't make sense... Try to describe HOW this looks instead of just telling it. Ie, were his eyes focused on hers, never breaking? Were his eyebrows furrowed in concern? etc etc.
"Hey mom, what happened to this?” he asked brightening up.
“This, this piece of the quilt, it’s coming off."
OMFG the dreams! THE DREAMS! O_O wait, I should probably read beyond this quoted text and find out if I got it right.. *goes back to read*
YES! I was right! OMG this is like Elm Street what with the dreams. Holy how will she survive? :o I liked this twist, definitely did NOT see this one coming. Awesome.
I also like how you expanded on a different side of her life (her kids). So far the dad seems very bad. I wonder if thats true or if Lana is just too subjective and not trustworthy? :p
Keep it up.
Btw: "It looks like a dead flower.”"
| A.S. Leer chapter 1 . 5/3/2008
RM review (I actually read 2 chapters)
I liked the creepiness factors. I couldn't figure out what was going on, and that's always good. It made it more intriguing.
I disliked, however, the lack of commas. Some of your sentences seemed run-on-y, even if they were short and wouldn't have been with a well-placed comma.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 4 . 5/2/2008
Had some time over, so I'm back :)
"Every night[,] though, regardless"
I have been taught that you surround words such as "thought" with commas on both sides.
It's a bit freaky that she wakes up exactly the same time. This COULD indicate there is something supernatural going on, but not entirely. I myself have a habit of waking up at the same time (if I go without alarm clock). Though this an unusual time to awake...either way, the body can very well be unconsciously aware of the time. So I wouldn't put it past her to be insane and/or paranoid ; Of course, it is labeled a SUPERNATURAL story so whatever haha :p
"knowing the kids would be at their dads."
Unless the kids have several fathers, I think you mean "dad's"? :p
Was a bit surprised when Lynn turned out to be a male, haha. I was like "oh noes, he be cheating!" but then, it was her that might be emotionally cheating ;
"Dr. Joe, maybe I should talk to him again, my thoughts returned, "
Two beefs about this:
1) Why the first in italics? It's in first person POV, we are dealing with her thoughts constantly. I don't see a justification for the italics.
2) A period instead of comma after "again" would suit much better, methinks, because they seem so independent from each other.
"and attractive his hazel eyes were warm"
hmm...say what? Maybe a comma after "attractive" or some other kind of break? I reserve myself for I am no comma/period guru.
"neither seemed to impede the other in anyway.”"
While "impede" could fit for a scholar or professor, I don't think it does well to realistically portray a single mom :p I think it's more likely for her to say "stop" or something common like that.
"He reappeared. “Sorry about that Lana. I have a new patient. She’s having a rough time.”"
:D Maybe her friend?
"but I smiled, “of course."
Forgot to put it as a big "O" there
Now as I am finished with the chapter, I will address your concern. I had no problem at all with the amount of dialog. Dialog is a necessary part of life, too, so there is no reason to feel bad about including it.
I wonder if Suz will have a bigger role here. It'd be interesting if someone beside Lana got dragged into this.
That black skull person really seems like a sort of demon. Is it him that is after her, or someone else? I am curious to know what it is... Maybe it's a "Mwahah, you divorced yo' man, now I will reap yo' soul!" and then somehow Suz will be dragged into it. :o
Ok not really ; But divorce/splitting up has been mentioned quite a few times. Maybe it has more relevance to the story, is all I'm thinking.
Still interesting. Keep it going.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 3 . 4/30/2008
Had some trouble with our main character's dialog. She described it very non-normal-like. Ie:
"I was marveling"
"only visible because of the flickering lights"
These doesn't quite sound like something a scared woman would say in a hush-hush situation.. It's rather more something to be written as a story (not minding that this is a story :p)
Aside from that, though, the dialog was fine.
Holy cow, she is sweating blood! :o I have heard you only do that when you think you are about to die (though I think its only a myth ) Still interesting nonetheless. And Suzie never answered if she could see. But I think she did, because she said what is THAT? Not "what is IT?" Makes a huge difference.
Oh, main character is named Lana? Finally we got to know
"You’re laughing, that’s good” "
Yeah, good for her INSANITY that is! :p
I liked the ending of this chapter. Although this and the previous both dealt with sleep, this was more strong and intense because there is still that fear and danger lurking about.
Disgusting thing, sweating blood, bytheway. Another ew.
The doctor made things a bit boring, though. He was the usual appearing-to-care type of person. I don't know...just didn't appeal to me, I guess.
Nice story so far. :) I am interested in seeing what that person is and what his motives are for mind-stalking her...or whatever he is doing.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 4/30/2008
Yeah, you made me so intrigued I had to go ahead and see what's up. ;
"“It’s okay[,] honey,”"
I think there's supposed to be a comma in connection to a name/nickname/title/whatever. This is to show the speaker is addressing someone. Not a hundred percent sure, though.
By the way: Ew for the vomit scene. Disgusting, Zonne! :p But well done. It made me go "ew" after all.
I am still not too fond of your sentences. This:
"Sweat pouring off my skin, "
I want to change into
sweat POURED off my skin
I have no clue what this "he" person is, though. Sounds like a demon or the devil himself. I have no clue what he got against her though. I am still interested in the story, but this chapter wasn't as interesting to read as the previous one. I think the ending of this chapter was quite dull, so maybe that is why. Either way, I am still interested in the story as a whole.
I feel sorry for the kid to see her mother like this, though. :( Parents should be strong in front of their kids. Poor girl. Hopefully the bad man won't visit her too.
Or will he? :o
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 4/30/2008
Congratulations on making it into the Top 3 in the Review Marathon! Here is your prize! :D
"Six minutes until, something happened, or possibly"
The first comma is unnecessary, methinks, and only breaks the natural flow of the sentence. I don't see what it's doing there.
"The children safe at their father's house for the weekend"
The children WERE safe? It's an awkward wording in this sentence.
Okay, so far, you seem somewhat fond of fragments/fragment sentences, but an overuse of them won't work for you, they'll only work against you. The reading experience becomes choppy and disconnected, and it is hard to get into.
Take the following quote for example:
"I stared blankly into the dark. Wrapping myself in the night, hoping I could be absorbed into the nothingness and disappear, but that wretched clock, with it's blinking numbers, stared back at me, mocking, tormenting, telling me to beware."
I think this would do better as:
I stared blankly into the dark[, w]rapping myself in the night, hoping I could be absorbed into the nothingness and disappear[. B]ut that wretched clock, with it's blinking numbers, stared back at me, mocking, tormenting, telling me to beware.
I think it is important that the writing itself is coherent, even if the scene isn't. Especially when the scene isn't. To add mystery should be done through the story not through making the writing confusing. :p
THOUGH, having fragmented sentences may be a style, and if you wish to write that way, it is entirely up to you.
With that said, I did enjoy the chapter. The amount of fragment sentences were mostly the first half, and in the second half it really intensified. It reminded me a bit of Terror on Elm Street, whatwith "was it a nightmare and do they come to life" type of thinking.
I think it's nice to find out this is a mother (because it somehow gives a title to this otherwise nameless character). The mention of worrying about her children came very naturally.
Suspenseful and intriguing. Some sentences needs to be fixed up, but that's all. Well captured dread, too.
| Written chapter 7 . 4/19/2008
I think the balance you have right now, with development of characters and horror type things is actually really good! I wonder if Suzie is having similar problems? Probably not, but the idea just occurred to me.
the slice of life bits are great. very true to life.
| Track8 chapter 7 . 3/26/2008
This chapter is a good addition to the rest of the story - a bit more of an insight into the main character's life other than the nightmare.
I really liked the ending, but it seems like there's a bit more you could add to fill up the chpater as a whole or just add detail.
| Track8 chapter 2 . 3/20/2008
I like the introduction of her family in this chapter while you still keep the edge of horror to it.
| NotABanana chapter 6 . 3/20/2008
Wow... this is a lot different than your one-shot stories. It's really good, though! A little creepy, but good. I couldn't stop reading it. Nice job!
| Written chapter 5 . 3/19/2008
Awesome chapter! I love the way you've conveyed her relationship with the kids. The things their dad did actually seemed really realistic.
I can't wait to see what happens next... please update soon! the ending just FREAKED me out.
| Written chapter 4 . 3/19/2008
and we all have that perfect 'friend' with the perfect life. geeze, that was so real.
your writing is really easy to get into, which just makes it more scary!
| Track8 chapter 1 . 3/18/2008
This is creepy as all hell. Great job, now you've got me slightly scared to sleep. I like this a lot - the emotions and fear are captured really well in this first chapter. I am looking forward to reading more into it.
| defola chapter 1 . 3/14/2008
Thank you for your kind reviews!
"What would I ask for? Stop time? Then I would be trapped forever in this moment. Would that be better or worse?"
I adored that line. It's really clever!
And I love the intrigue and suspense you build up. It's really compelling to the reader to move on and read more.