|Reviews for Charlie's Angel|
| Fractured Illusion chapter 5 . 4/25/2009
This is for Bubbles' Review Marathon prize, but she gave her review away to you :) So here I am!
"“About what?” He asked."
He should not be capitalized as it is a continuation of the sentence, blabla, you probably know this already.
"I said, truthfully."
Skip the truthfully, it's superfluous. It doesn't seem like she wa lying either way.
"less you,” I smiled at him."
Comma only if followed by "he said" or any variation thereof. Last time I checked you cannot formulate a sentence by smiling, so it would have to be a period/dot there :p
Haha, Wayne is a cop too? XD Man a lot of people are interested in this case. Nice plot twist!
Still liking the story, FYI. I am just lazy. :( Charlie is kickass. The guy told her about the murders and she feels hungry XD
Keep it up!
| degrees-of-rambling chapter 13 . 4/21/2009
stupid char. at least nate doesn't have the problem of fraternizing with that suspect... or does he? :P
| degrees-of-rambling chapter 12 . 4/6/2009
...me thinks that grandma is a little off her rocker and grandpa is... angry. and kenny is part of a WoW cult. (on second thought WoW is a video game cult in its entirety. Oh well! ) silly youngsters these days as "grandma" would say.)
| SuzannaR chapter 1 . 4/3/2009
hiya Fatbird :) (ha I really like your name!)
Interesting start. I like that you write in the first person, it always brings me more into the story I find.
I found several errors: punctuations, wording but I see that those were already brought to your attention so I'll not repeat that.
I felt that parts of your plot were rather improbable. For example Jay when he first started school and they thought he was a gangster...in the 5th grade? Isn't that 10 years old? This sounds like it could be possible for a teenager in high school but wow 5th grade seemed rather young. Also you mentioned that people were afraid of him and all that but you describe his behavior as shy and quiet. What then made everyone afraid of him? Was it his hair and clothes? Seems rather a small thing to be afraid of.
Also I found the transition from children to adulthood too sudden. I had to reread that bit to see if I missed something. Perhaps just a paragrah break X or something.
Also the pace was not steady, in the beginning I think you lingered over the meeting with Evan and Jay and the part later on with the guy and the money and dead bodies was too rushed.
I liked your closing line though, it packs a great punch :)and I liked the relationship between jay and the girl (I forgot her name now). Interesting.
btw this review is a gift from frac :) Lucky you :)
| helixdown chapter 11 . 2/28/2009
Oh, guess it wasn't much of a confession after all. Well, it was a short chapter, but still very enjoyable.
| helixdown chapter 10 . 2/28/2009
Hey, i'm back! Sorry, i've been really busy lately, i must have forgotten. Nonetheless, i'm happy you reminded me of your stories. It took a while for me to read through everything again, but i must say, i really enjoyed reading a second time. Anyways, great chapter, and if there's anything like a confession here it is! Love your work, i'll keep on reading.
| Indicates chapter 2 . 2/15/2009
[etc ] : Hm...I don't think this is really needed here.
[less in the ghetto]: I am one of those people who prefer to avoid words like this that replace generic description than actually bothering to describe the situation.
This chapter is quite shorter than the last one, and to me it seems to be a bit more improved than the last, mostly because of its shortless and less mistakes.
| Indicates chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
Hey, got your PM, and so decided to check out your story.
The story is...very snarky. And interesting. I actually like it; it was worth my time, and it was lenthy enough for me to enjoy even more.
The concept of a hillarious mystery story is not all that common (Or it isn't so common with me) so I was intrigued. The characters you present have personality and the story starts at the very first sentence and is fast-faced, even if some details are a bit too much for the eyes. There are a few negatives I found in it, some of which are pretty easy besides a few grammical errors. First off, are these supposed to be adults? The dialogue, like the drug sequence and the narrator's own, sounds too much like it belongs to a bunch of teenagers. It is not all that bad; the dialogue can get very professonal at times although you need to be careful that being humorous doesn't always mean juvinelle.
| degrees-of-rambling chapter 11 . 2/1/2009
aw. well... i dunno what to think... will this turn into a love...um... angle? or a...i dunno lets see... natecharewenEva? a love line? cuz its not a triangle... but personally i'm doubting the charewan
| Dragonwriter 33 chapter 1 . 12/22/2008
The end of the chapter had a nice twist when Charlie mentions that she's an undercover agent. Keep up the good work.
| degrees-of-rambling chapter 10 . 12/21/2008
yay new chapter. good job. nateXcharlie... bruhahahaha!
| helixdown chapter 9 . 11/23/2008
Hey, sorry for taking so long to review, i've been so bogged down with homework i haven't even found the time to update my own stories. Well, another great chapter to another great story, I really liked this one. There was just enough humor to make it funny, but not stupid, and i really like how Nate and Charlize are developing. Anyways, thanks for the update!
| degrees-of-rambling chapter 9 . 11/19/2008
BRUHAHAHAHAHA! LITTLE DID SHE KNOW... heh heh heh...
| Sophronia Lee chapter 1 . 11/16/2008
Well. This story definently has potential. The summary caught my eye (good job on not writing a crappy summary!)
The pace is a little fast, though. Parts of it are a little fuzzy; a bit more description could be used. (Where are they? What does it look like? Smell like?)
There's a whole bunch of run-on sentences, but not very many other grammatical or spelling errors.
Another thing: when you transitioned from Charlie as a fifth-grader to Charlie as a 22-year-old, I was confused.
However, the entire thing was well written, and the part about Flavor of Love made me giggle.
That's about all the critique I can offer. Good job!
| Fractured Illusion chapter 4 . 11/11/2008
It’s the birthday of The Review Game Forum! To celebrate we send gifts to those important to RG. Thank you for having been part of the community and spread review love! D
“Charlene, I’m Sorry –Wayne”
Good grief, I get angry on her behalf for that note of his! What an annoying prick! Smash his skull in, Charlie! DO IT! D (this is a positive comment btw, not a "I dont like your story" comment)
“Unlike my car did not a GPS system wired in me.”
- *I* did not *have* a GPS system wired in me…perhaps? :p
“I thought I’d show you it first”
- I think you mean: I thought I’d shot *it* to you first. Aka, it needs to change place
“If you guys don’t have a good food selection, I’m outta here”
This is gonna sound fangirly but Charlie is so cool D I love how she is so mellow and have these strange values. There is randomness to her but its not all randomness and I think it fits perfectly well. :)
“He stood up. [“]So what do”
“I took my last sip of it.”
- Okay this feels a bit unnatural. You see, she just bought the smoothie, and a few lines later (which can be like, what, a few minutes, tops?) she is done with it. Either mention she drink large chunks at a time or say it was a really petite drink or something to make it more believable
“have no, butt”
Remove the comma
““Well did. Before she was murdered.”
You missed a name of who had the perfect bottom! T_T
Loved the Oprah bits. This story is really charming and cute. Btw, this is reminding me of Veronica Mars a bit, except Charlie is a cop :p
Keep up the good work!