Reviews for East To Chicago
Ernest Bloom chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
I really like your work. The only hint I think I can offer is to watch out for blood-sucking leech words that can drain life out. E.g., I'll put them in caps, and maybe you'll see what I mean:

i watch THE cars slide down into THIS concrete tube

SOME lady IS applying cover girl coral red lipstick

SOME guy IS yelling loudly INTO A cellphone

i'm passing them ALL IN THIS big metal snake

THAT covers the land in crisscrossed metal strips

WE'LL TAKE THE L train to union station

we'll flee INTO THE waiting arms OF YOUR sister

and everything will be perfectly

'whatever'.

Substitute it all (your version; this just my example) for something tighter, like:

Cars pulse through concrete veins

A woman's lips painted bloody coral

Red face screaming at a cell phone

As I'm pumped through a metal snake

Netting a continent in a metallic web

Hook the L train to Union Station

Spill out into your sister's arms

Gravity anchors her orbit

Firmly around whatever

Something tighter like that; you do it.

Be careful about stacking up adjectives, too. E.g., is it helpful to say both coral and red?

Luck.
daretobe-dIfFeRnT chapter 1 . 3/2/2008
nice:)

i liked this