|Reviews for what's missing?|
| Tytherpol chapter 1 . 3/4/2008
hard truth when you realize you're lying to yourself
and that it is humanly impossible to not answer to a higher power.
your person sounds terrible
but really, really human. sort of in the same way that the holocaust was probably the greatest act of humanity in a long time.
even if humanity is what your character was trying to escape
you did well revealing how sorry you feel for that person
that they'd laugh instead of cry for the 'others'
just because they want it all to make sense
and the 'best' way to understand is to rid of all subjectivity,
which pretty much includes the benefits of feeling emotions
your tone and the simple blanketness (not a real word but you know) of your statements
ensures that it isn't first person really
i am kind of the antithesis of this character
ie i think
-their lives aren't pathetic
-responsibilities aren't created by publics, they're created by individuals, so adhering to the responsibilities you create for yourself is takes great form of strength
-we all answer to a higher power. it's unavoidable
-answering to yourself and a higher power must occur simultaneously
-i cry for them, intensely
-i think one of the things of being a human is that we can't do what we want...because, i mean, we're all in this together. our actions and thoughts depend on how they will influence others, and they are influenced by others.
-but mostly my presumed emotional apathy in decisions doesn't come from not caring, it comes from caring so so much that i feel i should do only what's best for it as a whole, and i feel that if i le my thoughts be anything less than really thought-through, then i'm doing the rest of the world an injustice. i mean, i know i'm still a kid, and i'm still learning daily, and i also know that my place is not important and will never be important in the greand scale of human life, but i still feel the need to understand it all, at least for myself if for no one else.
i don't know why i felt the need to defend myself here.
i think i honestly almost assumed you meant for your person to be someone like me
which i know is not true and i know is stupid
but your writing just do so well of putting the reader in your shoes
god your person sounds so raw and so sad.
you are so honest.
i think you write poetry very well
even if it makes me sad
| bathwater chapter 1 . 3/4/2008
I love the mixing of the Shakespearean idea with modern images. The poem does a similar balancing act between confidence and unhappiness/insecurity. My only suggestion is to replace the eighth line "Right?"-I thought it detracted to much from the speaker's demonstration of autonomy. Maybe you could change it to "See?". Then you get rhyme as well as the idea of demonstration combined with a hint of insecurity.
| In the Rye chapter 1 . 3/3/2008
hmn... a little cliche. i liked the last three lines.
| Doxology chapter 1 . 3/3/2008
Wow. This was really powerful. I really loved it (especially the last line.) WELL done.
Peace & Love