Reviews for SWALLOW
XsilentXescapeX chapter 1 . 3/30/2008
wow, i liked it alot. I liked how honest the main character seemed to be and how he chose his actions. I kinda love what he did at the end lol somehow that it wasnt right and wasnt for him...i loved it overall and i had a critique but i forgot what it was as i was reading the story, so it probably wasnt that important. I also really liked this cause it was a story but almost read like a poem especially the ending.(and i love poems that read like stories!)
iLone chapter 1 . 3/26/2008
Really good, well worth reading. I liked it.
Zhenny chapter 1 . 3/17/2008
I particularly enjoyed the perspective you used for this story. The main character's personality, I think, is defined well here. I've never heard of the word "scramble" being used for... basically, freaking out, or moving around a lot, so I thought that really added onto his personality.

Also, I liked how he continuously referred to his girlfriend as having a puppy-dog face. That was amusing. I enjoyed this story, but I have to wonder why he chickened out of a BJ? Dignity, right, right. ;D

I'd like to learn from this story to improve my writing...
anxiouslyD chapter 1 . 3/7/2008
Probably one of the best things I have read in a long, long time and that's largely due to how honest and genuine the words feel right from the beginning. If this is how you always write then don't ever change a thing. The story was nothing amazing, but it was what you did with it that it seems like very few people are capable of doing, which is writing something that feels realistic and honest for better or worse.

I only have two critiques for this story which is pretty good compared to most. First, you had a paragraph which started out with 'The show ends pretty late...'. Since the story is in present tense already, when I got to that line I thought you skipped the whole movie altogether. Something like 'The show will end pretty...' or 'The show's going to...' or 'The show is scheduled to...' would make sure that readers won't get confused at that point.

Second thing was I felt everything after the point where they get to Pete's house was too fast paced. Most of the sentences started out with either I or She which added to the frantic feeling because your sentences are so simple in the first place. Simple is good, but you need to be careful with pace. There is a lot of action going on, but not much thought or really anything else like there was in the first half of the story. It's still very good so don't get me wrong. It just needed a bit more meat, I think.

Anyway, nice work! :0)
VIOLENTLYmistaken chapter 1 . 3/6/2008
I actually love this. I can't really say why...maybe it's your wording or your style but whatever it is, it makes this so great to read.