|Reviews for Rose amidst an autumn|
| Kristina Suko chapter 1 . 3/8/2008
"There was the fresh bed of fallen leafs," -leaves, and I'm not sure if the comma is needed there or not.
"Svelte naked branches"- I adore that description.
The whole first paragraph is really description.
"They slither and traversed" - slithered
"Critters and insects were its tenants; and it... became their living sanctuary... the New England Cottontail rabbit,"- that semicolon can be a comma, it would flow better if the first ellipses weren't there, and if the second ellipses were a semicolon.
"the rabbit had finally saw" - eliminate "had"
"around the slender midriff; To the lower half, " - I'm not sure if you meant that to be a period, but if not, it should be a comma, and the To not capitalized.
"continued on by pair of heavy Khakis, weaved with nylon cotton fabric" -no comma.
"The human was stationary, the weight imprinted and depressed the wet field flooded "- imprinting and depressing the wet field that was flooded
"with late autumn’s leafs," - leaves
"unclorinated, " unchlorinated
" not ignoring the fat soft-yellow, manila" - not ignoring the fat, soft-yellow manila (comma is in the wrong place)
It would be less reduntant if you were to give the human a gender. Reading "The Human" repeated over and over again is a little odd, especially with all of your wonderful descriptions of nature. Could you not find more titles to give this person?
"with residues from of sharpening" delete "of"
"With a stretch, and a push to the hind legs...he stood up," a simple comma works better here than ellipses.
"wet tiny hands " -wet, tiny
" his dietary needs..." it's all very magical until you come across the word "dietary". The word is harsh, whereas the rest of the story is flowing and beautiful. Perhaps a different word, or couple of words?
"trees would shed the last of their leafs," - leaves
"flowers like white daisies and red petunias had already wither, " withered
"fruits of apples and wild cherries shall no longer produce" -would, not shall.
"the distant skies rang a muffled boom" - rang with
"puffy clouds soon swelled in size and shed their whiteness... to " - eliminate the ellipses.
"the lazy leafs in " - leaves
"intertwined, and danced furiously only for a brief second." -dancing
"and before they completely disappeared into the earth." - no "and"
"yellow leafs in "- leaves
"made the rabbit blink and squint... rooting himself " comma instead of ellipses
"as it passed through its dark"- since you've established that the rabbit is a he, it would be "as it passed through his dark-brownish fur"
"More leafs plucked out from " - leaves
"But perhaps, it was too late... " -no comma
" had already wither," - withered
"fruits shall no longer produce" - fruits no longer produced
"The rabbit turned around, it was time to go home" - semicolon, not comma.
"home...to tell his offspring the coming of winter," - comma instead of ellipses
"The rabbit turned again, his nose caught another smell and searched towards " -catching another smell and searching towards
"and against the chill, moved closer..." - against the chill, he moved closer
"a symmetrical" asymmetrical is one word.
What a very beautiful piece of writing. Your description is excellent. I hope you don't mind my corrections- the more I like a piece of writing, the more I tend to critique or correct it, so that it can reach the perfection it deserves. Just a few tweaks here and there, a few replacements of ellipses and commas, and it is the most beautiful piece of description I have ever read. Well done.
| KnittingKneedle chapter 1 . 3/8/2008
Hi, this review is brought to you by the review marathon.
I thought this was a lovely peice of gratitous description. I think love and nature do come together don't they...it's what inspires most poets. You have a great grasp of language and I love the way you cater for all the senses when you write about the rottong logs as well as the colours from the flowers, I could picture so much of it and that is the mark of really great writing. Some might argue that the prose is a little purple, but I'm such a description nut- I love reading and writing it.
I think you used elipses a bit much, where full-stops would have been perfectly acceptable and it was a little distracting.
| Christy Leigh Stewart chapter 1 . 3/7/2008
Nicely done. It's lovely.