|Reviews for Carnival|
| AngstAddicted chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
[Sorry, couldn't be bothered to log in... ;P]
This is great. I knew you could do it! The descriptions are great; it felt as though I was there, right in the middle of it... This poem is alive.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 3/11/2008
wander in aimless direction... maybe you were trying to avoid wander aimlessly because it's cliche but it sounded a bit awkward maybe change either wander or awkward
"shows and all sorts." all sorts of the things you mentioned? all sorts of other things? I dunno it confused me
twirl, whirl-pool like and hypnotic... it's whirlpool and I think i'd do whirlpool-like to associate the like with the whirl pool
I also didnt like how you started stanzas with the second word of a new sentence... that struck me as really disruptive to the flow
The last line I know you meant midst, but I read it as mist and I liked it better that way.. more metaphoric or whatever... just a thought
I really like all of your descriptions they are unique and definitely get the image in your head.. i really like the part about the coins with the alliteration and a bit of personification... you also have some alliteration elsewhere that I like a lot
It's a really beautiful piece
| Tranquil Thorns chapter 1 . 3/11/2008
You've definitely got the carnival feel going here.
My suggestions: Put in a semi-colon after the first line, or else connect the sentence with 'and'. I feel that something could be added to 'Tourists wander in aimless direction' - some of the sights they see and so on. In 'Tunes twinkle... shows and all sorts', I think shows 'of' all sorts would be better. Better yet, specify what kinds of shows.
Hope that helped a little. (: