|Reviews for Web|
| yWrite chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
The last stanza doesn't really fit the previous lines, but it is amazingly clever in the metaphorical sense. We often hear "a picture is worth a thousand words," and people really do judge most everything and everyone based on outer appearance, or the book cover. I thought the stanza was a great twist on that and "Don't judge a book by its cover."
| steffxnie chapter 1 . 9/7/2009
'It's so easy because beauty
captivates our attention since
everyone craves perfection, but
it's unattainable, a myth.'
You used enjambment here well but it feels a bit clumsy. Just my opinion though.
Sarcasm is in the last stanza right? Hmm, I think it's fits fine, but maybe you should make it more abrupt?
I hope this review helps, but this is good stuff already! :D
| totallyred chapter 1 . 4/27/2009
I pretty musch like the 3rd stnaza... I like the way you describe beauty. It's true that most people only see the outer layer of things.
And yeah... the last stanza doesn't quite fit. Because the others were all talking about beauty and how deceiving it could be, and the last one was talking about books.
I liked the poem, though. Keep it up.
[I am so sorry. This is for the April Fool's thingy... I was so busy this April, that's why.]
| Counting Petals chapter 1 . 3/24/2009
I agree about that last stanza, since it doesn't really fit the web metaphor, but I can't think of anything at the moment...so that probably wasn't very helpful.
Anyway, I loved the rest of the poem, so I'm just going to pretend the last stanza wasn't there. My favorite stanza was the second one because that's the one that stuck with me the most. I thought the word choice overall was really good, though.
| DanceLikeNo-oneIsWatching chapter 1 . 3/9/2009
This is a really interesting poem. I liked it overall, and found it to have refreshing quality and you aproached something I hadn't thought of before.
Subject-I really like how this metaphor could extend to so many different situations. It could be a relationship, school, friendship, just life in general, or simply a spider web. Many of us don't think of a spider's web as a trap, a graveyard of many, but simply as a work of art by the spider. It could be both. I like how you present the side that people don't look at, make them think about things they hadn't.
Descriptions/Images-you really make the reader feel what you feel and see what you see. "shining golden lies lining ornate columns," Is such a great line, because it makes multiple connections. The columns holding things up, the gold more beautiful and comforting than what lies within, ornate meaning an intracate network of lies. Your description of the column is good too.
Tone-bittersness can be a grwat quality in writing, and I think you portrayed it nicely. I think that it is realy an overused tone however. Many people think that they are writing a sad, heart-ache story when they really are adding more bitterness than they realized. It gets tiresome to read poems over and over again with the same world-weary tone. come up with a new feeling, I think
Word Choice-I think you could have used more elegant/eloquent writing here, as there are so many ways to describe a spider's web, and so many ways to describe society's evils. You just used over-used words like beautiful, perfection and such. It would be better if you were more creative.
Overall great job!
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 2/26/2009
The first stanza was a nice analogy to spider webs; but then, throughout the rest of the poem, you left behind that comparison, like this line:
[shining golden lies lining ornate columns.]
Since it was titled 'Web,' leaving it behind felt awkward.
[all the information we need is the picture;
it’s worth more words anyway.]
As for the last stanza, I think this is the problem, particularly the second line. It's a bit wordy. The use of the word 'anyway,' a more 'informal' word, seemed off, too.
Overall, though, it was a nice poem.
-RM Prize Review
| HauntedMisery chapter 1 . 11/23/2008
I really enjoy this poem, especially the 3rd stanza. nice job.
| May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 11/1/2008
I really loved this piece also. A suggestion:
"it’s worth more words anyway."
"a picture speaks a thousand words,
that will never be found in a book."
Thanks for all the reviews. Peace.
| Kneecap chapter 1 . 10/9/2008
Hmm, well, first off, I think you meant to put "Beauty is deceptive" in your summary rather than 'deceiving'. And also, it looks neater, above all else, when your summary only contains information relevant to the poem, rather than the whole "R&R please" thing.
"No one ever seems to learn beauty
is merely a distraction for the evil
to creep out and wound you irreparably." - I think you need a 'that' after 'learn'. And "wound" is a very vague verb (alliteration, get me), how exactly would evil wound me?
"it's unattainable, a myth." I think that should be a semi-colon rather than a comma :).
"shining golden lies lining ornate columns." - that was some really lovely imagery :), and I liked the alliteration xD.
Overall, if I may be brutally honest, this read less like a poem and more like a very very short story. I didn't get a sense of flow or rhythm from this, at least not on a poetic level. It seemed more like a small essay :S.
That's not to say it's bad though xD, I liked your imagery and the conception for the idea was interesting :D.
| Luna Turner chapter 1 . 10/6/2008
Yes, I agree with you. I really don't think the last line fits.
Unfortunately, I really don't have any suggestions. XD Sorry, I'm kind of distracted right now.
I loved the poem though... really inspiring. It made me think. And I like poems that make me think. XD\
P.S. I am so sorry for not returning your review sooner! I've been really busy with school lately but I am so sorry!
| Kirrithian chapter 1 . 9/1/2008
Freebie review, courtesy of Lime & Frac.
I enjoyed this piece, particulally the first stanza as it captures the sense of being caught of guard by beauty.
I also feel that the last stanza is out of place, but in a way that it seems that you're missing something between the last and second to last stanza's- It would be easy to put a similar three line stanza in there, drawing the two together nicely- A couple of things that spring to mind that'd draw the third and fourth stanzas together are: Masks, words, libraries, newspapers and magazines.
One thing I don't like about this piece is how it peels away from the spider web theme after three lines, then leaves it, leaving the piece with a title that doesn't particularly describe it, and giving the reader a feel of a dual themed poem that could either have the two themes tied together more effectivly, or be split into two seperate poems.
| Anya Mabell chapter 1 . 8/6/2008
RM prize 2!
Overall, I really liked the feel of this poem. The idea is very true-to-life. I would have changed these lines: "It’s always the spider you suspect
as you capture the beauty of the web."
They confused me a bit because the next line talks about beauty being a distraction for evil. I would think that it would be better to say "It's never the spider you suspect
as you capture the beauty of the web." (or something like that) I think it would tie in with the next line better.
Regarding the last stanza, I think the problem is in the word "books", because you jump from talking about beauty and the deceit of it as a whole to something very specific and it seems to come out of nowhere. Actually, I think you could probably even do away with that stanza altogether. The rest of the poem can stand fine on its own :).
So, that turned out much longer than I thought it would be...but there you have it! Haha
| CeruleanStarGlow chapter 1 . 8/5/2008
Beauty is just deceit, an illusion
All we ever see is the outer layer
Shining golden lies lining ornate columns
Gold leaf lies adorning the leather covers of books
Beauty keeping us from the words within
Who actually reads books anymore?
They're just layign in the dust
Cobwebs adorning their covers
Even the spiders left their webs to rust
Not beautiful enough for their web
Who actually reads books anymore
All the information we need is the picture
It's worth more words anyway
Okay, that was just an un-proof-read idea, maybe you'll like it.
I really liked your style in this poem. i love the beginning two lines.
| FirstBloom13 chapter 1 . 8/5/2008
RM review #2!
first of all, great job. it was very eloquent and artistic.
I liked how the last stanza shook you out of the reading and made you think... at least it did to me :) I think you should just leave it be.
I think if the stanzas were the same length or were tied together in some other way, it would greatly help the flow.
| Starfire17 chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
I liked the whole theme underlying this piece because it's so true.
Also there were some lines that were just beautiful with their imagery mainly the reference to "beautiful threads" and "shining golden lies lining ornate columns".
The last stanza is a little out of place but if you were willing to stray away from the web idea and talk more about beauty it could work. For example in the third stanza you talk about only seeing the outer layer so you might be able to compare surface beauty to a book's cover first off as the first line in the last stanza. It would make the last stanza longer but tie it in further to the idea of beauty. It's not a great example but just an idea on how it could fit.
Also in the first stanza I think it might flow a bit more if "but" was moved to the last line of that stanza.
Other than that very well written with good imagery and an underlying meaning that was presented enough to give it emphasis without detracting from the flow or the words themselves. Good job!