|Reviews for Summer|
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 3/27/2008
Okay, here's a review.
1)"There’s something electric about summer nights" It's my belief that every good intro asks a question. That question is the thing that drags the reader forward into the thick of the story, in quest of the answer. 'what makes summer nights electric' is a pretty good question, in my opinion. I approve.
2) That said, your second sentence is huge. You might get a little more punch out of all those images if you split them up a little.
3)"tagging along like children following their teacher at a museum. (“Remember, please don’t touch the displays!”)" That's an absolutely lovely line. It's occurred to me that you write stories like poetry. It sounds amazing, but please don't knock yourself out with it if it takes a lot of time to write this way.
4)"I really miss that feeling." three paragraphs of gorgeous set-up, then the unassuming punch-line slips in. Good technique.
5)"You can’t capture the pulse of an evening in a picture." another lovely line.
6)"and since I’ve been sewn into the sky, my perspective has changed." definitely wasn't expecting that. Reminds me a bit of Gaiman's "stardust", and suggests there's a whole lot more story here to tell. Maybe.
7)"I don’t want to see his smile fade into a little ball of light" sweet and poignant.
8)Wow. Uh, wow. I'm gonna wrap this review up quick, as I kinda haven't got any words left, but this is lovely. If you ever had any doubts about whether you can write stories, please consider them dispelled. And write more. I really, really liked this one.
| jemehe chapter 1 . 3/19/2008
I think summer is overrated. All it is is a crazy humidex, mosquitoes, smog alerts, overpriced ice cream and old guys wearing speedos on the beach.
(Real review will come soon.)
| chuppie chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
You write poetry, don't you? This is not a bad for a short story. I like the scene you paint but that's just it- a scene. I'd had liked there to have been a clear cut beginnin, middle, end...etc. Also, the imagery you have in the story is stunning, but it is so almost so poetic that it distracts the reader. I had a very difficult time reading the second sentence of your first paragraph in particular. Some tip when writing any story. Imagery has a place, but it becomes all the more effective and poignant if you throw it in every now and again. And tell me more about this Simon- go into detail about the stupid things she and him laughed about. Overall though you do a great job setting this langorius mood- keep up the great work P