|Reviews for Waif in the Wind|
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 1 . 5/6/2008
Happy Review Marathon Review! Good Job!
"Together they melded and twisted, entwining their tiny bodies, merging and mustering all their combined strength they squeezed out a singular droplet and watched as it fell" their combined strength they squeezed... a word or a punctuation mark is missing here. :(
The entire beginning is confusing, and I think it's because you leave out a lot of words or punctuation. Such as here: "The bush deeply rooted saw it coming and reached its brambly arms to snag it." Should it maybe be "The bush[,] deeply rooted[,] saw it coming and reached [out] its brambly arms to snag it." You also have a TON of description in here, but honestly I have no idea what is actually going on. You talk about "the waif" at first but then "the mudlark" are they the same thing? very VERY confusing.
"Fell to and through the atmosphere below." This is a fragment. It needs to be combined with one of the other sentences around it.
"She sat up and searched for recollection but the book of her life had been written" This sentence is confusing. You're trying to imply (with the "but") that she can't recall because the book... had been written. However, that makes no sense. If it had been written, she should be able to recall - the second sentence doesn't improve this image, just makes it weirder.
You're trying to make this all so flowery and full of imagery, but you're making it clunky and extremely confusing. Just tell it straight, because trying to weed through the pretty words to find what's actually going on is HARD. Like here: "The bush retracted its arms and cowered. Her eyes were first to move voluntarily" I though the bush's eyes were moving. The bush is apparently ... alive. so, I'm confused.
The thing about her mind being a book is weird because most people do not think like that... I dunno. It's just weird.
"She stretched her pencil legs." Since you were just talking about writing in a book, "pencil" is not the word to use here since it conjures up images of her writing with her legs. And in that paragraph, later you talk about her small feet and "spindly legs" which are unneccessary since you've already described her legs as being pencil-like.
"It was irrelevant that she did not know her name or own history, because her beginning was this moment, and her name would be known, or given, by those she had yet to encounter. It was best this way." Okay, so is she consciously thinking this? You make it seem as though she is. I would find it incredibly strange if she was actually thinking this.
A LOT of your sentences start with "she".
"But if one was to search her eyes, they would see that the large pupils were rimmed with a thread of amethyst, and within that rim of amethyst, there danced flecks of citrine." ... the description of her eyes is hard to follow. I keep thinking that you are talking about the bush. Also, I have no idea what colour citrine is. Is amethyst purple? In my opinion it's rather annoying when people write fantasy and can't call colours colours - they have to use all kinds of fancy words nobody's ever heard.
When you say "Beautiful as they were, they were dark" right after talking about how the bush shivered, it makes me think that she is evil. Dark, here, in close proximity to the idea that the bush is shuddering because of the girl and the idea that no one will look in her eyes, makes it seem to mean "evil" instead of "black". So my view of her makes her seem evillish and I'm not sure if that was what you were trying to pull off.
"Wisdom, however, would suggest never looking too deeply into those eyes. To do so would provide a view into the darkness. One would never find what they searched for there, for they were hers, and one could only find their own soul in their own eyes." Here... again, is his her conciously thinking? It's kind of weird the way this switches around and I don't really know who is thinking what - is the omniscient narrator telling us these things? Is she thinking these things? Is nature, the bush and the puffs up there, thinking these things? Confusing.
Overall, incredibly confusing. I like the picture you're trying to paint here - of a young girl who is completely born of nature and cared for by nature, especially the idea that nature was trying to help her breathe with air pressure and gravity... but your words are so flowering it's incredibly difficult to understand what is going on here. :( Incredibly flowery. You need to tone it down, in my opinion, because it's like this thick fog covering up what's actually going on and it is terribly difficult to read.
| Written chapter 2 . 4/19/2008
oh wow, I'm honestly intrigued. The beginning left me a bit confused, but this chapter with the bit on personification... well it's a very interesting angle, and I SERIOUSLY want to read more. like now!
haha. take your time.
all right. you're doing well. obviously. love the narrator's voice. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ending of this chapter. like. wow. heheh. sorry, am I coming on too strong?
| person is gone chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
Comment on the first part: you switch from an "it" waif to a "she" waif without telling us how we got there. Doesn't sound too good in a story to switch genders suddenly XD It's confusing.
I like it. It's weird as heck and takes a bit of thinking to figure out where you're coming from some of the time, but it's fascinating because of it. It's not a mindless, quickly-thought-out story (I could be very wrong here D) but strange and individual Anyway, yes, very... simply... intriguing.
P.S. This is so Nietzsche: "...and one could only find their own soul in their own eyes." - "When you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes also into you." or whatever it is. Haha I love it...
| Tranquil Thorns chapter 2 . 3/17/2008
'The very idea is quite silly, for it is humans that are the imitators, not other beings' - I really like that line. Interesting concept, and it really gives you an idea about who the narrator might be.
I admit I was a little confused about this, since this seems like a completely new narration following the first chapter. Though, now that I read again your ending of the first chapter, I can see how this fits.
I like the narrator's voice. It put me in mind of a magical scholar/archivist, and I'm curious to know more about him/her and the ideas in this story. Keep writing!
| Tranquil Thorns chapter 1 . 3/15/2008
I think this is a nice beginning.
Great description and personification of the wind and the bushes. I had to do a double take because I thought you made them into real characters, haha, as in the bush part: 'It refused to react, though it may have shivered'.
You've got a few typos here and there, and the sentence 'She examined her legs and arms and decided she was sufficiently well, she stood and faced the bush' sounded a little iffy to me. Did you mean: 'She examined her legs and arms and *when* she decided she was sufficiently well...'?
In 'The bush deeply rooted saw it coming and reached it brambly arms', should it be 'and reached *its* brambly arms'? If you read over what you wrote again, you'll manage to pick up the rest of the minor typos. (:
I like where you're going with this. Is she a fallen angel of some sort?