|Reviews for Heritage|
| WhenceComethThisBoredom chapter 2 . 8/27/2008
Oh dear, for a moment, until you said sister, I was thinking "girlfriend". But I can imagine this easily, and I'm happy to say, no traces of incest are in it. So good job there.
"Who am I in front of the perfection that is you?" - ha ha ha. I like this much. perhaps because it is the sort of thing that I would say, but who's objective anyhow?
Silly fictionpress. Thou hast got me so into reading that I have let my tea grow cold. Not entirely your fault, Rayne Boe, but partially. Feel your guilt!
I see. Many years is so very long.
I like the way these two interact, btw.
Ha ha ha! Paperwork! Nobles doing paperwork! Oh, dear me.
...but who actually claps in the midst of conversations? honestly? people are always saying so-and-so smiled and clapped, but clapping seems so out of place in most situations. But I suppose I've never really thought of it before now.
I just decided Svana and Kian are nice names.
Chrysanthos: Gr chryssos, gold, xanthos, yellow - golden-yellow. I wonder if you thought of that? applause if you did. more if she turns out to be blonde, or is wearing yellow.
ah, two points: a gold necklace and blonde hair. I had to look up "heliotrope" - I thought it to be a yellow, but my dictionary says reddish-purple, so no point there. but a yellow hat on blonde hair would look a bit odd.
Ah. THIS is the girlfriend.
"You are just a woman!” shouted the WOMAN. oh, oh. silly self-sexism. like a white-supremacist black man, she is. which is, of course, amusing.
Ha, Kian is like the younger John Rockefeller. Oh, rich-person angst.
Now the servant girl's being polite...
Well, first let me say that the preponderance of adjectives actually works in your favor. I found it was easy to imagine most of this quite vividly, especially the scene with Kian and Svana, and also most of the portion with Andria. I still find the lack of contractions in their speech jarring, and at the end I kind of get a sense of enlightened-aristocrats-condescend-to-invite-less-fortunate-to-lunch-as-a-public-service, well meaning but still imperialist, despite your note about their good conversation, which I think an attempt to dissuade the reader from such an opinion. But I must again point out that this really isn't bad. I actually liked portions of it (especially the first half, between brother and sister) better that Chapter 1, though that may be because I dislike Millicent. The ending feels... well, a mite weak, I'll admit. But the ending does not invalidate good writing in the earlier parts. I also particularly liked the first interaction between all three nobles, with the "It is HERITAGE". I could see both of these fave bits quite well in my head, which may be a product of the late hour, but which I'm more inclined to credit to good writing. So. There.
If you don't like the last paragraph, you could just cut it. I don't think the point would be lost.
Also, summaries are pretty hard to write, it's true. Also catchy titles. Oh well. Your title may not be catchy, but it does fit, and I know that once a document has a name attached to it in your head, it's hard to put another name to it. I haven't yet done so myself...
(See? I told you I'd come back!)
| WhenceComethThisBoredom chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
Okay, I'm back (yes, that was me). Except for the quill pen, I have this image in my head of a Prince Charles-type in a white suit and boater hat sitting on his verandah reading the paper. In case you wondered.
Ha ha. Boy was I off. Silly noble people in their fancy get-ups. Oh well. I like boater hats.
should a mere maid really be scoffing at her kingly employer?
ha. you said he had hazel eyes earlier, but here you say deep brown.
dude, if I were him I'd totally fire her. Insolent girl.
I had a character in a story once named Lothar. He was a brooding silly person. It was a silly story. But Lothar is ...such a dark name. Is your Lothar brooding? I suppose I'll find out.
Rhokea's lucky that Kian's so forgiving. Also, it's kind of obnoxious how he doesn't use contractions, but I guess that's since he's royalty and all.
Flirting with a servant! Unheard of! Scandalous! Gracious me!
At times a bit wordy, nonetheless this - like your other piece - grew on me. In the first sentence of this section you used passive voice with the teacup and the description of the breakfast table dragged... but then again, it gave a very exact image of the scene, and took care of the description to the point that none more was needed later on. And the description of the clothing... while I would usually object, I confess that in this case I kind of like it. Because clothes takes so long to describe, people usually don't, but... you know. As a girl, I can appreciate loving details where one's wardrobe is concerned.
| I will finish this later chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
should be "passed his view", not "surpassed".
but I like stories that begin with wills. so there.