|Reviews for Clay Within Your Hands|
| under the influence chapter 2 . 7/10/2009
Good start...your writing is clean and descriptive, which is a bonus! :)
The one thing that struck me, though, is that there wasn't a real 'hook'. Finding out what happened with Mary-Louise will be good...but I dunno...it feels like it's missing something.
I did notice a few errors:
'Not because our only mother just died' I found this a tad awkward...I think I know the emphasis that you were trying for, but it didn't come out
What are (on) earth could she want?
and Andrea and I both followed suite (suit).
those of my mothers. (don't need the 's')
Andrea still seemed to be in a fowl (foul) mood
“Uh yeah, Hales” (need a period)
It must be extremely hard to loose (lose) a mother
Haley walked back in from her bathroom brake (break)
everyone was friends’ (just friends)
'The population of Clanton Heights was just over three thousand, and the high school was even lesser' - this sentence is kind of awkward too...of course the population at a town high school is going to be less then that of the town itself.
All through out (one word) lunch, I was very aware of Ethan.
so I headed strait (straight) for the student parking lot
I'm sorry I was so nit-picky...but honestly, these are so minor that it doesn't take away from the story at all. I'll be looking forward to see how the next chapter shapes up :)
| Kristina Suko chapter 2 . 7/10/2009
Hm... well, I'm definitely interested in Ethan and how that's all going to work out. Just think about teasing the readers a little more with the plot- the first chapter is very important in that you have to catch someone's interest and make them want to read more. I don't mean to be harsh, but at the moment I would guess that the plot is very staple, girl-meets-boy-and-falls-in-love.
Or if you don't want to revamp the first chapter with some unexpected plot, make a prologue. Prologues can be short, to the point, and very attention catching. At the moment, although the summary was attention catching and intriguing, I cannot see where the plot of the story is going with the first chapter.
Now, on the other hand, if there is more to it than that, this chapter sets us readers up for unexpected surprises. Even so, think about adding a little more... pizazz to it. ;)
But your writing is very clean, not too many mistakes (I caught three- strait instead of straight, (strait to class), loose instead of lose (to loose a mother) and friends' instead of plain ol' friends (everyone was friends' with everyone).
Keep writing! You have a good knack for description, and with just a little refining here and there I think the story will do well. ;) I am interested to see how it goes and where it goes.
| under the influence chapter 1 . 7/29/2008
Good start...I'm definitely looking forward to reading more...and I'm interested in what happened between Abbey and her mother...
| JennieMR chapter 3 . 7/27/2008
Abby's a really well-rounded character. I like how she thinks things through, instead of just doing a bunch of stuff without rhyme or reason, like many stories I've seen on this site.
So I'll make an effort to point out at least one error with each review. One, so you don't feel overwhelmed- not that you're making tons of errors, but I just think some people might feel like I do... let's take corrections a step at a time.
Here it is:
"Oh. I didn't realize I took that long. It wasn't an inconvenience for you, was it?" Sarcasm was underlying my tone."
You can drop the "Sarcasm was underlying my tone." Mainly because it's not necessary. The way you stressed the word "inconvenience" with italcs shows that it was saracasm. And remember the rusty, old, annoying rule for writing: Show, don't tell. Annoying, yeah. Always necessary? No. But show as much as possible so you don't distract your readers or rob the story of needed emotion.
OK, that's it for now. I realy wanna see another Abby/Ethan scene. Update soon!
| JennieMR chapter 2 . 7/27/2008
Oh I love this. Makes me feel like a giddy school girl, and EThan sounds like a dream.
OK, I will point out one thing you've been doing that tends to confuse readers. here's an example:
"Honestly, I don't think I will either. And I've lived with it for sixteen years." He cracked a grin at my comment.
You should put that "he cracked a grin..." on the NEXT line, otherwise people might think EThan was the one who made the comment. You've done this other spots too. Just be sure to clearify by keeping the characters' dialogue and reactions separate. You know waht I mean? I know I've been guilty of this mistake too, even though I THINK I've made it clear. Readers will get confused.
OK, again, I really like this. So, on to the next chapter.
| JennieMR chapter 1 . 7/25/2008
So far, I really like this story... and it's funny... both you and the main character here remind me SO much of myself at age fifteen/sixteen. I was so independent and it irritated me to no end when people were extra friendly or hte girls were constantly swooning over boys, and that has come out in a number of my main characters.
Anyway, I also got saved at age fifteen.
I will have to read and write more tomorrow. It's nearly one thirty now, and I am bushed.
Great start, looking forward to more.
| Katie Saychiadu chapter 3 . 7/25/2008
I don't think this update is too short and as for the errors, you made me think there were going to be a ton, but there were barely any!
For some reason, this line made me laugh: instead with the help of my head looking at the floor, I bumped into my Dad. Great!
I can understand where both sisters are coming from and I also definitely understand Abbey not wanting to make things worse for her Dad, but I'm sure he's just worried about her.
Nice chapter and I will admit that I forgot some if it since it's not updated quickly, but sometimes, these things can't be rushed! Am I right? :)
| heartfeltlove chapter 1 . 4/24/2008
“And your daughters, their gorgeous,” Shelley turned to face Andrea and me with a grin.
You used "their" instad of "they're" .
But other than that I really liked this! Update soon!
| COULK chapter 1 . 4/10/2008
update soon please i got really into this story and then it ended and now im sad so please update soon
| Katie Saychiadu chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
Hi! Here are my comments:
1. How old is Abbey? She's 16, right? So that would make her a junior? Ethan is the youngest of the Carters, but he's in the same grade as Abbey, right? Sydney Carter is in tenth grade? That part's a little confusing to me.
2. I noticed in several differnet places, that you had words which were technically spelled correctly, however, they were used improperly. For example: "No social interaction, party, or scandal got threw their grasp." The word "threw" should be "through."
3. Other than that, I really really like this and I'm very very interested to read more. This was a nice length of chapter, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you update soon!
4. Did I mention that I really like this and I'm dying to read more? :)
| Sombra chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
I really like your story! It's so detailed, and descriptive. I need to learn to write like this _ Can't wait to read more! :)