|Reviews for My Angels Working Title|
| kittymobile chapter 1 . 3/29/2008
yoyo. i beta someones work atm btw- before they even put it on FP. They trust me to edit it without them giving the go ahead on every lil thing- i juss change it XDXD. anyhoo- lets get to this chapter:P
Marie flicked back her hair, it did nothing in the blistering wind but the action itself was more of a habit than a movement with any purpose
You need a semicolon instead of the comma else you're splicing the sentence. You also need a full stop after purpose ;). The content, as usual, is amazing though.
Marie flicked back her hair, it did nothing in the blistering wind but the action itself was more of a habit than a movement with any purpose.
WAIT! You just repeated the same line...strange...same fault though...minus the full stop, of course.
mobile phone ring.
mobile ringtone? The three words sounds a little odd.
Cursing until she’d successfully negotiated it out of her tight pocket;
That's not a full sentence, thus you can't have the semi colon there. Try a comma ;)
Marie attempted to swing the hair from her eyes once more and flipped up the top of the phone with a business-like attitude.
Comma before and too.
I swear ringtone is one word? S
Their choices of phrase were relaxed, they knew each other well but Marie still frowned darkly in annoyance.
This sounds too much like you writing an essay and not a story.
Try something like: through long acquaintance, no exchanges of niceities were necessary. ]
“Oh I don’t know.” She muttered.
A comma after 'Oh' would REALLY make her sound pissed off ;)
“Getting the ‘healthy exercise the doctor ordered’”
his humour catching as the smile spread itself slowly across to Marie’s lips.
The way this is phrased is a little confusing but the gesture is cute. How about...
his humour catching as a smile spread itself slowly onto Marie's lips.
Another thing I've just noticed: you don't have a capital letter after speech. Like this:
“I’m just around the corner.” She informed
Bad. It should be:
"I'm just around the corner," she informed
You don't use a fullstop with dialogue, only question marks and exclamation marks (something Miss Campion and my beta have both said).
She informed, in a far more pleasant tone.
No need for a comma after informed;).
clicking on the pavement as Marie finally
Use she instead of Marie here: sounds more natural and flowing.
easily as stylish as her loose tresses would have been without the weather.
Good characterisation and subtle description here.
Her feet tapped, clicking on the pavement
You need a comma after pavement here too, now that I've thought about it.
Still concentrating on this one action
Comma after action
Marie subconsciously adjusted her striding pace slightly to turn her around and force her elbow
The adverb slows down this sentence too much for the action. Try:
Marie subconsciously adjusted her striding pace a little so that she was able to turn around and force her elbow
Heehee, you didn't need the 'her' in there either ]
With the complete shelter of four walls
Comma after walls
she turned, smiling, to face her work colleague and friend.
plasticy chair dramatically
Okay, plasticy is not a word in the first place and combined with dramatically i'm afraid it just sounds weird. Use plastic instead? or partly plastic? ]
“Sit.” He commanded playfully.
Cute. Makes me think of a cat.
Placing one hand delicately on the back of the chair frame
Comma after frame.
especially those not even polite enough to pull out a chair for a lady appropriately,
Scratch out the appropriately and you're good: it's too stilted otherwise.
can’t think to offer a woman her drink. So she shall have buy it herself.”
never think or don't think and you don't need to start a new sentence with so. It sounds wrong.
Pushing herself up properly
Comma after properly!
“I’ll be just a minute.” She muttered lightly, sickly sweet.
Adorable bickering here.]
Sitting up straighter in his chair
Comma after chair!
Almost gloatingly he picked up his coffee and took a sip.
Turning to the student behind the counter, Marie slipped a fiver across its polished surface and pointed to a foreign coffee on the board behind him.
When he’d turned back from his noisy coffee machine
Comma after machine.
Buzz? What's buzz?
“No! no no.”
Comma between the second two no's.
The mobile continued to tinkle
makes me think of wee. wrong word XD. what about...
The mobile continued to pierce the air with its music?
“Oh, ok, ok that’s good.”
Two ok's is sufficient.
Still seated, Alex caught it one-handed a scowl on his face.
Comma after one-handed.
“I hate you.” He grumbled, “You should listen to me.”
He slumped further, eyes gazing skyward as he admitted defeat.
snatched the keys from Marie
Comma after Marie
Great chapter hon. You HAVE to keep writing this. The only thing I ask is please, please, PLEASE, do NOT turn this guy into Tom. XD. GO WRITE. FORGET SLEEP- we're 16, we don't need to sleep yet: we're still beautiful ;)