|Reviews for A Loss through Fantasy|
| Navagan chapter 1 . 6/14/2010
I like it, but I think it could be reworked to be a bit more poetic. Some of those lines are beautiful, I especially like "And I alone on a new dreamscape stood"... My best suggestion would be to revise it and get rid of some of the unnecessary words. If I could edit it, this is what I'd do:
"much happier than I am today" would become "much happier than today"
"So easily mention this dream that I had" could be "Easily mention this dream I had"
"But my dream did flee with very little delay" would be "But my dream did flee with little delay" ...Or, if you wanted to emphasize the littleness, I'd choose "littlest delay"
"Just as anything so perfect would" would change to "Just as anything perfect would"
"And though the reason the beauty had fled I understood" could easily change to "And though why the beauty fled I understood"
Basically, I'd remove modifiers like "so", "very", and try to condense things to the simplest way of saying things. I think it would help communicate the idea, as well as enhance the flow and therefore the connection between thoughts.
I do like this poem, but I was always taught to edit ridiculously... so those are the changes I'd make.