|Reviews for Reunion|
| Scriptwriter Mika chapter 1 . 4/24/2008
I'm going to have to agree with Crayon there about the fleshing out part. I really like the realistic feel of this story but I feel almost cheated at the end in a way. I would be more, I feel I could get more out of this. The idea is wonderful, the twist at the end was something I was not expecting. So flesh it out, distinguish the characters, and you'll have a good story to read here. Now it kind of reads a bit like a manuscript in a way, interesting but not the kind of story that stays with you. I think it has the potential to be one hell of a story, just go back and really let us know what the characters are thinking. I like to connect or at least see more character thought.
Awesome concept and start though!
| Cardboard Tube Knight chapter 1 . 4/16/2008
Well I can tell that as you've said something happened to the formatting, it might be the word processor or the file type you're using. Keep it in normal format and just put a space between every paragraph is what I usually do. Or the site could be messed up.
That having been said this is a good start to something, but it shows signs of needing more, there are times when the descriptions are great and the right words are used. Like when you talk about how the expression soaked through his voice, I have never heard that before and its unique and memorable. But as of now most of this reads like an outline. There's a lot of dialog and its not fleshed out nearly enough it seems. You could stand to stick in some more stuff about the characters, the places, the smells of the places and the like. We all forget this stuff, especially if we've imagined the place in our head so well. But its important for the reader who might not know.
Also don't forget to establish your characters, don't just lump it all in one place, but you have to show us how they look some and drop little hints here and there about them.
For you, I wouldn't delete this to start over, its good, just go back and flesh it out. Look for places where you might be able to stick bits of description without lumping it all in at once!
Keep up the good work, I hope to find out more of what's going on here.
| ByYourSide chapter 1 . 4/10/2008
First, I have to say this description really jumped out at me and rang clear:
"Guess." The voice spoke like gravel, sharpened by a lifetime of cheap booze and cheaper cigarettes.
Second, the world of your characters really seems like a dark and cheerless place. It also seems like the real world.
And third, I like your pacing. It's fast, it gets the job done, it doesn't leave too much to wonder about except what's coming. Props!
| Distilledfx chapter 1 . 4/10/2008
Nice to see another Aussie on here, even nicer to see it come through in your work. The writing in this is good, and the dialog carries the plot really well. I like to read nice conversation just because I'm so bad at it.
The ending sort of threw me off. The twist didn't really click for a bit, then I realised he was looking for his ex. I'm tired as I write this so I could just be slow.
Cool story, if you want bigger breaks between paragraphs, just hit enter then push space a few times. It wont eat it because it thinks there writing there.