Reviews for Etherena Beta
feburary chapter 3 . 9/6/2010
oh wow Bret is kinda cute and Ethan has a very tough personality is Ethan the older brother? i kinda feel like that would be the case :D i love twins
eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/24/2010
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Nnaemeka chapter 14 . 6/17/2009
Thanks for the reviews. All of yours has encouraged me to continue the story.
some random dude chapter 14 . 1/21/2009
Please, please please continue. If you don't then I'll move it, and continue if you think I can't, it's called copy and paste.
dragonflydreamer chapter 14 . 12/28/2008
Drake's a dragon? Nice twist. I knew I liked his character!

Alright. On a whole, this story's pretty good. I understand that you're fourteen, and probably just starting out on your writing, so a lot of the mistakes I'm pointing out are understandable considering your inexperience.

To summarize my main suggestions for the story:

- It lacks description. Big time. Like I said already, a huge lack of description makes it nothing more than names and lines, like a script.

- The pace is very stop-and-go. You rush a lot, then nothing happens. Try to smooth it out so your reader isn't confused or bored.

- Your plot doesn't seem to have a gneral direction. You have some bursts that seem interesting, but then they go away and are never revisited. Generally, a character experiences new things, which over time change the character in some way and contribute to the greater, central plot.

I'm sorry, I really don't mean to sound all negative, I'm just trying to help you improve your writing. I hope you take my suggestions to heart, and with some dedication and editing, this can be a really great story!

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
dragonflydreamer chapter 13 . 12/28/2008
[Don't tell me your-!" Drake silenced David.] your you're

[Your here to to take care...] your you're

[!] I think the dialogue tag covers that it was said in a rush. This block of words doesn't work too well; it's unnecessary and hard to read.

It's good that you created a scene with these characters, though. It helps the reader to keep them clear and learn a little more about their personalities.
dragonflydreamer chapter 12 . 12/28/2008
I'm starting to get a good sense of the seperation between Ethan and Bret again. That's good, because you seemed to lose it a bit in the last few chapters.

I wouldn't reccomed using caps for emphasis. They come across as immature and unproffestional in writing. Italics work much better.
dragonflydreamer chapter 11 . 12/28/2008
I'm starting to like Drake even more. You developed his character a lot in this chapter, and he seems pretty funny.

I'm really feeling a huge lack of description as I progress, though. Without it, the story reads almost like a script. I don't know if I've given you this shpeal (sp?) yet, but *takes breath*

What are they doing as they're talking?

Where are they?

What does it look like?

How are they feeling?

How are they reacting to others?

What are their thoughts before and after they speak?

Keep questions like that in mind while you're writing.
dragonflydreamer chapter 10 . 12/28/2008
[These are my cousin's Ethan and Bret] no apostrophe.

What is this "tournament?" You just kind of threw it in there, which left the readers in the dark. Also, how would the twins know what it is? Don't they need some sort of explaination?

But I like Drake. He sounds interesting.
dragonflydreamer chapter 9 . 12/28/2008
You don't need to describe the appearance and outfit of every new character you introduce right after you introduce them. It gets pretty redundant after a while.

I like David, though. He really reminds me of my friend David . . . though I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing ;D
dragonflydreamer chapter 8 . 12/28/2008
Aww, I like this scene. They're so cute together :3

I'm not going to point out every one, but a lot of your dialogue needs punctuation at the end.

Also, I'd suggest using italics for the thoughts. The way it is, it's hard to tell when someone's thinking.
dragonflydreamer chapter 7 . 12/28/2008
[Gia (pronounced Gaia) was taking her usual] I wouldn't recommend putting this in the middle of the narration. It's kind of annoying. Try putting it before or after the chapter instead.

[something exciting happens" She whispered to herself] comma after the dialogue, and S lowercase

[ So she was gonna ] gonna going to (gonna is slang that should only be used in speach)

Haha, I like the scene with Gia, though. It's so peaceful and serene . . . then she sees blood. Nice little bit of dark humor (at least I take it that way).
dragonflydreamer chapter 6 . 12/28/2008
[and Ethan was beggining to tire] beggining beginning

I like the description in the flashback. It's very vivid.
dragonflydreamer chapter 5 . 12/28/2008
[shade's weren't particularly strong,] no apostrophe

[the whole complex (what else can I call the place?) exploded] complex is fine . no need for the author's note.

I thought it was strange that you compared Bret's whole section to Ethan's. I got the impression that the two doors were meant to show some seperation between the twins.
dragonflydreamer chapter 4 . 12/28/2008
["You-!] end the quotes.

Whoa! This werewolf killed his father? Again, you just kind of threw that out there. Expand?

I'm noticing that you have good sentence variation, though; you never start with all nouns or verbs and use a variety of punctuation. It's keeping the narration interesting.
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