Reviews for Currents
Esther Jade chapter 1 . 4/16/2008
Review game!

You're writing style is generally easy to read. However, there are a few recurrent errors particularly with regards to punctuation. It doesn't impact too much on the story but it's worth fixing.

I am not so sure about opening with philosophising. Despite what some think, I don't think it really builds character. I personally find it annoying. I think it's better to tell the story and let the reader come to the conclusions on their own.

The characters are interesting. It took me a while to connect to the main character, probably because of the up-front philosophising. I liked the way you handled the distinction between angels and humans and their relationship to redemption. It was well thought out.

The dialogue was easy to read. It didn't convey too much about the characters but I thought it was an effective way of moving the plot forward.

Overall, it started badly and ended well, in my opinion. I would cut the philosophy, particularly as it's given from the perspective of a future version of the main character and give it a beginning that fits the more current situation. If you want to bring in all the learning stuff, I would suggest finding a good quote and leaving it at that. Tell the story and let the reader make the connection.

Minor points:

I think I just wanted a chance to sniff the cool moist air. - I don't think "sniff" is the most appropriate word to use here.

,” A smile appeared on his thin pale lips, - I think both those commas should be full stops as they don't describe the way he is speaking. I noticed this happened in a couple of other places too.

who is our both - Is that "both" meant to be "boss"? I'm a bit confused.

he ran his fingers through his hair. - That "h" in "he" should be capitalised.

I narrowed my eyes now, it was a force of habit when I was upset. - That comma is creating a comma splice. I would suggest changing it to a semi-colon.

as slight of a warning as they might have been - I don't think you need the "of".