|Reviews for Wrong Number|
| mylittlePRINCESS chapter 8 . 8/20/2011
update more please
| TheClosetWriter16 chapter 8 . 8/20/2011
Finally a chapter!
A great one :)
But the end was kind of sad!
| Rae Kitano chapter 8 . 8/18/2011
I had almost forgotten about this story.
Thnak you for updating - it's a good story.
| hehehaha94 chapter 8 . 8/17/2011
yay finally an update! gosh i've been waiting for long.. hehe anyway er.. interesting story cant wait for the next chapter to see him grovelling after her.. oh and er when are they finally going to meet? ) hope you keep wrting and write fast! XP
| AM chapter 3 . 8/17/2011
This chapter and the previous two should all be together. That will give the story some kind of movement, since absolutely nothing plotwise happens in the first "chapter", the second doesn't have a clear reason for ending, and this one would round out the former and bring it a kind of closure. In music, which may well describe this situation, this sort of thing would be like ending the first phrase of a song. It certainly isn't the end, but most of the time it can ring on its own with a sort of finality. That's how chapters should be.
Besides the nitpicky grammar and spelling comments, it's definitely got a lot of potential. Again, the imagery created by your verbs is superb. What became apparent to me in this chapter, though, is that it needs to be a bit more personal. You, as the author acting in 3rd person omniscient, need to act like a bad little brownie digging through every character's dirty laundry. But you can't just say it was dirty laundry- that would be too easy. You have to rub the laundry on to the page, or, in this case, the keyboard. Part of that is letting the reader know certain things about the main characters before other characters become aware of them. Case in point, the matter that Isobell is English. That's important to readers. It forms a very significant part of her character's history. Readers should find out about it before Archie does, even if it's a subtle hint.
If I were you, I'd also be on the look out for varying your sentence structure. Currently, you're relying on simple sentences, and that just doesn't hold people's attention for very long. It gets monotonous.
Now, in your little note at the bottom of this chapter you mentioned that you needed to get some advice to flesh out Archie's character linguistically. Why not make it easy on yourself and make Archie English, too? In fact, it'd be very interesting to have your story set in Great Britain and Ireland. Too many stories are centered in major American cities. In a primarily American Internet, having a different setting will make your story more appealing, and that way you can give readers a bit more critical eye to the setting (this is because most Americans romanticize the Old World, and to see a native's perspective, a more balanced perspective, is refreshing).
I hope these suggestions help!
| AM chapter 1 . 8/17/2011
I like the prose. There are good metaphors right from the beginning, and the verbs are very explicit. All around, you have some good imagery going. However, I see three major problems that detract from the very good things you have going here. There's no back story. This is the place to get readers to like/ loathe your main characters, but I just don't feel a thing for them. I just think of them as people. The last names distract the reader. Not last names in general, but these are just so uncommon ( if not made up) that it makes the reader wonder who could have such a strange last name, etc. While they're thinking this, their eyes skim down the page, and Boop! they're finished with this prologue. Have they actually read it? No. Will they appreciate what you've written to the full extant that you wrote it? No. So that's something you should think about fixing. The two points of view need to either be separate, lengthy chapters, or eliminated. Period. This is because of the fact that most people cannot feasibly switch between people quickly. Nobody is a born multitasker, even those who say they are. It's best, then, to make it easy on the readers and give them some space between main characters, or, even better, just stick to one. Another problem that needs to be avoided when using multiple points of view is to make sure that you don't cover the same events in consecutive sections. This is just plain redundant, and it bores the reader. When they're bored, they stop reading your work, which means they won't be reviewing, which means you certainly won't get good reviews.
If you were to adjust this, I'm sure you'd have a better ( if not fantastic) beginning for your piece of fiction. Thank you in advance for considering my suggestions, and please know that by acknowledging the flaws in your writing that I am trying to help you. I think this can be a great story, so much so that I would like to help bring that about.
| RaveNation chapter 8 . 8/17/2011
Marcie reminds me of my bestfriend. Love your story. I have a feeling that Helena is going to cause a lot of problems for Archie and Isobell.
| mylittlePRINCESS chapter 7 . 5/26/2011
i fond your story and love it . please don't stop keep writing update more please and fast
| wilhelmiina2 chapter 7 . 4/12/2011
I've enjoyed the story this far, curious to see where it'll go. Marcus, gah..
| Usuicross chapter 7 . 3/25/2011
I've read this whole story before, so have you changed anything in it or something? o.o
I liked it, btw. :)
| TheClosetWriter16 chapter 7 . 3/24/2011
Missed your story!
| CaBlasch87 chapter 2 . 3/24/2011
| artemisia90 chapter 7 . 3/24/2011
now that's not a nice cliffhanger! seriously though i think your story is very original and your writing is very good...
So how didn't he think that maybe she was the one at the premiere? anyway i'm waiting for more!
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 3/20/2011
I like the imagery you've given us at the beginning of the chapter because it was really creative. I also think you've done a good job with establishing how different these two characters are.
...he found two highly attracting and very endowed...
-tense switch. Highly ATTRACTIVE.
~review marathon, link in my profile
| leavemeialone chapter 6 . 2/14/2011
I like this story. It is different. I was almost not going to read it, but the summary kept calling me. (Not like the phone, but yeah . . .) I like your characters, they seem so real with problems. I like how she didn't try to push him or make him better. But, he seems to want to be better for her. I hope you update. People are still reading this. :)