|Reviews for Mercenary Turismo: Tokyo|
| WonderWing chapter 1 . 12/16/2009
I like how compact your writing here is. You manage to get a lot of poignant detail out in short bursts, so it keeps you on the edge of your seat, ya know? Like the way you describe Tomino Ohinata in the first paragraph as CEO and namesake of his company, it already is reflecting on the scene we were shown and kind of gives us a hint that we can expect this work to be story-rich.
'These belonged the american.' -you know what to do lol.
Jesus Christ, well I just got done with it. Another thing I liked is this- normally in a battle scene reminiscent of anime, when written in word it is easy to just skip ahead and cut to the chase. who wants to read short, choppy or long, heavy sentences thick with adjectives and verbs? it's just a pain, so it's easy to skip ahead and get to the important parts of the sequence.
In this story however, the actions were not too layered with unnecessary detail so I continued reading, and was grateful to have done so.
A very good piece, better than my own work, even. My only drawback is that perhaps, as your bio talks about, there is a bit of cliche here. it's not enough to keep me detracted, however. and true to your words, you use it shamelessly and are able to paint a vivid picture, anyways.
overall i liked it and am glad i read it. hope u continue it. if anything else, it is a fine scene, fitting for an anime or dark film.
| MiroFTW chapter 1 . 4/12/2008
While it's clear that you have great writing talent, the scene here is meant more for a screenplay than a novel. Such is evident from the mindless slaughter that Kaneda puts on without even so much as resistance from Flinders until Kaneda makes an attempt on Ohinata's life. And then there comes the sword vs gun fight which isn't really all that practical. But I'll bite. This scene has an overall Hollywood-ish feel to it.
Not quite sure why or how Flinders betrayed Ohinata, but I guess that's something I'll figure out later.
Just a few notes: "gripped loosely" sounds like somewhat of an oxymoron.
"...severed just below the shoulder, falls to the ground." That should be "fell to the ground."
Action good. Now waiting for a plot to develop. Update soon.
| Chagan chapter 1 . 4/11/2008
Certainly hits the ground running. Action's well written as always. One or two changes to present tense, otherwise it's pretty solid and easy to follow. I can definitely see this as a screenplay, as opposed to a novel. Will wait to see where it goes from here- at the moment the scene's a bit standard anime fight scene, so there's not much to go on, but if anything momentum should carry it. Nice work.