|Reviews for When Twelve hits One|
| Tytherpol chapter 1 . 4/29/2008
i think i'd like it better with the last stanza omitted ("because when after all...speak of")
but it's a good piece. i like the flow of it and the 4th/5th/and6th stanzas.
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 4/14/2008
Couple little things re: commas. In the first stanza, the second comma isn't needed and because you have it there, it makes the second line a parenthetic element which means that it could be removed from the sentence without affecting the sentence - not the case in this instance. Second stanza - comma isn't necessary. You virtually never need a comma before an "and". Third stanza - again, two out of the three commas aren't necessary (the first and last). Then fifth stanza - the second comma isn't necessary (parenthetic element issue again). Sixth is fine and ditto for the last.
I know I just nitpicked about commas but a lot of those jarred this reading for me and I felt that since the content was so well organised, your punctuation should be too.
The only thing that felt a little trite to me was the sixth stanza - the second line was rather blah in an otherwise emotive and engaging piece.
So kudos for the most part and feel free to ignore my comma freak out.
| radioactive stanica chapter 1 . 4/13/2008
Very beautifully written. I will add you to my favs if your not already there.
i'm a hop & a skip away
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 4/11/2008
Really interesting, especially at the ending. I like the here's a suggestion part... like your actually speaking to the reader. Nicely done.
| Julius Gillian chapter 1 . 4/11/2008
Very philosophical, this poem deserves serious contemplation.
The way you maneuover words to suit your purpose is clear from the start to the end, good job.