Reviews for Eyes Like Water
ananon chapter 2 . 8/28/2012
I like the idea behind this :) Is Ren autistic? He shows some traits - I've done some research into autism since my cousin has the condition. I really like your style of writing despite the few mistakes and grammatical errors.
Youssouf Camara chapter 2 . 4/19/2008
oh, when i said "that section in the review", i meant the opening from the chapter to the scene in the library, but don't change too much of it
Youssouf Camara chapter 2 . 4/19/2008
Once again .. that was excellent. I even prefer it over the first chapter. so i'll go with the same scenario as my lat review

What i Liked:

I enjoyed how well your reference James Rachel tied in to the chapter ... usually this quote is replaced for a more generic criticism of humanity and your use of it makes the story that much more unique

I think what separates you from other writers is your use of research and detail to the basic constructs of literature. With a little fine tuning to your writing style, you could soon be putting editors out of business.

The conversation on philosophical egotism and altruism is inspiring to other writers and a gift to book critics like myself. Its finally nice to read something than a Hemingway or Pullman fake and read some intelligent book writing.

oh, and Ezra isn't an idiot. That's just really cool

Constructive Criticism:

1. It had too much action and quick dialog. I don't know if that part was just a quick attempt at showing some basic background and setting up a scenario, but you never want to make a section in such an awesome book that basic. That type of opening is benefit up until Ren leaves home ... then it becomes another J.K Rowling failure at exposition.

2. Ren's description of his mother seemed to contradict with his attitude and seemed out of place with the rest of the writing and his real lack of features with other characters. The lack of real analysis on other characters is probably a good thing as it sheds real emphasis on the main characters such as Ezra, but if Ren's mom isn't turning into a main character that should probably be reworked or eliminated altogether.

3. While, i loved the analysis on the psychology of egoism and altruism i think it ended badly. to be frank Ezra justification to asking out Ren doesn't fit the model of altruism as he truly isn't assisting Ren or giving up something of his for Ren' welfare or happiness. Maybe Ren should point this out subconsciously.

4. Maybe "swept her of her feet" could be sarcastic or something. I'm no editor, but i know a critic would enjoy it.

5. "I was not the target of much antagonistic remarks—at least not to my face—but sometimes they slipped from time to time" ... yea, i caught it, Get rid of the word "sometimes" its kinda repeatedly redundant

Well thats it. i give this chapter ... a 9.1 (would have been a 9.4 with a better opening, but still its a better rating than what i give most professional writers) You go talent, kid
Bobby chapter 1 . 4/14/2008
YO I know you will check this at school. so Happy BIrthday. and nice story.

\

I know this is mad ghetto but it is the only way to reach you
Youssouf Camara chapter 1 . 4/12/2008
just to make this more constuctive, i'll spilt up my likes and dislikes of the story

Firstly, i enjoyed the concept behind the story: a possibly gay genius young boy finds interest/love in a slightly older irritating college boy. Its unique and actually quite innovative. Also, the way the syntax changes to the author's mood and the process by which the transitions swift to rpresent the main character's thought process is ingenious. Finally, i enjoyed the structure for the most part... especially the ending.

Now for the constructive part:

You should be careful about the use of commas outside of dialog; despite trying to reference what the main character is feeling, commas should be used rational ... this is very minor mind you.

Next, the fact that Ren is good in math should display something about the way he thinks. His incredible comprehension in algebra usually means that he can logically to desconstruct things, however in the story, his thinking is closer to that of a analytic based highly on critique and the concept of intelligence, not analyzation and understanding.

The opening lead me to believe that his overuse of the word "university" would have some social or physcological ramification, but rather it makes Ren seem distant from modern times. If he was very settled in old traditions or use of language, this would be fine, but seeing as he is not ... it seems like a waste of an attempt to develop a character.

Ren's reference to conceptualization of education, his love of math, and his still truant belief in a god make him a very comlex character ... more should be done to exress his complexity.

His critique of the reason's his parents send him to university and his critique of Ezra Young conflict very much. Seeing as merely taking longer on a test warranted insult, maybe his reaction to doing what he did not want to should be more infuritated.

Why would a college student even have problem's with algebra ... maybe it should be statistics or advanced calculus

anyway thats all, best of luck on the rest of it

rating *8.6 out of 10
Gloria-Appiah-Kubi chapter 1 . 4/12/2008
I liked it! The immediate background introduction of the narrator was a good way to start. And the narrator's sarcasm was amusing. Good plot.
Tobyk947 chapter 1 . 4/12/2008
lol. it's cute.
Tezike chapter 1 . 4/12/2008
"You're a feisty little thing,huh?"

...awkward moment?

lol. it was worth the read.

...Feisty...