|Reviews for Heaven Forbid|
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 4 . 5/18/2008
Nice. This chapter was actually an improvement over the last one... (I guess you only suck when it comes to writing combat scenes...)
I do have to complain about Madeleine and Dee's unneccesary levels of perfection, though...
(But then again, they're angels, and they have some flaws...)
"Madeleine glanced around, “You don’t have ID although your gigantic rack might work in our favor.”"
That line struck me as odd, and a bit out of character as well...
Madeleine struck me as more of the prudish type...
(Case and point: "Without asking Dee dropped to her knees and grabbed the bottom of Madeleine’s skirt. She reached up under her shirt sleeve with her other hand and plucked out a miniature flat throwing knife. In one clean cut she slit down the side of the dress. She took the bottom up to mid-thigh level." and the verbal exchange that followed...)
And this brian guy? Strange that you added him in...
(Also, the girls are british? News to me...)
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 3 . 5/14/2008
That chapter was a disappointment. After the first two, I expected something better...
Let's start with dialogue:
“and whatever we’re walking on isn’t dirt because my powers won’t work.”
"Dee lowered her weapon and widened her stance, “Aw man,” she edged back placing a curled hand on her bottom lip. “It had to be a giant spider.”
Again, not realistic.
“This sword’s going to be useless,”
Need I repeat myself?
Okay, you get the idea...
"There drought of speech and Dee turned back towards them, " What was that supposed to mean?
I won't go overboard here, though...
Also, your fight scene was terrible. It was like a really bad RPG... only with suckier dialogue...
But your last line did bring about hope.
"“But where we’re going they don’t allow Humans, especially demon hunters…”"
This almost makes me want to read chapter 4... almost.
| shadesmaclean chapter 5 . 5/3/2008
Keep it up. Excellent pacing that maintains a sense of urgency without rushing it too much. Maddie and Dee make entertaining travel companions. Can't wait for the next chapter.
| shadesmaclean chapter 3 . 4/25/2008
Good stuff! Action to match the intrigue. To say nothing of doing an excellent job of portraying some spectacular fireworks without making it confusing. I'm really getting into this...
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 2 . 4/23/2008
Onar- Review Game.
Well, that was interesting...
I didn't really like the way you introduced Brandon, though...
One minute, he's "father Carlson" The next, he's "Brandon"... So odd...
Next, was his backstory. Can you say "Mary-sue"? He seems too perfect. He's likable, saintly, and the love interest for a main character? What's next?
And on the subject of love-interest... The scene where he pulls up Dee's skirt...
[I kinda liked that one...]
But it was too... expected. In hindsight, at least. It seems painfully obvious now that I look back. ANd what was with Dee passing out?
Angles can't have sex? Or is she some kind of freak?
Also, Dee's outfit was still VERY gothic. I don't think you should've stressed that point so much...
| Dowie chapter 2 . 4/22/2008
But anyway, there are a fair few small mistakes that slightly soil the piece (they're instead of their, repetition of perforated, etc...) but nothing that can't be be fixed with a quick once over.
In terms of content it flowed nicely and built up well, with a well drawn atmosphere in the house. All I can really fault is the odd typo, so very good work.
| shadesmaclean chapter 2 . 4/22/2008
In spite of its casual opening, the story moves forward at a good clip. Somehow you manage to combine two characters who approach even apocalyptic scenarios in an almost comically leisurely fashion, while keeping the plot itself moving along swiftly. Holds the promise of more fun to come.
| Rhea Garfield chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
Hello, reviewing as I read. I'll just put a few things on here.
"Anywhere a horse was taken in the middle of the city he attracted unnecessary attention." I think it's missing something - maybe just a commna; the switch to pronoun 'he' threw me off a little. May be the order of the words.
"...than one occasion, to advice Dee about..." Should be advise; advise is verb, advice is noun.
" Dee ran her hand across the top of the horses head softer this time, “But he’s having a great time out here,” Dee said with an induced squeaky tone, “He’s not going to ever want to go back, isn’t that right boy?” " You may want to reconsider some puncuation; it's all one big sentence. Some commas might be helpful too.
"He was combing his hair through his long white blonde tendrils as he moved." Are the tendrils his actual hair, or is he using some kind of unusual appendage?
In the part where Lucifer is licking Madeleine's neck (haha ew) and disappears, there's a following paragraph where he's reappeared, although there was never any indication of when he did. Adding something in to that effect might make it a little smoother.
Anyway, I think it just needs some close reading and thorough editing. I suggest the use of semicolons; I didn't see any, but I saw a lot of spots where they could be of use. Try reading it out loud. Beyond critique, I think it's really good. Very original. I like it a lot. Good job.
| shadesmaclean chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
Yo, it's me, Neko, from NF. Finally got a chance to read your new piece, and I must say you have a fun, amusing dynamic between Madeleine and Dee, their conversations are fun to follow. The story premise itself sounds promising, hinting at something more than the Cold War melodrama most "Heaven vs Hell" stories boil down to. Looking forward to seeing where this goes from here.
| Maddy chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
A few grammar slips here and there but overall a good story. It leaves you wanting to read more, which is always a sign of a good story, well done :)
| Heather chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
Hm, interesting concept.
I think it would be ironic if Famine was named Apples...
And the whole devil dressed in white kinda gives off a Constantine vibe...
but all in all, sounds like a promising story.
| Dowie chapter 1 . 4/18/2008
I liked it: it meander a little at the star and could have used a bit more setting but I realise that this is personal preference as I've been repeating it a lot. There are a few grammatical errors (such as confusion of "advice"-noun- with "advise"-verb-) but I'm going to pull back and look at this in a story related manner.
The inclusion of Lucifer is a dodgy one: I would be careful to make huge amounts of planning due to the nature of the character's name. Unless there is a myriad of plots he is weaving around himself I reckon the idea of Lucifer jus' walking up to the girls and asking for help belittles the hype surrounding him. 'Course you could be planning make this appearance of casual and direct weakness just a play in part of the whole ethereal game, whereas I would fully support this. Also the old gods carry heavy connotations of the Greek titans.
I feel wretched telling you what I think should come next in your story, as it is your story. This short elicits connotations of Good Omens by Pratchett and Gaiman-that strikes me as a good reference point. Also the movie Constantine to some extent.
It needs filled out slightly but it both held my attention and has left with a desire to read more: the two key things for any writer. Anything in between is just fussiness. Good work.
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 1 . 4/18/2008
Onar- Review game[depth]
Where should I begin? I guess it would be at the beginning...
It wasn't bad there, but a tad confusing. I couldn't tell who anyone was until the arrival of Lucifer.( And I thought the boy was named "Apples", at first...)
Who is the boy, anyway? I assume he is important, but you never really know... He seemed to dissappear after Satan showed up...
Also, really, up until that point, I had no idea of what was going on. I simply thought these were charitable people, perhaps even government agents... Then, out of nowhere, the Four horse-(wo)men of the apocalybse show up! I was surprised to say the least...
But it was a pleasant surprise, though...
And also, I enjoyed your mention of "Lillith" as well, but why change the name?
So in conclusion, I'd say that was pretty well done, and also, this quote was awesome:
"“Honey,” he started, “I knew this horse back before you or this hunk of rock you call a planet were even part of His divine plan.”"
Pretty much describes what I'd imagine Satan to be...
(Overall, This seems like a more... serious version of the movie Dogma...)
| Long Island Iced Tea chapter 1 . 4/18/2008