|Reviews for Jawdropper|
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 5/18/2008
The ending of this is really kinda funny... I like the whole piece though with the idea of writing the poem with the acknowledgment that you're trying to write the poem and the let me start over line. I like the format too with the parenthesis and italics and the stanza about the climax and double spacing the ending. Really great piece.
| Tytherpol chapter 1 . 5/4/2008
well, i actually think the piece is pretty cool.
it's definitely not flame-worthy-and yeah believe me, there is some definite flame worthy shit floating around here and such. but this isn't.
i like the sort of psuedo-personal tone of this that all your little injunctions..i guess it's what they'd be called ("Let me start over." , "(and here's the turn)" , "Here!").
sort of how most everything "jawdropping" is just designed for the glitz & glam. like a circus. even if you fully support (or don't know enough to care about) everything that goes on in it, you don't leave a circus with a sense of fullness or completion. you leave thinking "hey. that was cool and pretty and sparkly. i liked that one act. jawdropping shit /at the time/."
so such fabricated emotion really does leave your reader "uninspired"-but in the absolute coolest way possible. haha and the ending just stole it. i rly love those last four lines.
so uh what are some things that i had a personal problem with and i would have fixed if the piece were mine...
"I can't take away your breath, or fabricate the air.
But I can move the verse forward,
and leave you—
a jawdropping finale." -i /love/ the second line of this part. like a lot. but the other three lines sort of make me want to strangle something.
line 1-comma? come on. and if it's intentional, its purpose has gone over my mind (though if it is intentional (other than for rhythm purposes which don't count) then plz do tell me so b/c i'd love to be able to try and re-interpret it). the wording of this line is just really awkward. like, i appreciate the tired and exasperated tone it gives off. i think it's really cool. but idk i just don't like the line. and though i love the word fabricate, i don't like its clicheness in this sense.
i really do like the thoughts behind lines 3 & 4 (though it took me a while to appreciate them because the meaning behind them honestly didn't pop out to me until after i read it a couple of times).
haha i love your exclamation points. i really hate using them anywhere. i think they're really ugly. yeh i think i've used them in three out of all my poems. :) but i love them used when they're used sparingly and appropriately. so i like them here. they made me smile, if that counts for anything.
"But words fail, what these hands achieve.
(and here's the turn)" -uhm that comma is rly bad and distracting (in my opinion of course). and though i def appreciate the thought of hands in this piece, i don't think the sound of the word fits where it is, and i don't think you established the connection between (writing?) and hands well enough to keep the reader from being sort-of confused abt what your trying to relay to him.
i really don't know whether or not i like "and here's the turn." my negative feelings twd it might just be because its formatting is so dramatically different from even the other injunction-ish-things.
i think you could have made the transition that this stanza is supposed to create a little more (not smooth obviously b/c that would screw with the meaning but) ..readable? something like that.
i know this review is totally out-of-order. haha sorry about that. :) but i like the first three stanzas. they're relatable as hell and idk i just think they're cool. i like stanza two. you do a great job of making the speaker look geniune and desperate behind his/her assumed cool exterior.
i know someone like this who sits beside me in two of my four classes. i can't imagine, really, him crying, but i'm sure it's got to be something really cool and meaningful when he does. because his parents are these rediculously smart doctors with a million letters after their names, and they're pretty much forcing their life onto him. he says he likes it and is okay with being called stupid by them all the time. i mean, he laughs it off. but well.
so i guess that is why i like the poem. because it's not necessarily about romance love (i forgot the greek word for it). i feel this same haha don't laugh but "unrequitted" love or just incredible sense of inadequacy when i think about the earth or politics or history. i guess that's why most all my poetry is about them.
maybe you've changed it since the last reviewers? because i don't see any word in this that would require a dictionary.
actually, i think you used really effective sentence structure to give off your airy tone w/out using any rediculous words.
cool piece. ty.
| Lenners chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
Starting off with the very basics, no spelling mistakes or glaring grammar errors. But that's not what poetry is about, is it.. (just makes it more readable xD).
I love the "If the speckles of my tears/ could make up for the lack of diction,/ the flowing syntax," line, because you're using a lot of diction (awesome, there seems to be irony too!). Many sprinkles of irony here and there.
Aside from that, what are you trying to tell with this poem? That you can't write a poem? Haha, very funny :p The ending is kind of bland, I'm sorry to say that it didn't drop my jaw : O.
My suggestion: try writing a poem on a definite topic (ie. the.. clouds). I hope you didn't give this to any girls in particular; reading this might require the reader to have a dictionary at hand.
| Richard C. Mongler chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
I have no idea what you are talking about.
The beginning seems kind of whiny, and like you are trying to compensate for something.
| Lunar Advent chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
Read some Shakespeare, it would help. Currently loving Macbeth.
I'll put up some stuff later, but I am still planning out a story.