|Reviews for The Angel of Death|
| Narq chapter 1 . 7/27/2010
Woah, I got really ingrossed by this. It reminded me of a mexican cult I read about on National geographic, the only thing that let me down was the mention of vampire. IF it was something else, like a GOD, then it would be really cool!
Her dark hazel eyes narrowed, before she turned away
- becareful here, this is in her POV so she wouldnt' see her 'dark haze' eyes 'narrowing'.
I think I would've liked to see this fleshed out more. Like having a chapter seeing the 'wrongs' of the master to the slaves, the slaves mentioning the "angel of death" or praying to her... and then maybe after a terrible incident or something, she decides to take revenge? and I wonder what happens aftterwards?
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 7/19/2010
Ooh, I liked this a lot. It gave me shivers... :P
I liked Raven's character, and how she managed to get revenge on the plantation owner... The whole concept of this was really interesting. :D
One thing that I think is that I feel that you should maybe make the youngest son a bit more frightened and not so terribly naive. I think if you added a part where Raven tried to convince him that she was nice or whatever, it would have added some depth to the story. :)
Otherwise, I loved this. :) I really liked the ending because it was so chilling. I would have liked to read more about how the father suffered over the years, but it's just a thought. :P
Great job! :)
~Avid. Roadhouse. repaying reviews: 4/5. :)
| lianoid chapter 1 . 6/23/2010
Hmm, I felt this one could have used a little more description. I find that it moves a little too quickly for my liking, and it would have been nice to have smoother transitions from room to room. The characters didn’t feel as real to me as they could of. They felt more like pawns that were simply moving around. Please don’t take offence, you know I love your other work, so this is no reflection on your writing as a whole. I just think this piece lacked a little something else to spice it up a bit. I like the idea of revenge, but again it could have used a little more to it. The ending felt a bit rushed, and the man’s last words didn’t hit me like they could have. Overall this piece could use a bit of refining, but I think you have an interesting short here.
...a nursery, a kitchen down below…,
-Edit: Remove the comma at the end of the ellipses.
...pregnant with her 3rd child
-Edit: Change “3rd” to “third”.
"I've already killed your whole family you asshole, how would you like to see one of them enslaved?"
-Personal: I find her cussing here to be a little out of character. She just berated him for swearing in front of the child (mockingly, I know), but it just doesn’t seem to fit her.
Two of the youngest boys, thirteen and fifteen, ran the mile to only other plantation within a five mile radius...
-Edit: I think you want a “the” before “only”.
Other edits: You dialogue punctuation and tags need some heavy editing. Many of the dialogue tags begin with a capital letter; unless the sentence that comes after the dialogue is an action, and not a (he said, she said, et cetera), the first letter needs to be lowercased, even when the dialogue ends in a question or exclamation mark.
| LadyLuck123 chapter 1 . 1/6/2010
Whoa, this is really cool. I liked how you've set the scene, and how the vampire is doing a good thing by freeing the slaves, but then again, she just killed a whole family. I mean, it was kinda sad reading how the little boy killed his own mother and unborn sibling and very cruel of the vampire to make a little boy do it, but you've shown how revenge makes people cruel and I liked how you've got a right-wrong situation going on. Good job! I liked this!