|Reviews for Arista|
| Counting Petals chapter 1 . 8/27/2008
I thought you did a good job showing us things, like where they were and how they live. And I'm already starting to get a sense for Arista and Remus' characters, so that's good.
I was a little confused about Aristo, though. I don't think he's related to Arista, but you weren't very clear on how she met him. I interpreted it as they both lived on the streets, and she liked his work, so attached herself to him, but it was a little murky, so that's just my guess.
| E.D. Fiorentino chapter 1 . 8/27/2008
I can tell I'm really going to enjoy this :D
| TuneOut chapter 1 . 8/3/2008
Nice story, you were very descriptive.
| Indicates chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
You got some nice snarky characters, although they have really great manners for uhm, being homeless and fighting to survive in a world that doesn't really care for what they do. I also give my congrats from a writer to another writer; we need more writers like you in this world, heh.
| radioactive stanica chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
Wicked ! I love it. Thanks for the review.
| asklefjaeihog chapter 1 . 5/3/2008
Congratulatory Review Marathon review coming your way!
Oh, my. This was really good. The flow was incredible.
Hah. I just finished listening to "The Birth of Venus" by Sarah Dunant (seriously, like, this morning). This reminds me of it, because the protagonist is an artist at heart, but it's kind of frowned upon because she's a woman and whatnot. So, I like that Arista is pretending to be a boy (which, way to go for not pointing that out explicitly. That makes it so much more interesting).
I'm wanting to stick around for Chapter 2 now...
| A.S. Leer chapter 1 . 5/3/2008
RM review! (took me forever)
Characters- They're great, but I'm confused on why they say something about him being a man lover when Arista is a girl. My favorite, by the way, was Remus.
Dialogue: Okay, it's good. They speak rather eloquently for having been homeless all their lives. But it seems natural for the pair of them. And I wish you'd had more dialogue- well, had dialogue at all from Aristo.
Style- C'est tres bon (it's very good). I especially like how you write of Remus and his 'youthful frenzy' .
Enjoyment: I've enjoyed it so much that I'll now plea with you to write more, though it's a one shot. -insert plea here-
| C.M.F Wright chapter 1 . 4/28/2008
Congratulations, O Honourable third-place winner of the review marathon! Your prize review awaits you...
Excellent beginning. You instantly draw the readers in by starting in the middle of a conversation.
The dialogue between the rich man and Arista is easy to follow and feels very natural. Your level of description is just right – not enough to be overwhelming, but enough to paint a good picture of what is going on, especially with the back-story about Aristo. You also raise a lot of questions from the outset. I'm curious to learn why Arista is disguising herself as a boy, whether she is going to become apprenticed to the master of the art school, and why (aside from all the obvious references to Roman gods) this story is listed under "Mythology".
Nice character development - I got a pretty good sense of both Arista's and Remus' particular attributes from their interactions with one another. For the most part, you show us their character through dialogue (and Remus' hyperactivity) instead of stating it outright, which is excellent.
I've heard it's generally a good idea to give the first chapter a bit of a cliffhanger ending, but I think yours worked fine for your particular style of writing.
And now for some of the minor details (in no particular order, I'm afraid):
“You’ve never had a lesson?” (t)he man called in a strained voice - The dialogue should be incorporated into the sentence here, because you're describing what the man is calling out.
except that she was covered in layers of crust - crust? Did you mean dust? Or 'layers of crusted clay' would probably work as well.
“Can’t afford any.” (T)he urchin girl handled a piece of her work with nervous fingers and tried to will the rich man away. - The dialogue should not be a part of the following sentence here, since the dialogue and the sentence are two independent clauses. And again, here:
The girl sighed and smiled back at him.“Neither would I.”
“Nah.” The boy rolled a coin between his fingers and stared at the Emperor’s face on its surface.“He didn’t seem like a man lover to me.”
I really like the paragraph that starts, "Someone had taught her her own mischief – her art.." - it's beautifully written.
“Remus!” (s)he finally shouted, - The dialogue is part of the next sentence, because you are describing what she is shouting, so the "she" should not be capitalized. Same here:
"Maybe he wanted me to sleep with him,” (s)he muttered under her breath.
“There is no god of art.” – I could be wrong, but I thought Athena/Minerva was the patroness of the arts. Then again, since Minerva's a female name, Arista couldn't exactly use that either...
Overall, wonderful start. I will definitely be keeping an eye on this story. :)
| Esther Jade chapter 1 . 4/28/2008
Congratulations on your awesome performance in the Review Marathon.
Your writing style is quite engaging. It's easy to read and doesn't have many errors which is great. One thing that bothered me is that you switch between third person limited and third person omniscient quite a lot (I've pointed out one or two instances below). I think it builds more sympathy if you stick to limited but that's just my opinion.
I enjoyed the characters. Both of them seemed sympathetic though their ages were a little vague. Also, their dialogue and some of Arista's thinking sounds too educated. Even if Aristo was educated and she picked up some from him and Remus from her, I would still expect there to be more contrast between the way she speaks and the way the art teacher speaks.
The man called in a strained voice, though he stood three feet away from her - I don't quite understand why there's a "though" in this sentence. I would think the fact that she heard him when he was speaking in a strained voice would merit a "though" but as it stands...
the urchin girl handled a piece of her work with nervous fingers - This feels a bit omniscient whereas the rest sounds like it's in third-person limited.
to see him say - ? I think you mean "hear him say".
she hadn’t noticed the little boy poking his head around the corner of the wall at her back. - Again, this feels omniscient.
said if it was he who brought her into being. - This phrasing sounds a little too adult and a little too educated.
and the girl would pretend to fall asleep much earlier than usual. - I think this would read better if you replaced "the girl" with "she".
as he ran his fingers over the jagged scar that ran across his neck and chin. - I think those two "ran"s are two close to one another.
It gave her comfort knowing that she could bring him comfort - Rather than using it as a noun in both instances, why not rephrase it as "It comforted her knowing..."?
Aristo eventually did what all mortal men must do – he died - Again, sounds a bit too adult. Another thing is that my impression wasn't that he was that adult - maybe you could make that clearer...
| Mary Chrys chapter 1 . 4/24/2008
WINNER'S REVIEW FOR RM!
I like how you went back to talk about her past, because it gave her a more solid personality. However, I don't like the whole 'Ares' thing. Where did it even come from? It confused me, because Ares was a guy and Arista is a girl, and you just mentioned it and then it went away. It confused me. Otherwise, good!
| KnittingKneedle chapter 1 . 4/21/2008
Hullo, review game
Starting in the middle of speech is always a great way to grab the readers attention and because the dialogue flowed pretty well it was easy for me to read on.
I think the paragraph starting 'the man stared at her' could to with a bit of re-jiggering specifically 'They, however, looked healthy and were neatly groomed' should be swapped so the girls description is at the end, to make her stand out in the structure as well as in the way that she looks.
The characters are standing out quite nicely, though I'm still not entirely sure where the plot is going.
"The people who saw them every day, sick of calling her “Aristo’s girl”, ended up named her Arista, which was just an easier way of saying “Aristo’s girl”."
You don't really need that last part, it's a tad repetetive.
I don't usually read mythology, so I'm not going to pretend to be any kind of expert, this seemed well done and well excecuted- keep up the good work!
| DreamSweet chapter 1 . 4/21/2008
I was just trying to win a freebie review and then I saw that the person I was trying to win it off had written a story! So here I am reviewing.
I really like this idea, the characters of the young artist and the mischievous little boy offset each other well. One is fun to read about the other intriguing. I wonder what's going to happen with that man, the one who's coming back tomorrow.