|Reviews for Water|
| The Weatherwitch chapter 1 . 10/7/2011
oh dear :P
| C.M.F Wright chapter 1 . 4/28/2008
Your dialogue is, as usual, quite good. Nice use of local 'dialect' with the footman; you instantly establish him as Aurelie's servant, but at the same time, you make their relationship seem more complex. Their conversation is really interesting to read. I like how you keep a sense of mystery about Aurelie's problems, revealing just enough to lead the reader to keep reading but at the same time inserting emotion into the characters' interchanges, which really adds to the interest. Except... you never explain why Aurelie was so afraid of seeing Prince Emory. You hint at some kind of incident but never say outright what happened. Is it explained in your other stories? Am I missing something important? Or did you mean to keep it mysterious?
I love your characterisations. Aurelie and Kingsley are really well-defined - such a complicated father-daughter relationship there. I like the details - how you mention Kingsley looking in the mirror to see if his eyes are like Aurelie's for instance - it's cute and kind of bittersweet at the same time.
The writing flows well: just the right amount of description. You paint a beautiful picture with words; I can clearly envision Aurelie laughing at the waves and Kingsley cowering in a corner of the boat.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, aside from the confusion about Emory. However... I did think the ending was a little abrupt. Though that might have been because I was expecting to read about Emory's conversation with Aurelie in the garden... The thing is, I wasn't sure if you meant the last line to be shocking or not. I guess the fact that Emory has figured out the relationship between Kingsley and Aurelie is a little surprising, but since you drop a lot of hints that Kingsley is her father beforehand... it doesn't have quite the same impact as Lady, when we discover Anabella is pregnant. Just throwing that out there.
houses appearing a minor splotches of color against the unending expanse of foliage on either side. - I think you meant "as"
like little hunks of cloud pulled down from the ether and stretched taught to carry the wind. - "taut" makes more sense in this context; "taught" is the past tense of "teach"
Across the river’s mouth, still over a mile downstream, spanned the city of Margate, one of the greatest trading ports on the continent, and explained the presence of this fleet of sails on an otherwise calm and stately body of water. - This sentence feels a bit awkward; the clause beginning "and explained" doesn't quite seem to fit with the rest of it very well. Maybe you should split it up.
They hit another large wave, the bow went up and then down, the top of the wave practically soaking him while she was only misted. - This feels like two independent clauses smushed together.
Like a wet cat he huddled further down, shrinking away from the water while she (laughed), shaking drops from her hair.
| Esther Jade chapter 1 . 4/27/2008
I like the way you introduce the two main characters. Their reaction to the boat ride is such a lovely way to begin.
I like the way you describe the movement over the water; I could really picture it. However, some of the other descriptions, especially in the first paragraph are a bit too flowery, for my taste, anyway.
I like the way you create the suspense in the story. I was quite drawn in by it.
The ending, while not exactly matching what seemed like the main point of the story, was very amusing. I'd picked up the earlier allusion but hadn't thought much of it. Though it's not quite a twist in the tale, it a very fun finish. Gave me a smile ;)
houses appearing a minor splotches of color against the unending expanse of foliage on either side - I think you mean "houses appearing as..."
Across the river’s mouth, still over a mile downstream, spanned the city of Margate, one of the greatest trading ports on the continent, and explained the presence of this fleet of sails on an otherwise calm and stately body of water. - This sentence feels funny to me.