My dear Author, how do I love your little books. As I read Opal Fox, and fell in love with your style of writing, I noticed two things, how much I enjoyed Aura's strong spirit, and that I wasn't too keen on the rich gentry man *cough* prince *cough* getting the girl. To me, it felt as though Emory only viewed her as a challenge, which seemed the case at the beginning, although you portrayed his change of heart well. I still don't like him all that much. That's why I loved the little tidbits on James that you continued to give us in the story. Over and over, whenever Aura mentioned James, I had that small hope that maybe he would come into the picture and sweep Aura off her feet and carry her away into the night. When he came back into the picture, the reunion was perfect. I just wished so much, that it had not ended in such a way. It would have been perfect if they had kissed in this little short. It would have been much more intense in your book there had been a real struggle for Aura to choose, maybe a little more wooing on James part. And even to twist it, like say, she chooses Emory but on the morning they are supposed to get married, James and Aura run off together! Well, I don't know. I've always liked the bad boys so much more. When or if you ever choose to rewrite it for publishing I would love to see a little more between James and Aura, just a little more history, or even a kiss...

Okay, so loved the intense detail, many books lack that now a days. Love the character's descriptions, and... could go on... Over all, on all your books, it was entrancing! 3

T_T oh James... I think I just fell in love with a fictionpress character.

I really like how you have all this background stories on Opal Fox...i liked the slang in the second and third chapter more than the first, it seemed to be a little too much

I’m kind of cheating and doing this all in one go – but they’re quite short chapters and I got carried away, which is a good thing, so I’m hoping you’ll forgive me.

Firstly this is a really different style from your other works. I don’t know if that’s because Aura isn’t the central character or because the content is a lot more physically darker (actual physical violence rather than the magical kind) but I liked it. It seemed tighter somehow – although that maybe because it was a short story so had to move faster to get to the end.

It may have something do with the almost sinister content of the poem at the beginning as well. I’m presuming Aura writes it, which intrigues me about what was scratched out.

James’ character comes out really well too – although I expected him to be a bit more cocky and confident. Bizarrely I thought he’d be a bit more like Rolf although I’ve got no evidence behind that reasoning except that I thought he was the head of their group. He is quite young though and he does have the savy to play the political game with Charles at the end. (And the I may have references for you after all was brilliant).

It did seem odd that for a thief James had so much stuff to move with him when he left.

It was fun seeing Aura from the outside as well – you made her seem really young and fresh, but you could still see the woman she is growing into. The feistiness was still there, and the determination (pulling out the dagger) and comments about being able to see down the dress being the point of it.

The actual stabbing was brilliant as well – if I can say that without being too bloodthirsty – the falling bit a the beginning and the focussing on the aftermath rather than the gore.

As for the accents I think it’s good to have them to differentiate between classes, and the one you’ve come up with is different. Have you ever tried reading some of the dialogue out loud to see what it sounds like. It does sound a bit rude mechanical sometimes which takes the edge of the serious bits. That said I do like the way that James slips into it when he looses his temper with Aura: it’s fun to see how much she effects him.

The weight on the last words they said to each other was good too.

It also raises some interesting questions about James and whether he is still in Charles’ pocket or not. Hmm. Or how James feels about it? He’s had a long time to stew.

In true suspicious style I’ve also been thinking about something that you said about the assassin in the Opal Fox and how it might not be an accident that his attacks on the royal family never succeeded. Could it be that they aren’t actually the real focus of the nefarius plot at all? Or am I being paranoid?

this i would not rate as an k-k story i would rate it something like t

Excellent chapter! Dielle is such an awesome character. Scary, but a good guy underneath it all, and he seems to really love his daughters. It makes for a fun read. His sending James away was an interesting twist, and the line “I think I might have references for you after all, Mr. Wright" was perfectly unexpected - and perfect.

I really have no criticisms to make about this chapter. I thought the flow and characterizations were excellent, and we unraveled the mystery about why Aurelie was in town to begin with. My only complaint is... complete? I definitely wasn't expecting it to end there. You should continue the story... and give poor James a happy ending! _

I'm also a little unclear about the politics of your world. You make a lot of references to royalists, etc, but (and maybe I'm just slow about this kind of thing) it sounds like there's a lot of unrest, but I don't really have a good sense of what's causing that unrest. An evil/bad ruler? Am I missing something really obvious? (I do that a lot).

Minor details:

“Were, were friends.” – Is he stuttering here? If so... I think the two 'were's should be joined by a dash instead of a comma

This, change of heart.” – I think the comma would work better as an ellipsis

He knew Sir Charles’ look(;) it was one he himself had turned on men who were too forward with Aurelie and that he had once used on the ne’er-do-well that had taken to hanging around his landlady’s daughter.

Reading the last chapter made me think Aurelie was a goner, so it kind of threw me that she survived (but definitely in a good way!) Love the interaction between James and Aurelie. I like how she continues to argue even though she's hurt; it's cute. I also liked the light humor ("I just hope you won’t be the next in line for a patch job") – it helps break up the angst really well. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Great story! I love how you introduced the characters. It was very subtle, and we received information when we needed it; I appreciate when a writer doesn't take the route of piling the characters age, description, home town, medical history, and/or breakfast preferences all in one big block of text called chapter one.

Not sure I like the accents. I like how the affect you were trying to convey with the feelings of inferiority that James feels, but the slang and apostrophes are very distracting. The only suggestion I have is to describe the way they are talking, instead of typing the dialog that way.

Great job!

You were definitely right to put this in the drama section. It's only the first chapter and already there's been an argument between lovers and a fight where knives have been drawn.

Not that I don't like how this story moves. I like how you're getting on with the story line instead of straight-off just using the first seven paragraphs to introduce the haracters and their backgrounds, instead explaining it bit by bit throughout the chapter. Of course, now I'm going to have to read more to learn more about the characters and how they came to be in this dramatic predicament...

As for the accents, I have two views of them. One, they give the story and the world it's in a solid feel. After all, it would seem less fantasy-like if they all sounded the same as us. However, I must say it's kinda of, well, almost amusing to read these strange accents during a fight, which didn't go well with the mood it was trying to portray.

Other than that, I'm really interested to see where this is going. You called James a thief, and I have a feeling this Max is his former partner in crime. Beautiful poem at the beginning, by the way.

Great story so far.

Fractured Illusion told me to give her freebie review to you, so here you go!

Wow, I can see why Frac directed me to your work. This was very beautifully written. Your descriptions are lovely, and you didn't add too much or too little. I think you did pretty well with the accents. Nastly little buggers, huh? I'm really fed up with the Cockney accents in one of my stories :p Anyway, I got a good sense of what their accents sounded like and it wasn't too difficult to read, so good job! Towards the beginning, you had a sentence "Fifteen and falling, falling down before him..." This style was very different than the rest of the story. Personally, I enjoy reading shorter oneshots written in this style, but it seemed a bit out of place in this story. It kind of broke the flow, created a new one, then broke that one off and reverted to the old one, if that makes any sense. That's my only objection, though. I really enjoyed reading this :D

Yay - another Dielle story!

I can see when I’m not wanted(,) James Wright.

The accents make the dialogue a little difficult to read, but I think you do a pretty good job overall. Accents are hard to write (not to mention MW hates them). I like how you switched back and forth between their accents; not only does it help develop their personalities, it also gives us a bit of a break. It would be overwhelming if the _whole_ conversation was street-slang, but the way you have it works nicely.

Fifteen and falling, falling down before him, the dress' ruffles spreading, crimson, through the air, dark hair trailing ivy-like tendrils. - Beautiful!

James seems a little old for seventeen, but maybe that's just me...

Do you ever explain how Aurelie and James know one another? Maybe I just missed it, but it seems a little strange that her father would let his daughter, a noble lady, consort with the lower classes. Also, I think it might help if you added a little more background about why Max is trying to kill him. I got the impression that James abandoned Max, but I was having a hard time figuring out what had occurred, mostly because I know very, very little about James and his occupation. Right now I'm guessing a thief or part of a gang... but...

Sorry! I don't mean to sound overly critical. I absolutely love your description, and as always, I get an instant feel for your characters through your writing. Overall, I really enjoyed this, as I do all your pieces. The last line especially: perfect.