|Reviews for Make it Rain|
| RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 10/7/2008
Lovely! Truly, this is a lovely sentiment. I like you you manage to suggest that things have gone a bit wrong for the persona - maybe a lost love, maybe money troubles, something ordinary but wrong - without dragging the story down with specifications.
I think this was my favorite line: "I wanted to be five again – because life was so much easier when boys had cooties." So true, so true.
Two technical things I want to mention, to help you make the piece better. First off, fictionpress decided to get annoying on you and double-copy your first line. It does that sometimes. It looks really silly and only takes a moment to fix, so if I were you, I'd fix it. After all, it's the very first thing a reader will see!
Secondly, you had some 'whether' trouble here: "I wanted my hardest decision to be wether or not I wore my hair in braids, wether or not I played with that kid over there, whether or not to use pink crayon." Go back and add the 'h' into each of them, please.
And thirdly, less obviously, take a look at this line: "Yet that wasn’t there anymore, but those missed opportunities still were." There's nothing grammatically incorrect with this line, but stylistically, are you sure you want to use a "yet" AND a "but" in two parts of the same sentence? They tend to sort of cancel each other out. If I were you, I'd rewrite the sentence and drop one or the other. It'll sound smoother.
| Cniht-Autor chapter 1 . 5/2/2008
Jumping in puddles is fun, isn't it? :)
One of the hardest things about writing is to get an idea what to write about, to find a way to make things interesting. I love to read stories where writers narrate simple things that really do mean a lot, because those stories require either a lot of thinking or a lot of honesty-something a lot of people don't have.
I liked your story.
If I had to critique it, I could say that it's a little stiff in sentence structure in the first two paragraphs, or that you used "wether" instead of "whether" the first two times in your eighth paragraph. I could, but I won't. I didn't think it took away much from a young author's work. (
| her name is jem chapter 1 . 5/2/2008
i love it. it was very well written. i can so relate to it. and it made me smile.