|Reviews for My Vindictive Conscience|
| Mahone-chic-89 chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
you are really talented! And I'm not just saying that!
Your work is all fresh and original,a breath of clean, fresh air! It's nice to find an author with original ideas.
I can relate to this one too! I love how you wrote it, even its shape is nice! :)
Once again, the only bad thing i can say is i wanna read more! :):):):)
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 6/1/2008
My main issue with this poem is its length. Right now it's quite long but at the same time, it doesn't need to be. You've got a lot of excessive wording that isn't necessary and bogs down the poem. For example the first five lines could easily be (with some tweaking):
My inner conscience is vindictive,
tricking me into self-doubt with juvenile tactics.
At night I am plagued by toxic thoughts,
as my conscience disrupts my sleep
and I struggle with constant insomnia.
Even though I've removed a number of words and even whole phrases, it still says the same thing.
I'd also recommend not using more than one adjective or adverb if you have to use any at all (the more specific your nouns/verbs the better). Phrases like "nagging, squeaky" can be cut down to "nagging" as the squeaky doesn't really add anything. You often don't need an adverb either, try to avoid them where possible as you use quite a few and it feels like you're telling more than showing. The whole show vs. tell is an important thing in poetry, you should always be showing your story instead of flat out telling it.
I'd also recommend breaking this up into stanzas to separate out the tangents of the poem and give your reader a breather.
Last note - you use "it's" twice and both times it is incorrect. This is because they should be "its" as they are possessive. Any time you use "it's" you're really saying "it is".
All this said, it's not a bad piece. It just needs to be more succinct or your readers will get a little bored. Look at cutting down the phrasing and see what you can come up with in an edit.