|Reviews for Choosing Packs: Torn Loyalties|
| Abrasive chapter 3 . 7/13/2010
These first chapters are a bit of a mess. You need to pay a lot more attention to detail. Merely telling the reader how terrible Kevin is from the POV of Jenny breaks the show-don't-tell rule. Instead, maybe the scene could include Kevin and Jenny's mother telling her about their upcoming nuptials over dinner and Kevin putting his hand on Jenny's thigh underneath the table. That would demonstrate Kevin's character and allow the reader a better chance to empathise with Jenny's hatred of him and her reason for leaving rather than forcing us to take Jenny at her word.
Furthermore, the scene in which Jenny learns she has become a werewolf was slightly confusing - initially I had no idea if she was dreaming about being a wolf, hunting, so you need to make a clearr distinction. Also, although her disbelief was good to begin with, she seems to accept it all a little too quickly. Jenny also seems a little too comfortable with the pack a little too quickly. Realistically, she's been forced into hiding by three strange men who could do anything they want to her - possibly rape her - and yet she's barely afraid. It would have been nice for her to hold out a little longer.
I'm not going to read the rest: stories which revolve around one female and a dozen males strike me as narcissistic, but it was an okay attempt to begin with.
| Stormwalker chapter 4 . 5/27/2010
First of all I enjoyed this story, but it reminded me of something, intil it hit me. This story is nearly a perfect copy of the book Bitten by Kelly Armstrong. I know this because I've read the book 8 times, so the fact that I was re-reading it again hit me like a ton of bricks. The only difference being the names of everyone and a little bit of the setting.
| Devil-of-Heaven chapter 2 . 5/15/2010
I love the story so far. Great beginning, I love how Jenny isn't freaking out like people do in most stories. Oh and I think you meant to say less that 30 wolves in the USA instead of 300...Still love the story though
| NovelS chapter 2 . 2/5/2010
I love the story, but at one point it says:
"Overall, there's probably about fifty of us in every state."
"So there's less than three-hundred werewolves in the United States?" He nodded.
There would be wayy more than 300 if there were 50 in every state.
| Hales chapter 19 . 12/5/2009
Wow, i have to say, this is one of my first fictionpress stories ive read (i read more fanficiton) and i really like it. Me and my friend really like supernatural stuff, like witches and werewoves and vampire (un-Twilight!) and she told me this was really good and that i should read it...and she was right-it is good. really good.
PS: you have SUCH good writing!
| ThePureAndSimpleTruth chapter 18 . 9/25/2009
I am so sad! I loved Kyle, even though he might have turned a bit crazy. I know you had to help establish her as alpha with his death...but now I mourn him! :( I thought it was a great story, and I'm getting to read the next...I'm rooting for Jeremy!
| BlackTreaderWolf chapter 1 . 8/7/2009
| saturninesinner chapter 2 . 6/15/2009
Good story! I'm sort of shocked at how easily she believes that she's a werewolf.
| Paws4Suze chapter 18 . 6/13/2009
MY HOLY PICKLE! I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH! Hehehe. I'm so glad that you already have a sequel out! Can't wait until I read that. Until then! GREAT JOB WITH THIS STORY!
Although I happened to find a few mispellings here and there, it's not to much though!
Keep up the great work, and good luck with future projects!
| JESS chapter 7 . 2/20/2009
Damn you really suck you know that could u have made that poor girl any weaker? damn why don't u focus on giving the poor thing a backbone for once in the whole damn story
| ZombieDragon chapter 18 . 1/7/2009
This is an amazing story. I love it.
| DeidaraRocks88 chapter 18 . 11/24/2008
That was a GREAT story. I really enjoyed reading it! I'll be sure to read more of your stories. They are really detailed and well-written! Keep up the great work!
| Maychelle chapter 19 . 11/20/2008
my gosh! i loved your story! i couldn't let it go, i just had to finish it. hope you have other stories too! i'd love to read more.
| Lynn-Night chapter 18 . 8/3/2008
I loved this story! It was awesome and very interesting to read.
I will now move on to the sequel. :D
| Raikimi chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
If I may be so bold as to provide some feedback:
Firstly, the thing I kept thinking as I read through these chapters was "Woah, too fast." You could have -easily- stretched this into a much longer, and I think fuller, story. Everything happens way too fast. She's bit, she wakes up, she's suddenly in a pack. Then she's suddenly gone, a year passes, she comes back and kills her old leader? Seems like something that could have been divided into a trilody, had it been published.
Some things also don't seem very realistic to me. I feel that Jenny accepts her wolfism way too fast, even for someone with an open mind. There's never even any mention of her mother, or homesickness or anything, after she's bitten. Real people would take time to cope, and they'd feel remorse, and maybe flip-flop about thinking about going back.
Some of the conversations aren't nescessary; there seems to be little bits and pieces of page filler.
And the clear liquid thing - it seems awfully familiar to Laurell K. Hamilton's method, which you may or may not have read. I'm not citing plagerism (which I can't spell, apparently -.-) and Laurell doesn't own the gooey-shifts, obviously, but some other people might notice the similarity and call you on it.
However, I do think that you're characters evolve enough to be satisfactory. While it only takes Jenny a year to be an alpha, there is a stark difference between who she started as and who she is now. I think the point of any story is character developement, and you accomplished this rather well.
I also like your first person style. It's detailed, and has the sort of mental-commentary type thing that I feel like Im actually listening to Jenny's thoughts.
I also like that chapter with the journal entries. That was unique, unexpected, and very well done.
Over all, good stuff. Just maybe work on expansion, if you have the patience. (I know I don't on occasion. Sometimes I just want to get it out there!)