Reviews for Bunraku Seirei: Adrianna Fractured
N.J Robinson chapter 2 . 6/10/2008
I really like this, play is it? It is interesting and I really like Sage. Maybe I'm just a sucker for villains, but he is amusing to all hell. Your dialogue is very convincing and believable too. My only critique is that Cacil seems to be bipolar or something. I mean in the first part she seems mean and spoiled and in the second part she's a little inconsistent, reminding more of a giddy blond schoolgirl. I don't know if it's just me, but she almost seems like two people instead of just one person. Maybe you can add a little more punch in Cacil's dialogue, follow through with her character, things will flow better than they already do.

All in all I love this story/play and I can't wait for the next part.
AlexSanguine chapter 2 . 6/9/2008
You must continue with this! It's so cute! I adore Sorrel...he reminds me of someone I once knew...

Again, I love the things they say and Cacil really humors me. I don't like Sage...he's mean...but it's amusing how Cacil doesn't really care about the ring. She'd rather fix Sorrel's glasses! how sweet!

More! Before I start twitching and having a seizure with all this waiting... I want to know what hapens...

oh,and sorry for spelling Ciane's name wrong on the other story I reviewed. XD Evil typos always find their way with me...
AlexSanguine chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
What is this? twelve reviews? COME ON!

I didn't expect this to be written out in script...but that didn't stop me from reading. I love the lines...particularly this part-

BURKHARD

Ah, I see. An old man, you are!

-

SORREL

Sir...we’re the same age...

Brilliant. And the young girl saying he's pretty. She's a little spoiled ain't she? Highly amusing. The dialog and even the simple movements you describe them doing is all taken in and I can see it just as it happens in my mind's eye!

I just have to keep reading this...off to the next chapter!
Harmonic Discord chapter 2 . 6/8/2008
Review game!

I love the banter between Burkhard and Sage. "If I still had a heart." - that line made me grin. Your style reminds me a lot of Oscar Wilde in some ways - it's very amusing and fun to read. Even though I'm kind of leaping in in the middle, I'm getting a good sense of the characters and personalities from this chapter.

My one criticism is... the ending seems a little abrupt. Maybe because it's been awhile since I've read a play - it just struck me as a slightly odd note to end on.

Overall, though, wonderful job - a very enjoyable read! I'm definitely going to go and read chapter 1 now...
Hammer83 chapter 2 . 6/8/2008
Definitely an interesting read, I'm not a particular fan of this style of writing, but you have gone some way to repairing the damage done by poorly written pieces.

Your style is quite engaging, perhaps a little more detail on scenery wouldn't go a miss however that is probably just a style thing.

Descriptions and dialogue are top notch, all in all a very well written piece

Stoo
A-Q-K chapter 2 . 6/8/2008
thats an interesting set up for a story, and its strangely effective, at least more so than I thought it would be. at first I was confused but that just because I've not seen or read something in this type of format in a long while not since my time at anyway... (*winces* that reminds me I need to finish deleting everything on my account there, thanks for reminding me)but yeah, I like it. Dialog was always my favorite parts of stories
Anastasia Ambrose chapter 2 . 6/7/2008
(Review Game)

Another very good chapter. The interaction between Sage and Cacil is interesting, but Cacil seems a bit different in this chapter. She seems...more dumb, and gives off less of a quixotic girl than just an unrealistic girl. Or...too realisitc? She seems somewhat excessively foolish, or foolhardy, but that may just be the contrast to Sage.

Quality chapter, though. I especially liked the beginning interaction between Sage and Burkhard-probably the best on in the play so far. Very good imagery in that one too-simplistic but I totally get it.

Awesome job D
Anastasia Ambrose chapter 1 . 6/7/2008
Review Game:

Very well written for a play. I'm not quite sure what the scenery should look like, but I guess thats probably up to my imagination. At any rate, I really like where this is going so far. Your characters are both original and complex and encapsulate many aspects of real human interaction-a surprisingly uncommon feat. I enjoyed reading this very much-even more than I expected to.

Initially the beginning threw me off, and I still don't quite understand, but the story improved exponentially near the end. Cant wait to read chapter two.
Mahone-chic-89 chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
this is great! (i'm not reviewing for the review game btw...i already reviewed all ur novicus chapters).

I like the format especially. It's easy and clear to read and follow. Good work!

L
Radyn chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
plays or scripts are hard to judge because they inherently depend on more than just the strength of the writing. that said, you should work on your dialogue because as of now it's the only way to really draw in your reader. specifically, sorrel seems too generic to really be the protagonist of this story. he's merely reacting to the other characters, he's not yet established an identity.
Tetelestai chapter 1 . 5/20/2008
This is very well written! The beginning, in particular, was extremely hooking and the description so well written I could see the man being burned - mouth open and tears in his eyes.

I also liked how you introduced the other characters, Sorrel in particular. Is he the father of the little boy?

Very interesting read, keep writing!
Eyelyo chapter 1 . 5/18/2008
I really enjoyed this, especially the character of Cacil, with her manipulative behavior and brutal honesty. The interaction between she and Sorrel seemed a little awkward at some points, but that awkwardness worked in the context of the scene. My only complaint is that I have no idea what's going on at the beginning, why people are being burned. Perhaps this was addressed somewhere else? Or will be addressed in a following episode?

Anyway, I liked this and look forward to reading more of your work.
Shelly McCoy chapter 1 . 5/18/2008
I love the way you begin this, it is a real shock and an insight into the world you have created, full of people who burn others at the stake. I really wasn't expecting that.

Also, your characters are beautifully developed, even now in the early stages. I especially love the father, who is humorous in his almost obliviousness.

The only one who I would urge you to maybe expand upon is Cacil. Between her spoiled personality and the different colored eyes, she seems a bit less lifelike than the others.

In the beginning, like I said in a way, you hooked me. However, throughout the rest it sort of "unhooked" me, the way it fell out so quickly. I would have liked a longer conversation with the father to get a better understanding of both men.

One of the other things that I do not quite understand is why Sorrel addresses Burkhard and his wife as nomu-Burkhard and noma-Engel. I suppose that ties into the world in which they live, but more clues as to both where they are and why would be helpful.

Overall, well done.
Equilibrium chapter 1 . 5/18/2008
I've never read a play (or anything remotely like one) before, but this one certainly makes a great first impression. I loved it even though it, being a play, has less descriptions than Novicus. I guess it's because your use of dialogue really captures the essence of your characters. I particularly like Sorrel and Cacil. One thing I could suggest, though, is making the distinction between the descriptions/actions and dialogue a little more clear (perhaps by adding brackets around the former or inverted commas around the latter).
N.J Robinson chapter 1 . 5/17/2008
I like this "episode" if that's what it is. Though, it seems rather short if it were to appear on TV. I do, however, like the characters. Cacil especially. Except for the part were she walks in at a random moment just to tell Sorrel that he isn't handsome. It seemed a bit like a filler because you didn't plan a more effective way to introduce Cacil. I suggest playing with that area a little bit, maybe just figuring out a smoother was of bringing Cacil into the scene.

The dialogue is very interesting. It is written very well and makes it easy to picture the characters actually talking to one another. Well done, I look forward to reading the next episode.