|Reviews for Blind Sight|
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 12/13/2008
Aw man, I did it again. I accidentally favorited your story. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Bartimaeus- The name reminds me of the character Bartimaeus, a genie, from the trilogy aptly named after the character.
I'm trying to discern whether or not Bartimaeus is simply schizophrenic, or it's the 'supernatural' aspect.
Warlock, huh. I'm assuming the voices are spirits now.
like she knew she should.?
Typo there, just one punctuation.
'The voice hung up the phone and smiled, reclining back in the chair in preparation for the switch-off.'
He smiled, I think?
This'll be my first Review Game review.
Well, I have a number of things I liked. For example, there was great visual details, like this part, just because it's the most recent: 'It might have been a grayish blur streaked with oiled-down blue.' I was kinda imagining CGI effects, or some sort.
You had a good mix of dialogue, while balancing it with details and narrative.
The characters are definitely interesting, particularly Bartimaeus, though there's an air of something mysterious (as pointed out by Bartimaeus himself) about Raleigh. It was realistic, from how you described her actions while being blind.
Something I didn't like as much... well, I pointed out two typoes, but also... Well, I spotted another typo:'"Buggar..."' I think you mean bugger. You seem to overload on describing words and adverbs, not into the point of purple prose, but there are places where you overdo it.
I'd continue reading, but I need some sleep to get more clear-headed. Interesting start, and I particularly liked the characters!
| Shene Tipa chapter 2 . 11/13/2008
it is really origional, well written and captivating good job!
(i am a little ADD right now and am having trouble reading long things so i am sorry)
one thing though, you might want to try to make the story flow a bit better by cutting out some "he said..." "_ told him..." etc. that usually helps the flow a lot!
great job, and keep writing!
| Air Rey chapter 4 . 11/11/2008
This is one interesting piece of prose. I read Chapter 4. Based from what I read, you were able to establish your plot and characterization. I will read the previous chapters for you got me interested with this. Consistency is one of the strongest points of this story. Some works of similar genre and length lose their point of view when they reach the latter part of their story. Your work on the other hand keeps its footing on the same premise that you are working on.
I'll read this from the beginning. (Sorry for not reading the first chapters and reviewing the fourth chapter.) I'll send you a message on how I find the other parts.
In general, this is a good piece of work. Good job! :)
| Kinderwhore chapter 1 . 11/11/2008
I really like your characterization of Bartimaeus, from your brief but detailed description at the chapter's opening to the little voice in his head. That and you had him playing solitaire whilst, ah, "working"- who hasn't done that?
Something I'd suggest you watch out for are your use of adverbs. Generally you handle them quite well, but every now and again you sometimes overdo them. Here's an example:
“Mmhm,” the voice obviously replied sarcastically.
This line might work better rewritten as,
"Mmhm," the voice replied, obviously sarcastic.
Try not to use more than one adverb for a single noun.
But other than that, I have no complaint. Good work!
| Shelly McCoy chapter 2 . 9/5/2008
Wow. Very nice.
I didn't exactly know everything that was going on since your post at the Review Game said anything but Chapter 1 and I really wanted to read this one, but I love your writing style and the conversations between Bartimaeus and the voices.
The only part that I really found unclear was the first paragraph. I didn't know if the dogs were with her on this walk and with the cane, but I s'pose that I'll go back later and read the first chapter so that I actually can critique this part. The other parts didn't seem to be as affected.
Very nicely done! (:
| groovi-gal-numba1 chapter 3 . 7/4/2008
yet another good chapter!
i know i've already said this, but i still love your style - its easy and fun the read. but still, i think maybe your need to put in a couple more complex sentances - you know, advance your writing a bit, yes?
the voice is annoying me - i think the coloquial dialouge doesn't fit. idk. maybe try to adcance that as well.
you know that i love the story line! no problems at all there!
the demon (ahem 1/2 demon) is AWESOME. very clever :P
| AMM3485 chapter 4 . 7/3/2008
Great job! I love the plot and the direction that the story is going in. I can't wait until you update again!
| AMM3485 chapter 1 . 7/3/2008
I love it so far, I'll review again after I read the whole thing, but it's really great so far. Nice job with Bartimaeus. His voice is hilarious.
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 4 . 7/3/2008
Lots revealed in the last two chapters.
Rhal can see through her dogs, eh? Interesting turn of events. I'm looking forward to see where this is going, but the romance aspect seems a little too obvious for my tastes.
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 3 . 7/3/2008
That was most certaintly unexpected. The voice is a good demon, I figured that much, but a half-demon attack? Woah.
And why would the voice suggest hiding with Rahleigh? Seems like you're pushing this romance along way too fast. Or perhaps the voice is. He knows something...
| Renay Evelyn chapter 1 . 6/28/2008
Wow! What a captivating story. I've read chapter one and I am hooked, unfortunately I don't have time to read the second chapter as of tonight, but I can assure you that I'm putting my book down to read this story and it is going to my favorite stories list. I love your writing style, and your carachters are original and likeable. Very impressed :)
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 2 . 6/26/2008
This is getting really interesting. But there were a few continuity errors...
At hte beginning of the chapter, you mention Rahleigh not getting home that night. How did she get the new cane then? Thought that was a bit odd. Then, at the end, Barty was wearing a sweater, but immediatley before it, he had his magic show, and was wearing a tux. And then there wer a few other errors that were just plain odd:
"“I’m not going to say this again,” the voice sighed, “but you really shouldn’t do this.” Bartimaeus replied, so sure that nothing could go wrong.
“Quit worrying, it’ll be fine,” Bartimaeus replied, so sure that nothing could go wrong." You see the problem, right?
But overall, I'd say that this was pretty good, I'm definitley going to try to keep up with you on this one.
| groovi-gal-numba1 chapter 2 . 6/24/2008
Wow i didn't think barty would be a murderor! woahI like how you've spelt the words how frank says them to communicate his accent
I like how you use the misspelling of certain words to emphasis Frank's accent
I think you need to reword some sentances, as sometimes they communicate things they shouldn't or sound like something else. HAve a read through your story and try to see what i mean.
You need to add italics into alot of things
But overall theres less errors than chapter 1! SO GOOD WORK
the story is getting darker and more interesting! i read this chapter alot more quickly! good work!
| Katenheimer chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
Great story! The details are great, and I love the characterization of Bartimaeus. One thing that didn't make sense to me:
"I wouldn't bring them in here if they weren't," she replied curtly after her short moment of thought,. "The first one is seeing-eye, and the second one is my guard."
If they weren't what? Considering the sentences above that, it doesn't make sense to me.
| Madame Y chapter 4 . 6/15/2008
From the review game:
Good writing! I like how you manage to convey suspense (through flashes, switches in perspective, etc.) without being wordy. It makes the reader read on.
Also, there's a charming irony to the chinese-take-out "dinner" between Bartimaeus and Rahleigh. It reminds me of the movie "Pulp Fiction" - watch it, you might know what I mean. Are B. and R. rivals? I'll have to check that out.
Overall, keep up the great work! If I can critique anything, it might be watch out for typos and grammars (see other reviews).