|Reviews for igpe atinle|
| Mourning Sickness chapter 1 . 6/5/2008
Very well written, and I liked the style experiment.
Describing the paper as atom-thin was a very nice touch.
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 5/27/2008
I'm not as "authoritative" as the poet herself but I've read a lot of . . and I can see that a large part of this experiment is in regards to her masterful use of enjambment.
First thing with enjambment - try not to end the line on words like "is", "the" or little words like that. Enjambment works best when you can read the first line and it has its own meaning but then you finish the phrase on the next line and the meaning is twofold. With all this in mind I have a few suggestions for tweaking your line breaks.
Line two is the iffiest of them all - this is just a suggestion as to what I'd do:
double helixes and concentric circles
mean nothing to the artist’s
half-baked psychotic [this line needs a bit of expansion though]
Then the break between lines five and six is a little weak too. Think about moving the "from" to the next line. Thus we get the image of flowing first then we get the idea of it coming from somewhere - like I said earlier, twofold meaning.
I dislike the next break as well but I think you should reword the phrasing, perhaps break it up with a bit of punctuation instead of just moving the words around.
Other line breaks that could be tweaked - Break between 7/8, 11/12, 14/15.
Now, on to other bits of the poem. I don't really know about the last sentence - it's almost too brutal after a much more eloquent piece. It could work as a cold twist but I don't think it is at the moment.
I'm not sure about "everything" on line four either, it seems too vague (especially in conjunction with the "that never meant anything"). It doesn't have to be so specific but something more vivid would help that sentence a lot.
There is a great flow and rhythm to this piece though. Just be wary of those line breaks and of keeping the lines fairly even (which might be why line two sticks out so much).
I do like the way you organize the thoughts and the ideas of this piece as well as the phrasing - it does read well. It seems very logical, moving from the basic ideas down to the technicalities. It's a good topic to write on.
My last bit on concrit is to do with "the/descriptions are too wordy and the plot/simply won’t do." It seems too simplistic and blunt after the more vivid descriptions that precede it. Perhaps isolating the two parts into two separate sentences and expanding slightly would pull up the imagery.
Otherwise, like I said before, a good topic and you've worked well to write in the same style.
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 5/24/2008
Okay, first off, I am totally flattered. This is the second time someone has told me they've written something in my style. That just blows me away, that someone would want to write the way I do. So thank you for that. :) I do like it. I can see how you drew your inspiration from my poetry (heh, mechanical pencils, nice), especially with the linebreaks. I'd still watch out a little on those, though - I had a professor tell me never to end a line with "the," because it's just a cop-out. End it on an interesting and provoking word, something that carries you into the next line, and I like to break lines where there's tension, where the meaning of the first line is changed by the first word or first few words in the second line. One that I really like is in Fortune Teller, between the 5th and 6th lines. I think you'll see what I mean. Anyway. I hope this isn't a reflection of how you think of yourself. I know I can get frustrated at times when I'm not writing, and then I go read some of my subscriptions on MySpace or come here and see stuff that's just, in my opinion, so much better than my own. It can be disheartening. But you have to remember that we all have our own styles and we can all be writers. If you have the drive and the want to create more, you can do it. Keep writing! :)
| Julius Gillian chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
Way to come out of your comfort zone, alls been said by your previous reviewers so I'll just say it was very cool. I loved how you blended scientific words with emotional packed words, it served a very powerful message in your poem here. It looks like you're getting different reviewers than your regular ones, that must make you happy. I hope . . reviews this piece for herself when she finds it, or why not grab her attention? Maybe I should for you? ;)
I loved the last few lines: face it honey, your poetry sucks and no one *perfect break here* gives a damn. pow. slam. burn. hehe really good.
I'd write in your style but I think I've done alot of angry rants before ;)
| miscellanea chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
Your word choice was spotless, it definitely portrayed what I think you wanted to, or at least it appealed to me when I read it. My favorite phrase that you used was 'atom-thin.'
I liked your concept/subject very much - the idea of critising someone's poetry because it makes no sense is great. Poetry is sometimes pretty hokey, generally people can jumble together random phrases that sound good and stamp it with 'deep.'
Stanzas - I think the style that you chose suited the type of voice you were taking on. Line breaking at random points made it flow at a faster pace, which got confusing, but was alright.
I enjoyed this poem, I scanned it over and over to try to dissect what you were trying to say. I love how it's written addressing someone else.
| Amarone chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
Wow, that first line just blew me away..-stare-
Your descriptions are very vivid, and well done. It flowed well, and at times, it seemed like a very well-written rant.(that was meant as a compliment :P) The line/stanza structure was complimentary to the piece itself.
Heh, a line that i particularly like is "low-quality atom-thin colorless paper" Ah, that is simply amazing, I don't know how else to put it. The last few lines "face it honey, your poetry sucks..." brought a laugh out of me - I like the touch of bitter humour and suppressed anger. When I look upon this as a whole, it seems like a very criticizing review for a story, and the end makes it a rather insulting review, too. Very nice. You experiment quite well with new styles, if I must say. :P.
| unuttered.thoughts chapter 1 . 5/20/2008
i actualy rather like it, your right its not too much like her's but i can see where the idea came from in a way.
but over all i like it :)