|Reviews for Letters to Mary McGraw|
| EMILY chapter 4 . 3/4/2011
"No, the police is going too" to "police are going, too"
| EMILY chapter 3 . 3/4/2011
"The morning rush of the diner had not stopped until well after lunch and she was the only waitress working today and this was her first break for the entire day." to .. end the sentence after lunch and start a new with "she was.."
"...gaping PERIOD She sauntered over to the table, a smile gracing her lips."
how late does the diner stay open? does mary spend all her time there-working from open to close? what about her dad?
| EMILY chapter 2 . 3/4/2011
hangover is one word, not hyphenated
"..to see James off, which suited him just fine."
9:49am or pm? is this a bus just for soldiers?
Why is James going back again? How old is he?
"scorned and bitter man to let her write to him PERIOD She..."
"...his gaze to the Bill's outstretched..." to "..his gaze to Bill's outstretched hand."
just a hint, to "smooth" up the writing, try removing the word "that"
(in the first chapter) possibly give some background on Mary's family..siblings, etc
"stupidity of this kid beside him PERIOD"
possibly some background on Mary's parents? where they met, when they married or how old they were ,etc? did her mother have a job?
| EMILY chapter 1 . 3/4/2011
On the first paragraph, possibly end the sentence with "protests" and start a new sentence with "Yet,..."
Just a question, because I have no idea, is $.50 for coffee accurate in that time?
"Rough exterior, COMMA, and the fact that..." "mutilating PERIOD Bloodied.." She talks about all the girls and what they thought of James, but you could include what Mary personally thought of James.
"Virgin COMMA right?" "well it isn't COMMA mother..."
"..her smiling falling into a frown that..." into "her smile falling into a frown that James couldn't help but acknowledge was cute."
"Maybe it was because she felt slightly sorry for him and that she knew from the stories told that he had been an only child ever since his sister died of pneumonia one winter." to "Maybe it was because she felt slightly sorry for him. She knew from the stories around town that his sister died of pneumonia one winter, leaving him as an only child."
Perhaps go in to a bit more detail about Mr. Crawford. Is he single? Married? Did his wife die? Elderly, middle aged? How often did he come to the diner? Every day? Once a week? Occasionally? Just personalize him a bit more.
Also, why did Mary stay here for the summer? Is there a reason? (It might be addressed later?) Explain if not. Is she going somewhere in the fall?
Does her father own the diner? Is that why she works there?
*More about Mary and James individually.
| YOUNG-the wild. free. in love chapter 1 . 2/10/2011
cute story. i loved it.
| Guest chapter 4 . 12/19/2010
As much as I love where this story is going... My father was a Captain of one of the only Marine divisions of South Vietnam, and Vietnam is south of China... Which means, that there are only two seasons (as my mother used to tell me when I little, so I could get a better picture of her native land): Spring and Summer! So I'd think that James would be more hot and sweaty than cold (:
| H.R. Hall chapter 16 . 12/14/2010
This was a cute story, but I would like to make some suggesstions. Please don't feel like I am insulting your writeing, I mean this only as constructive critiscm. :)
I found that Mary and James lacked chemisry, and so it was not as engaging a story as it could have been. I realize it is a bit tough to make two people "sizzle" when they have only known one another for a day or two, but it is possilbe. Also, there seemed to be a lot of unneeded, "filler" dialogue. I actually found myself skipping certain slower scenes and not having missed out on anything important.
I did enjoy reading this though and wish you happy writing. :)
| live 2oo write chapter 16 . 8/21/2010
You know I actually cried during the story of your's...AMAZING!
| Senora-del-Sol chapter 16 . 6/28/2010
He's dead? He's dead? I understand this was an angst story, but I could't help and be positive that he would come back to Mary. I really was, so I was truly devastated. I actually cried.
It was a great story, very well written and well thought.
I loved it. Good job!
Take care and keep it up,
| bfldnbfdld chapter 16 . 6/16/2010
I absolutely loved that. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. The letters seemed so real and I was so glad that you decided to keep him alive, I've read similar stories where the soldier dies and they break my heart. This touched my heart in all the more different a way.
Your characters were original and realistic, they had faults and you didn't shy away from showing that. You've clearly written this a while back but I just had to let you know how much I've enjoyed reading it.
| Cecily Mitchell chapter 16 . 5/7/2010
| a.brief.dalliance chapter 16 . 5/1/2010
that has to be THE cutest story I have read! I love all your works and really hope you continue to write!
| tamii chapter 16 . 4/12/2010
So romantic *sigh*
Very well-written story, I think we all fancy James now! I could squeal over how cute this story is! (I'll try and refrain from doing so...)
But seriously, I love it! Will you be continuing writing soon? I hope you do - you're a very good writer!
| Blissful Letdown chapter 16 . 3/20/2010
This is absolutely one of my favourite stories I've ever read in my entire life! this is exactly what I would picture the movie "Dear John" would be like...romantic but tragic and traumatizing at the same time!
I was so moved by it and you're writing is fabulous...your characters have such originality to them, I could just play around with them in my mind with my imagination...and let me say, it was a real treat.
Thank you so very much for a wonderful read!
| Artume chapter 16 . 2/15/2010
WOW. I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it! Especially poor James' portrayal in the beginning...it was so realistic! I think the ending is a bit rushed. We don't get to find out WHEN he came back. And his father's reaction! When he left, they were both estranged! So I suppose you could...work on that? Yeah. :) Absolutely loved it, great work.