Very nice prologue. I really enjoyed reading this because you set it up so nicely. Honestly, though this read a bit like an information packet at times, it was interesting and it kept my attention. I like the 'futuristic-but-not-really' setting and the thing with the years and adding 10, 0, that was clever. The latin phrase at the beginning was also a nice touch. It set the mood quite effectively and after I read it (and translated, haha) I basically got a feel for what the rest of this story would be about. You got me interested in seeing what this new world dictatorship is like. The narrator seems to be a rebel, which also raises an interesting idea because in essence, he's rebelling against the rebels. I liked the way you ended the 'letter' without finishing that word. I think a dash would have been more effective but you know what, the ellipses work better with the tone. It's not rushing or pressed. It feels like the narrator is really just sitting there, writing out this story.

I want to see this relationship between Russia and the U.S explained and expanded upon because it seems a tad unlikely that they would take that route. Not impossible, just unlikely but that makes sense because this is a story. I think you could have erased a few of those line breaks or whatever you call them. They weren't very necessary except for at the beginning and surrounding the phrase:

'There is no past, because past is unnecessary.'

By the way, that was also my favorite line. It's got this eerie, brainwashing kind of feel to it and it's got 'dictatorship' written all over. I'm wondering if it's part of a mantra or something like that. Anyway, nicely done.

I was a bit scared at first of reading this. Well, when I say scared, I don't mean "Oh my god, I'm gonna sh*t myself any moment now." kind of scared. I know nothing about politics, you see. Hehe... And nor do I have much interest in it, most likely because my brain is too simple and won't bother trying to understand something so detailed. But I'll give this story a go and see where it takes me.

I do love the way you narrate your stories. I'm usually not into first perspective stories, but I simply adore the way you write this... It has that mature tone to it, and yet it's not forced or bland.

Congratulations. You've actually got me interested in this. I love how this is set in the future! That should be a nice twist to the story! I do like your ideas for this story at the moment! It makes me wonder how you think up of all this... Anyway, good luck on this story!

Roadhouse~

This is like a political essay in my eyes. This pologue explained the events the world went and is still gon through.. Overall, I like it. I will read more of this in the future. Oh and thank you for the reviews you gave me. ) They were much apparaited (spelled wrong, sorry..)... See you soon at the roadhouse..

~Rayne

This is getting good. But I think there's too much of his thoughts and not enough of what's physically going on. Also, the voice popped in again. If you use the idea of the reporter and the informant I gave you in a previous review, that could easily work with the voice and the rest of the story. I mention this solely because you seem so intent on having him weasel himself in sporadically.

However, the thoughts that change Rainey, that's pretty good. It feels like you know the character (even if we don't) and it makes him a little more human for the reader.

This chapter is so far the best; I even found the Schindler joke funny. A round of congratulatory applause for you.

Lists! Yay, I love lists! I love lists so much, that I think they can be creatively added to the story. Is it a list of people who volunteered? I somebody calling role? Is it a list of people who've been drafted? Whose list is it? What is the importance of the list?

Answering those questions will improve this quite a bit. also, the ages really aren't necessary. Really.

I have the feeling that it's supposed to be a newspaper article, but that was a little bit too subtle, and therefore we should make it more obvious, shouldn't we?

Juliann is a way of spelling a girl's name (Julianne).

The disclaimer reminds me of a shameless plug mixed deftly- or daftly, whatever floats your boat- with a pathetic plea for your reviewers to not be so harsh. At this, I laugh heartily and promise not to do that kind of disservice to you.

okay, headless voice that pops in from nowhere, I'm skipping back to chapter 3 ( apparently that was the chapter I previously reviewed). My main comment is that you need to describe the scenery and the people with vivid words and details so realistic you can see them. There are also a few words that were used in ways that aren't entirely kosher. If there are any words of a certain size that you used, but are iffy about, I'd look them up in a dictionary.

My gripes in chapter 4 stem from the changing point of view and the 'headless voice'. Both detract from what I can only call an improvement.

Okay, let's go through this paragraph by paragraph. The first one is confusing, dull, and lacking. Sorry, I felt the need to be harsh. But you could take it so many ways. Like this:

" The door opened to the dingy apartment, and a man with a scraggly beard and dark glasses let me in. It had only one room, and the man took the seat closest the tiny, singular window. I planted myself in the vinyl covered chair across the table, waiting patiently with my tape recorder and my pencil ready for the man to start. 'First of all,' he said in that gravely voice,which still unnerved me, 'The names aren't what's important. Just focus on the story...'".

Then you can easily add in the info from the prologue-which would make the download seamless- and move on with the story.

I like how your trying to make these people isolationist; it's simple, yet possibly poignant. But that depends entirely on where you take it. But you're taking everything and making it like reading a history report on a little country with a boring history that nobody cares about. How are you doing that? Well, you're not taking a stand on anything... there's no tone in this! I can't feel what you're feeling, because you haven't written how you feel about it. And that makes it boring. Here's an example of what I mean:

"The way Kiki saw it, there was the here and now and that was it. She'd heard people talk about big explosions, and God, and stuff- people had so many ideas about the simplest of things- but she never really cared about the subject. She wanted the spring air and the grass playing with her hair as she lay in it, staring at the sky. To her, that was life itself."

What you wrote was similar to this:

"I took my dog to the vet, and he had cancer, so the doctor said,' We can euthanize him, and that will give him peace.' I agreed to it, and signed the form. After a short absence, the vet came back with a syringe and after the injection, my dog died."

Contact me if you don't see the difference.

So far, this is the best line I've found. It's pretty spectacular. "To my mind, we have merely managed to fuse mankind’s greatest triumphs, the lessons of history and the absolute certainty of mathematics, into something greater than any of the ancients could have imagined."

That one sentence just beat out your entire beginning.

try coming up with a different term for the evaluations. 'Psychiatric' implies that you're testing for insanity or mental disease.

As a whole, this is more of a prologue than your prologue. I still think your idea is good, but I think there's a more artistic way of expressing it.

This is pretty wordy. I had a bit of a time going through it. It sounds as if you're really trying to make your work sound intelligent, and if that's the case, you're trying too hard. I would definitely make sure to check for passive voice in the spelling/grammar check if I were you. Also, I think it's kind of choppy, and that it's just an info surge, and even though I may have done it once (or twice, but we won't speak of that) and others continue to, that doesn't mean it's a good idea. My advice would be to add bits of it into the action-reflections triggered by meaningful happenings- and to vary the punctuation to give it more voice. I think that the most important thing is for the reader to bond with the main character, figure out the POV, and get the scenery. That's the biggest requirements of a prologue (of a beginning!), so just going through from the beginning and combing through, sentence by sentence... that's going to make this (which I think has LOADS of potential) infinitely better.

Nice. I loved the Rainey's jealousy of the "elite" men. It really showed off his character, that he's more than just a puppet for his country. I think (in the last chapter) you should have a little more of Rainey's reaction so that it connects better with the rest of the plot.

"They jumped, he said ‘how high?’" change to "They said 'jump'". Also, leave "jump" in the present tense.

I liked your use of metaphors. Lines like "Waging his finger as if he were a misbehaved child" conveyed nice imagery.

This was probably intentional, but I had a problem with the way the paragraphs were separated. They seemed distant and out of place. A lot of the separations could be combined to make a nice flowing paragraph. It would help make the flow more smooth.

Other than that nice job. Keep Writing!

They jumped, he said ‘how high?’

I assume you meant that they asked him to jump.

"After much deliberation, Stephen decided to hit the hay early, in an attempt to sleep all of these negative feelings off. He repeatedly told himself that Matt had no meant to usurp the spot."

Hit the hay sounds mildly childish in the context of the story. Well, maybe just out of place. And, also, you forgot the 't' in not.

This chapter set up what could have been a lengthly exposition involving shiesty folks shiesting eachother, but then you kind of crushed it and set your MC on fire with rage. While jumping ahead like this will certainly cause the plot to jump forward, it also kind of killed something that I was thinking would have been pretty cool. Then again, it's not my story so I have no idea where the fuck it's going, but I cannot say that I'm not interested to find out.

You do have me hooked, and I'll be back for more RG or not.

-jake (from the RG)

This chapter seemed somewhat dull. It was nice to get to see how the rest of society views the leader, but it didn't seem to have any effect on the larger pot.

I think a large reason was because Rainey wasn't here. Why not keep the article but instead have Rainey reading it, and while he's doing that have him comment on what it's saying. Would he agree? Disagree? Want to disagree but know that wouldn't be the most loyal thing to do? Would he be jealous of the "elite"?

I did like how the voice stayed consistent throughout. I could really hear the national pride in his voice.

Besides those points it was fine.

REVIEW FOR CHAPTER 4:

"The people panicked…terrorism in the society of Geonia was unprecedented. T

he spokesmen of national defense..." You need to connect these two lines.

"Now that Ragloff’s decided to act on our actions…" You might want to change 'act' to something different.

"Ragloff was truly an inspiration individual" Inspirational.

One thing I didn't like about this chapter was the fact that the foreshadowing is getting a little redundant. You don't need to keep repeating to us that something's about to go boom, we know. Though, I can say that the story is starting to evolve nicely, and you've already set up a conflict and two opposing forces. Though, I can't say I like the idea of a prophesy. haha.

-jake (from the RG)

REVIEW FOR CHAPTER 5:

Cool format for this chapter, and I like that Stephen wasn't one of the ones chosen for the task force. That makes things all the more interesting. I didn't find any errors or anything, which is also good, but I do think that Ragloff needs a title, because they wouldn't just address their supreme ruler by his first name.

-jake (from the RG)

In the third paragraph, you have the "T" and the rest of the sentence on different lines. "...around 6’6’’ in height" you have to write the 6'6" part out, like "six feet, six inches"

I liked the dialog in this chapter. I loved how you varied each form of speech for each character, it help to give them depth.

"His face…well, it looked like it was molded from straight ground beef," I loved this comparison. It relayed a nice image. I liked how you embellished the writing a bit more in this chapter. The descriptions of Ares and the sewer they lived in was nice. I could really picture it.

I loved the ending by he way. The introduction of this "prophecy" was a nice cliff hanger.

I liked this chapter a lot more. I think this should be the first chapter.

I loved the opening. Having it start out with a dream showed me a lot about Rainey's inner workings, how he loyal he is to his country.

I also loved the way you depicted the world through Rainey's eyes. It showed me a lot more of the world than by simply telling.

I would suggest you give a little more dialog. It would help the scenes come alive to a greater extent. For example, you wrote that even politics would come up in mundane conversations, you should show that through a quick conversation. Not only would it get the point across, it would also help show more of Rainey's character.

One of my favorite things is the world's (and Rainey's) devotion to it's leader. It brings into question the role of a leader in society and whether or not they are who they say they are.

I also think you should try and combine many of your different paragraphs and sentences. The lack of description and setting seems to throw off the flow.

Nice chapter.

REVIEW FOR CHAPTER 3:

The use of breaks EVERYWHERE is getting a little unnecesary. The things are useful, but they are being overused here. This chapter was pretty much what I remembered from the original story, and it has certainly been mopped up. The only error I found was this one:

"Were that ever to fade, Geonia would have a good change of falling, just as all of the nations of the past had." I believe you meant Chance, not change.

It still has a similar feel to the original, but it is certainly much more detailed situation now, and I already feel more in tune with how both characters act, even though I felt it was unnecesary for you to randomly throw in how Stephen dreams of better things etc., especially when you've pounded into our heads that he's such a follower. I think that would be better if it wasn't included, and you showed that thought through Stephen's actions later in the story.

-jake (from the RG)