|Reviews for Once Upon a Time|
| The Cat Died Nobly chapter 1 . 5/25/2008
I like this, a lot. It's very realistic; pining after someone for years and years doesn't always happen, and I like that you made the characters so bluntly real.
I love the pace and how they "got back together", per se-very well excued. :)
| auddiebee chapter 1 . 5/24/2008
This is so cute! I like the ending, although the girl probably wouldn't call her friend Redhead Girl, maybe you should have the boy say it, if you want to keep everyone nameless. Otherwise, awesome story!
| duckliy543 chapter 1 . 5/24/2008
i liked it
just a few quirkess.
maybe he should have neever stopped thinking about her, and thought of her occasinally.
adn maybe his did shouldnt drink it makes the story sad
maybvy his dad should put his motor into working and never really spend time with his heartbroken son
but i thouhg tit was okay.
| Camelia Sinensis chapter 1 . 5/24/2008
I'm not that keen in the ending, but it's a good story. ;]
| White Rose Blossom chapter 1 . 5/24/2008
That was adorable :D
Loved it! (now if only it would happen to me..., haha!)
| TwinkleHeart chapter 1 . 5/24/2008
aw so kute
| NoieD chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
I liked it and the ending's fine.
| EraseTheMemories chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
Aw. I loved it. I think the ending is adorable and is fine as it is. Very nice job ]
| Saphimire Karishnikova chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
Wah~ I really like this! The ending is fine, just the last sentence seemed a little cliche... I'm not really sure how to fix it, or what else to do. It's just that the last sentence grated a little, compared to the rest of the story. But it's still really really good. D
| The Latest Plague chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
aw this is so adorable. i'm not sure if it'll cound for my C2... but i mean, they WERE best friends. i'll make it count. :) again, great story.
| This.Ink chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
OMG! so loved it. It was so awesome! your a great writer. it made me smile for a bit. i don't 's like a classoc you story. anyways, Good Job! -
| LafilledeShakespeare chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
Very well-written,and you've captured the essence of teenage angst and confusion. Dialogue's a tiny bit typical, so was the ending. I'm a bit biased as I'm not fond high school romances, but good job anyways. :D
| Arydesia chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
there were a few things i spotted:
"It was her sixth birthday, (he was already six), when he gave her the present."
-the (he was already six) is unnecessary, b/c you mentioned that they met at the age of four and his birthday doesn't seem to add anything to the story
"Her birthday party was lavish; full of colourful balloons and streamers."
-I'm not sure if you're using the semicolon correctly in this sentence (they're so confusing), but I think using a comma instead would work better
"After the cake was eaten, the presents opened, and other kids departed..."
-you have three passive verbs in there - avoid using them as much as you can (but they're really sneaky!)
"...Here,” and with that, he dug deep into his pockets...
-'and with that' isn't needed. just end the quote with some punctuation other than a comma and continue with "He dug..." Same with this one: "And with that, she landed a prim kiss on his cheek."
"He scowled and wiped his cheek obnoxiously."
-sounds like he's being obnoxious by wiping his cheek. i suggest saying something similar to "Annoyed, he scowled and wiped at his cheek."
"Thinking a bit, he continued..."
-'thinking a bit' can be replaced by a better word(s), like 'he continued thoughtfully' or just deleted.
"They no longer had as many classes together..."
-instead of saying 'no longer had as many', which is somewhat of an awkward phrasing, 'they had less classes together' or something similar would sound better.
"She suffered her first heartbreak alone, aching for she didn’t know what."
-'aching for she didn't know what' needs to be rephrased...it just doesn't work as a phrase
"Her ex-boyfriend had tried to move to third base, she didn’t want to."
"The hormones became wilder, the partying heavier."
-i was wondering about this, because middle-schoolers really don't 'party', so how could the partying have become heavier?
"Changes started happening..."
-english teachers will always tell you to never use the word 'start' (unless it's in dialogue) because it's a weak and improper verb, especially since the verb 'began' works a lot better.
"...she was at home watching television with her parents, he was at a friend’s party – drunk."
"She told her parents she was going out, they smiled and nodded."
"It was obvious to her he was inebriated, and also smelled like some sort of drug."
-'sort of (object)' also shouldn't be used in narrative writing, so say 'kind of' or 'type of'
"She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye – his head was leaned back..."
-another passive verb: 'was leaned back'
"He found himself staring at her more, thinking about her more, dreaming about her more...His eyes followed her movements around school more."
-all the 'more's get repetitive and slightly annoying...
“Hey,” after a pause, he continued, “it’s me.”
-'he continued after a pause'
"her heart went out him and his loneliness, personality so far removed from when he was her best friend."
-'personality so far removed...' that part needs to be rephrased. 'removed' is used incorrectly in this sentence.
"They progressed from conversations about the past to touching on the present and future."
-'touching on the present and future' also needs to be rephrased. i know you mean 'touching' as touching as subject, but the sentence is still awkward in this sense
"The next day at school, she saw him leaning against her redheaded friend’s locker, leaning down slightly to hear what said friend was telling him."
-the second 'leaning' should be replaced with another word...it has already been used, and the action can be clarified.
"As if sensing her, his eyes flickered up to connect with hers, dark eyes expressionless."
-delete 'dark eyes'. you can just say '...connect with her, expressionless'.
"Upset and without a reason..."
-'upset without a reason'
"He felt his pulse quicken when he saw her walk through the door, so far removed from the girl that used to put ribbons in her pigtails."
-again, the 'so far removed' needs to be rephrased.
"She couldn’t stop glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, oblivious to Slick Guy’s angry looks. He couldn’t believe how pissed off he..."
-i know the 'he' is referring to the main male character, but it sounds like you're talking about Slick Guy when i first read it
"She reached out and pulled the neck of his shirt down slightly, feeling a wave of relief course over her..."
-'course' is used incorrectly
-the ending's fine! cliched and cheesy, but who doesn't love some cheesiness in a romance ;) there are some little typos and stuff, but i ignored them cause we're all victims of typos
this was adorable! don't think that you're a bad writer b/c of all the mistakes i pointed out - I'm just picky when it comes to that stuff! anyway, i loved it (and I really want to know their names -winkwink-), and keep writing!
~a o p
| cocaine girl chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
aww this is so cute and def. not cliched!
| Nonstandard chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
I love this, it's so cute :]