|Reviews for The Secrets of the Lost Worlds Prologue|
| ChaosofColour chapter 1 . 7/10/2008
Really interesting so far.
| T.J.WIBBS08 chapter 1 . 6/25/2008
Good story telling and amazing writing! Keep on writing! I want to read the rest of the story very soon! Please hurry!
| Singer of Time chapter 1 . 6/23/2008
I have to say, awesome prologue! I like how it begins, switching perspectives from different characters to the main one. It looks quite intriguing. I wouldn't mind reading it!
| LeChem chapter 1 . 6/8/2008
I'll just be adding to my review as I go along, in case you're wondering.
On the cobbled streets of London a long time ago stood two men. - With the 'along time ago', it breaks up the sentence. I think you could either move it to the front or get rid of it altogether.
One man was taller than the other who wore pepper brown hair over his deeply tanned face. - The way this sentence is phrased states that the 'other' wore hair on his face... I don't think that's how you meant it to be.
Okay, that whole first paragraph, I think, should be rewritten. Your descriptions are good but your sentences are short and choppy, making this incredibly hard to read. And use one paragraph to talk about one thing, instead of one to talk about five or six things. Half the time, in just this one paragraph, I had no idea what you were describing.
A wind blew that made the man’s long black hair rustle and whip in the wind. The others brown hair was short cut and spiked up in his forehead which seemed to be in a high fashion. He looked over to the shorter man. - Which man's hair is this that the wind is blowing? Why are you suddenly talking about the other's hair again when you mentioned it in the paragraph before? Which one looked to the short one?
He asked, now about to lose his patients. - This should be patience, not patients, because patients is referring to, like, a doctor's patient.
The taller man's animal now was showing his gleaming razor sharp teeth. Each one hang from its mouth like sharp pointed daggers. The cat now lept from the man’s arms onto the cobbled street and soon stood about three yards from the leopard. The cat stood there staring into the leopards deep gray eyes. The shorter man looked down at his fingers which seemed to be rubbing together since he was so worried. - First you start talking about the 'animal', which I've already forgotten what it is, then you jump to the cat that jumped from one of the man's arms, though I don't know which one. and it should be leopard's, with an apostrophe.
The man’s voice was cut off from the taller ones. "When are you going to understand, Crispin... - When the taller man starts speaking, you need a new paragraph. If you don't, it's like the short one is talking. And I think you need to find different descriptions to differentiate between the two of them because I'm finding this to be almost too repetitive.
You are so rebellious its annoying he said in an out burst. "
- That quotation mark is in the wrong place. It should follow annoying after a comma, like so: You are so rebellious(,) it's annoying(,") he said in an (outburst). I fixed a couple of other mistakes in that sentence, as well.
Crispin said flatly and you could clearly tell that he was lying - So far you've been writing in third person, so you can't throw in a second person sentence in there with the 'you could clearly tell'. I'd suggest saying something like thus: Crispin said flatly and it was clear that he was lying.
(")Over here(,") he said
You don't need to separate everything someone says, even if they're moving around in between their words. Near the end, there, the taller one is walking around in search of the house and I keep thinking the short one is talking to him because of the new paragraphs. When one person speaks repetitively, keep it in one paragraph unless he or she is speaking in paragraphs.
And the worst part of this was that it was my dream. And I had a worried feeling that it was real. - Try not to begin sentences with the word 'and'. Oh, and this bit right here doesn't fit in with the rest of it. If you want this to be known as a dream, you should say so in the beginning. Your main character could say, I saw this and that, and then I watched him do this, etc...
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 6/7/2008
Um, thank you for your review, I think. It didn't say very much, but I'm glad that you probably liked my story. Maybe.
If you'd rather just ask me to review one of your stories instead of having to read through one of mine, feel free to send me a message to that effect.
In any case, here's my review.
1) Okay, formatting. Fictionpress can be a huge pain about this. It seems to have duplicated the first word you wrote ("prologue") and then clumped everything into one giant paragraph. Which I am loathe to read through, but will make an effort anyways. I recommend double-checking documents that you've uploaded to make sure ficpress didn't mess with them. Or, failing that, compose them in Open Office, since ficpress is most compatible with that (it's a free download, and it saves some effort with double-checking.)
2)"One man was taller than the other...The other was a bit smaller in height" That's actually a bit redundant. Maybe try calling them 'the taller of the pair' and 'the shorter of the pair'?
3) I like the weirdness of the introduction. Two men in old London with large cats. With intros, you always want to get the reader asking 'why?' That question is the primary force that drives them to read further in your story. In this case, the question of why there are two men in old London with large cats is a pretty good hook into the story.
4)"They were all dimmed since it was late in the night making everything very dark." I think I understand the ambiance that you're going for. Run-down, foggy London at night. That's very cool. But...would it make sense to say that the lanterns were dimmed *because* it was night? Maybe say instead that they were dimmed to save fuel, because that shows what one of the society's biggest concerns is: money.
5)"he said in a quiet and sneaky voice. We have little time and lots of work to do." missing quotation marks before 'we' and after 'do'.
6)"I do agree sir, but are you sure about this?" missing quotation marks before 'I' and after 'this'
7) Okay, I'm not going to point out every place where there are quotation marks missing, because there are an awful lot. I'm going to assume this was another of ficpress' mistakes.
8)"the taller man asked chuckling lightly out loud" Usually, if something is being done in a normal way, you don't have to specify that it's being done in a normal way. Like, you wouldn't need to say "he walked down the street using his legs and feet", but if the person in question walked using his hands, then that would be worth pointing out. Likewise with people chuckling. Usually they chuckle out loud, but if they chuckle under their breath, then you should mention that to the reader.
9)"He asked, now about to lose his patients." 'patience', but typos are no big deal. I've been in Japan for, like, a year now, and I'm starting to make a lot of similar mistakes when I write.
10)"The taller mans animal" if something's posessive, you use an 's. Also if it's a contraction. The word 'it' is an exception, and only gets an 's if it's a contraction.
11)"Each one hang from its mouth like sharp pointed daggers." hung
12)"The man’s voice was cut off from the taller ones." "one's". Also, it's usually a good idea to name your characters fairly early on in a story. That way you don't have to keep referring to them by their description.
13) This reminds me a lot of "The Golden Compass". The book, that is, not the movie. The movie was awful.
14)"You are so rebellious its annoying he said in an out burst" outburst. It also might be good to slip some contractions into his dialog. Make it sounds more natural. For example: "'You're annoyingly rebellious sometimes,' he burst out with." You don't have to use the sentence I gave. In fact, I'd rather you didn't. You are, after all, the expert on your own story. But you still might want to consider relaxing your dialog a bit.
15)"That boy holds great powers we don’t even know. And that is exactly why were appointed to this task to kill him before he discovers them. We cannot fail and let him enter our world. There he could learn to muster his power and maybe become so strong as to defeat Alkron himself. This boy holds many things in his possession: the good and the bad." That feels like a little too much information at once. I'm pretty sure that you could leave it out here and introduce it later in the story. It would be much more of a surprise that way, and it would make Crispin and the other man seem a lot more sinister. After all, they'd be going off to kill a child without giving the reader any reason for it.
16)"And then he ran through every neighborhood and street and alleyway he could and had found no luck whatsoever." Um...every one?
17)"And the worst part of this was that it was my dream." Actually, that's an interesting technique. I kind of like the way the story up to this point is revealed to be the the thoughts of a narrator/main character. But, at the same time, I think it might be a little too abrupt of a transition. At least put the first part in italics, or give the main character a few lines in which to wake up and think about the dream.
18)"Chapter 1!" Um...this is not the prologue anymore? I'd recommend making it a separate chaptered section. Play around with ficpress' editing system for a bit if you're having trouble separating chapters. It isn't that hard to use. After all, I managed to adapt to it.
19)"Lydia is my best friend here in London. She is a very wealthy girl yet very sincere and kind at the same time." Okay. The first definite rule of writing is that writing has no definite rules, so feel free to ignore this advice. But the second definite rule of writing is "don't tell. show." Give the reader enough information that they'll come to a conclusion without you having to tell them what that conclusion is. That way, the reader gets more involved in the story. The even get to participate, in a way, and the participation is a powerful hook.
So, if you wanted to revise that sentence so that it would show instead of tell, you could say "Lydia and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. Her parents made quite a fortune in investing and they lavish a lot of it on her. If she'd wanted to, she could probably have slipped into this perfect bubble-world of shopping trips and expensive dinners. But, for whatever reason, she chose not to. Instead she volunteers at the local animal shelter, caring for stray dogs. And she hangs out with me."
That's just an example. Again, don't use it unless you really like it. But it hope it gives you a fair idea of what showing is vs. telling. you're always going to have to tell the reader a few details, but try to show as much as possible with them.
20)"For one thing I rarely lye to her and the second thing" 'lie'. 'lye' is a material used to make soap.
21) Okay, this story has a lot of potential. Dimension hopping, talking leopards, prophecies and hidden powers. It could go in a lot of good directions. But there are some rough patches to it as well. The dialog can feel a little stilted sometimes, like the characters are standing on stage declaiming instead of talking to each other. And ficpress' messing with the formatting makes this really, really hard to read. Please consider revising this chapter and future chapters, because nothing will scare off potential reviewers like a giant text-o-blob. Still, I look forward to seeing where this story goes. Good luck with your writing.
| aryawolf13 chapter 1 . 5/28/2008
It's a good story coming on so far, but I think you need to toggle the spell-checker once and check the format. The entire story is coming out in one gigantic paragraph which, not meaning to be rude, is very hard on the eyes.
Keep writing. :D