Reviews for The More Chaos, The More Permanence |
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![]() ![]() ![]() "Scribbled illegibly on the backs of palms and cigarette packs." The best line ever. I love this poem. Very true. Very well written. Very amazing. Good job. |
![]() ![]() ![]() First off, I adore your pen name. Okay, now that that's done, I really like the title, even while I think it's a shame-most of the time-how that works. "The anorexic film stars / who overdose on beauty" is a perfect description and a painfully poignant line. To me, the ending is very personal and sad-there are so many people who think like that. Perhaps it's even worse that our society propagates it, too. Wonderful poem. |
![]() ![]() ![]() the beautiful die young but the tragically beautiful life forever |
![]() ![]() ![]() Wow, I really like this! I love the lines "flirting with demise"! hm. I'm just not to crazy about the line "some sort of realization or epiphany" I feel like that's an unnecessary author's note meant to further describe the "Oh!" in the previous line. I don't think it is necessary to add in because no further clarification is needed, it's already implied and understood. Anyway, great poem! |
![]() ![]() ![]() amazing. i loved it. absolutely original and beautiful. it pulled me in. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hi. Thought I'd drop a review in exchange for the lovely poem you wrote. Seems a fair trade. 1)"scribbled almost illegibly on the backs of palms and cigarette packs" The more words you pile into a sentence, the more specific it's meaning. However, word-heavy sentences tend not to have as much punch as shorter, simpler ones. As usual, poetry is about balance. What all that means for this specific line is: unless you really need the 'almost' in there to clarify its meaning, consider cutting it out. 2) I really like the first half of the poem, right up to 'hydrangeas', which dodges back and forth between all the poetically under-appreciated parts of city life. I also like the way the line "with spray paint colors in the primary." is structure. i.e: it sounds pretty. 4)"and the way they spilled smoke (the very smog of this city)" I'm sure it's not the way you intended it, but it feels a little bit like you're calling smoke 'the very smog of the city', which is perhaps a touch redundant. Seeing as smog is part smoke. Maybe consider rewording it a little. Something like "and the way they spilled smoke (or was that smog?)" Unless that's completely awkward and doesn't fit with the poem, in which case what you've written is fine. I'm just being picky. 5)"and before jumping into the camera crews" I like that it's 'into' the camera crews, but I think you should combine that line with the one below it so the conclusion has a little more punch. Going from a long line to a shorter one usually hits the reader a bit harder than going from a short line to a larger one. Turn your poem sideways and think of it as a hill, if that helps. 6) Great ending line. I realize that's not a very helpful comment, but it's the most concrete I can get at the moment. The conclusion fits with the tone of the poem and leaves a strong impression on its readers (also, presumably, the concrete.) Keep writing. -SC |