Reviews for White line
Anthony Tesla chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
That was very original and beautiful; I just don't know what to say, I can't think in any criticism, I mean, it was just so well done that I'm just speechless...
B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 7/3/2008
Received your PM.

I am not a poetry expert. As you may know I write only traditional verse and very short traditional verse when pushed. But I view this composition as "prose poetry", and hopefully that suits. As a story I'd be all over you on fragments and punctuation. As poetry the punctuation and truncated sentences actually are quite powerful.

You begin with a fragment - a stage setting question, and then repeat with closure (period) - I do like that. Your imagery is strong, particularly the repeating webs which could of course be both real and symbolic. Interesting choice.

Perhaps it is not only them, but this perfect way of living that we adore {I'd remove the "only". Since you offer only a singular choice after the comma}

Funambulist - I had no idea what that words was. Obviously it's core to your piece, but the average reader might also stumble here, and do as I did (stop reading, and go look it up). Not sure what I would advise, but perhaps a definition in your profile? Or a simplier word? In general your vocabulary is very rich (evanescent, nacre, ephemeral, chromatics), and while they are pretty it assumes your reader can handle college level words. This may limit your audience. Choose wisely would be my primary recommendation.

This piece is well written. I like the use of repetitive phrases and the provocative questions. It reminds me of a Martin Luther King speach with its resonance.
Madame Y chapter 1 . 6/20/2008

Honestly, I didn't even know what a funambulist was... but as soon as I did, EVERYTHING in this story made perfect sense.

"their mouths open like little keyholes in those long white faces, and they take pleasure in shattering the heavy silence of the world with hurtling octaves and cascading chromatics" - LOVE LOVE LOVE; wonderful incorporation of music into the circus world!

I'm going to re-read your story sometime, just to understand it over again... I have never seen a funambulist perform, so I'm not sure what they ACTUALLY do - do they sing, act, or just walk on tight-ropes? Hmm. But keep this up, it's gorgeous and very philosophical. It reminds me of "First Sorrow" - short story by Franz Kafka (? - which has the same existentialist feel.
Vera Ann Ross chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
wow, that's all I can say. That was beautiful...the imagery was amazing as always. Again wow. Very cool. I"m glad you posted something else here, I've been wondering when you would. Hope you are well and post again soon.