|Reviews for Alternaties|
| Um chapter 1 . 1/9/2006
Um? i don't think you should write to fast to soon. My advice. write medical stories. I did and I got over one hundred and fifty reviews. (I'm not trying to show off either).
| Raleighj chapter 1 . 9/27/2004
I wrote this review about a year ago, before I realized that your account only allowed signed reviews. Now that I actually have an account, here is the review.
I love this story. You do an excellent job setting up the twists at the end; you have excellent characterization and dialogue; your pacing is excellent; you do an excellent job portraying the setting. In all the important “big picture” areas, this story is excellent. (And I am too lazy to find a synonym to excellent).
However, when I took a closer look at this story, I found several grammatical elements things I would suggest fixing. Compared to the overall effect of your story, they don’t detract too much from the reading experience. But, I would suggest taking a look at them anyway.
TWO TYPOS THAT YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY FIX
(even if you ignore all the other suggestions in this review):
1. He it would me turning his back on everything that he was…”
This should be “It would mean turning his back…”
2. "Fire it up, Annie," he instructed the girl setting at the Combiner controls.
“setting” should be “sitting”
SOME STYLISTIC AND GRAMMATICAL SUGGESTIONS
(Things I think would add clarity and smoothness to your story. Some of these you should seriously consider. Others might be just my personal preferences coming through.)
1. “If things went like he had planned, and there was no reason that they shouldn’t, Devin would step through the portal at the same time as his double.”
I would change the pair of commas to dashes; what you have seems very similar to a comma splice. But that could just be my personal style preferences acting up. (I use a LOT of dashes in my stories).
2. “Devin no longer saw this as a triumph of science, it had become a chance for him reclaim the life he had never had.”
Change the comma to semi colon, or divide into two sentences. This is a wholly unnecessary comma splice. It doesn’t add atmosphere like some of you later ones do; it’s just awkward.
3. “He wasn’t worried about his fellow scientists, he had left the safety protocols intact, and they would get plenty of warning to clear out of the facility.”
Basically the same point. This is another unnecessary comma splice. It creates a confusing sentence. Change the first comma to a semi-colon, dash, or period.
4. “The building quivered for a split second as the Combiner came on-line, its massive drive immediately beginning to pull in the random fluxes of energy throughout the area, and the group gathered about the room braced for the Combiner Wave.”
I’d suggest splitting this into two sentences; it would be much clearer. “The building quivered for a split second as the Combiner came on-line, its massive drive immediately beginning to pull in the random fluxes of energy throughout the area. The group gathered about the room braced for the Combiner Wave.”
5. “It was almost more than Tibbs wanted to think about, the numerous times that they had looked into the mirror world always having showed them…well, a mirrored version of themselves.”
This sentence is confusing. I don’t have any ideas as to how to make it clearer, but it could use editing of some sort.
6. ““There’s no time," shouted Devin, sparkling bolts of energy beginning to lash off of the sphere as it lost its cohesion.”
This is awkward—even with the comma you inserted, it still sounded at first like Devin was the one who was lashing out bolts of energy. I would change this to “”There’s no time!” shouted Devin. Sparkling bolts of energy began to lash off of the sphere as it lost its cohesion.” (Or something like that).
7. “The sphere began swelling as it amassed power beyond its design, the view of the alternate world fading in its purple glow, and the point became moot.”
This is awkwardly written. I’m not exactly sure of the effect that you are going for, but I would definitely rework it. Maybe “The point became moot as the sphere amassed power beyond its design, swelling and causing the view of the alternate world to fade in its purple glow.”
“The sphere began swelling as it amassed power beyond its design. The view of the alternate world faded in its purple glow, and the point became moot.
8. “They had quickly agreed, before the arrival of rescue teams, something unheard of on his world, that they would keep his point of origin a secret.”
I would put parentheses around “something unheard of in his world.” It would allow the sentence to flow much better. As it is now, the reader has to sort through several phrases joined by commas. Not all of the phrases have the same importance. The parentheses would allow basic idea of the sentence (“They had quickly agreed…that they would keep his point of origin a secret”) to come through much more clearly.
I’ve been rather picky about all of this—please don’t take it the wrong way. The overall effect of your story outweighs any of these minor quibbles. Again: EXCELLENT job with the setting, the characters, the pacing, and the twist at the end. I wish I could do those things as well as you do.
FINAL NOTE: I especially liked the sentence, “Surely they had developed things such as clean fusion, matter teleportation, and nanite technology.” It a nice twist to the twist.
| Endless Nightmares chapter 1 . 6/4/2004
Heh, Willum there is always going to be one person that doesn't think you have talents. I've been insulted many times, but I choose to ignore the 12 year olds who think they know shit, but in reality, they don't. That was my little speech.
I actually enjoyed this piece, even though I'm not into writing the genre of it. Personally, I prefer horror, heh. But anyway, nice story, always interesting to read something new once in a while, but the story itself is old, but who cares, I read it right? Heh,
Hope new ideas are hovering in your mind, because I'm interested in what new horror you have in store for us to read.
| Willum chapter 1 . 10/31/2003
First, let me thank you so very much for the nice little insult as to the originality of my story, "Alternaties". Though I was unaware that such a same titled book existed, I looked it up on Amazon and found that, yes, back in 1988, the book was first published, and concerns...
"An excellent parallel universe novel. Good characters investigating several alternative 1970s universes. Worth reading if you can find it." (A reader's review, since the listing does not detail what the book is about.)
Of course, by this simple review, we can also make the conclusion that the TV series "Sliders", several episodes of almost any recent "Star Trek" series, and a few of "Stargate" are also rip-offs of this very same book.
My story was, quite simply, inspired by the likes of "Sliders", and the old adage of "The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side".
I would expect someone of your apparent background (as listed on your profile page) to also be aware of the saying "There's Nothing New Under the Sun". There are no new ideas, merely new takes on them.
I can understand the odd story resembling a previous work, but please, before you start throwing insults around, check into the validity of the author you are verbally chastising. I try very strongly to develop new ideas/takes on themes, and do not appreciate being told to get my own idea, and my own title.
| N. Amsden chapter 1 . 10/31/2003
Y'know, I think I've read this one already. In fact, I have a copy of this novel already. Alternaties, by Michael Kube-McDowell.
Get your own title, and your own idea, and try again.
| greenzzz chapter 1 . 10/11/2003
| M.D. Cantine chapter 1 . 8/22/2003
Very creative and interesting.
| Diana Shore chapter 1 . 7/12/2003
| The Deacon chapter 1 . 9/18/2001
That was great. Simply good storytelling.
| Tantricide chapter 1 . 6/1/2001
Hehe, great tale, though I can't decide if it's happy or not. ;) I love it.
| Stelmaria chapter 1 . 4/17/2001
No, i didn't actually read this, but i wanted to ask u, DO U DO ANY SHORT STORIES? Answer my on one of my review sheets. oh, and i wanted to let u know, i am finally working on a story, like u wanted. :)
| Draxx1 chapter 1 . 4/15/2001
Very nice. I like the twist at the end. Like the Chinese say, "Be careful what you wish for. You may get it!"
| SweetEvil chapter 1 . 4/13/2001
Very cool, Willum! It's that whole "grass is greener" thing.